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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Controlling MIL

79 replies

MaisieAva · 01/03/2018 21:44

I rarely talk badly of anyone, so it has really upset me that I have these feelings about my MIL and has made me feel like such a bad person. But the feelings are there and real so I need to express them.
So my MIL really stresses me out. What makes matters worse is we live next door to her. When we first moved in, she would walk in un announced and say ‘only me again’. Sometimes if I was on my own it would make me jump and put me on edge. She wanted to clean and tidy the house for some money which I felt I couldn’t say no to, but I’ve had to stop her doing it now. As I just feel like I want to have my own touch on our house. She would do our washing even when she was asked not to. She changed our bed. She put my underwear away in my drawers. She’d walk in when we were winding down in the evening with a pile of our washing all ironed. I mean to some it probably sounds a dream, but it just doesn’t feel right or sit well with me. She would arrange my ornaments to how she thought looked nice. I personally find it dis respectful.
Now she’s not cleaning the house anymore it’s obviously a lot better but I feel like she’s using other avenues to get to me. We went on holiday recently and I walked in to our house on our return to see my fairy lights that I’ve decided to keep on a plant all year round on the floor as soon as I walk in. Apparently they were suffocating the plant and the plant needs trimming. I’m sorry but I’m perfectly capable of attending to that myself. It probably sounds really small and pathetic but it really bothers me.
I know she’s just trying to help but it’s so suffocating. I’ve spoken to my other half about it so it has got a lot better as I think something must’ve been said. But I feel like I’ve made it into an issue now and I’m fearful of her to be honest and feel like I want to avoid her but at the same time scared to avoid her as I don’t want to cause any upset of offend anyone. I just can’t win. It’s all just literally too close to home for me and it’s consuming my thoughts way too much to the point where I’m feeling pretty unhappy.

I know she won’t change...I was just wondering if anybody had any advice?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Original poster

MaisieAva · 01/03/2018 23:17

Yes she doesn’t work, which is why she has so much time to ‘interfere’, which made me feel like I should definitely help by letting her clean. But that obviously back fired!

OP posts:

user1485778793 · 01/03/2018 23:19

Don't bother trying to get your key back, she's probably got a copy, change the locks, if she complains just say it broke or be honest and say quit mooching round my house and give me some privacy

user1485778793 · 01/03/2018 23:20

And move!

Original poster

MaisieAva · 01/03/2018 23:21

It could be a possessive thing also - she did make a joke about moving in herself just before we bought it.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2018 23:22

Will you change the locks? Only way to stop her.

DropDeadShred · 01/03/2018 23:25

Are you Debra Barone?

Original poster

MaisieAva · 01/03/2018 23:25

Thanks guys, I know i definitely need to move. What an unexpected journey this is taking me on! That’s life hey!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 01/03/2018 23:26

Can you answer everyone who is asking how she just 'walks in' please ?

Original poster

MaisieAva · 01/03/2018 23:35

She has a key, I’m not sure how my other half will feel about changing the locks though. Originally she used to come round through the back door which was left open if I was in the house as she could walk from her back garden into ours. But she doesn’t come in that way anymore as we have put a fence up! Hallelujah
Her new way is knocking on the front window and looking through and waving at me which scares the crap out of me! If she actually knocks the front door, when I open it sometimes she will just storm in, so I have to quickly move out the way so she doesn’t knock me over.

Sound like a push over really don’t I, literally!

OP posts:

fluffyrobin · 01/03/2018 23:50

Why don't you write all your grievances down if you can't talk to her? I had to do that, got my dh to write a covering note to go with it and thank goodness I did!

Important to iron out any issues to make sure you know where your dh's loyalty lies before having dc.

MammaTJ · 01/03/2018 23:51

I used to have a MIL who lived next door and had a key. This was because I worked nights, would put DD to bed, then she would magically appear just before DD woke up and whisk her away to her flat.

She did do stuff that irritated the hell out of me, but I would look at the intentions, rather than the actions, so, her taking a pile of my laundry out of the washing machine--- she would dry it and iron it. I could choose to say she saw judging me for not having finished it, but I chose to feel she was helping me, knowing I struggled to find time to dry and iron it....

Changing your mindset about the intentions is easier to do than changing other peoples behaviour. Good luck!

user1485778793 · 01/03/2018 23:51

You do. Move house or tell her to stop it

LightofaSilveryMoon · 01/03/2018 23:53

Seriously, go No Contact immediately.

I've been there.

She is pushing her domination on you.

You could tell her in plain words to back off, or even to fuck off. I really wished I'd done that with my late MiL, but was too young and too inexperienced at the time. It took a few years before I finally recognised no contact, and definitely no keys to our house.

bunbunny · 01/03/2018 23:55

Not that I'm wishing you get hurt - but could you actually not jump out of the way quite so quickly one day so that you actually get knocked down by her?

Maybe not while it's so snowy as everybody is desperate to get in as quickly as possible! But on a normal day - if she barges in and knocks you down, make sure you scream loudly as you go down (and that there's nothing around to actually hurt yourself on) so that you can have an awkward conversation with her but where you are in the right because she can have no excuse to knocking you down. And your dh can have a conversation with her about it to - to find out what on earth was so important that she had to barge in and knock you down. Yes she might be used to you jumping out of the way but she has no reason to know that you are always able to - you might have hurt your foot or be very sleepy or distracted. And if you can physically stop her barging past you it might become easier to stop her from mentally doing it too.

When she rearranges your stuff - is it something in particular that she does like put everything in a line when you like things in a group? Or whatever - anything you can put your finger on? Then every time you are at her house, start rearranging things parroting back to her exactly the words she uses to you, albeit phrased so that her way is in the wrong and your way is the right way to do things. Hopefully she will get annoyed if you start moving her things - and if you do it enough, she might start to realise that likewise you get annoyed when she moves your things. If she picks you up on it, just put on your most innocent face and say but MIL, I'm just following your excellent example of sorting out somebody else's home to the way I think it should be; after all, you're not going to do something to me that you think is rude or wrong are you? And look how much better these things look when they are placed properly like this - they really were looking very dated before...' and yabba on like this every time.

Giraffey1 · 01/03/2018 23:57

Does she know how you feel about this? I dont see anywhere that you or you H ( should be his job, it is his mum) have raised your discomfort with her? Most people aren’t as boundary insensitive as she is, but she may simply not be aware of the way her actions impact on you. Get your H to tell her she can’t drop in whenever she feels like it. She should always knock, or wait to be invited. The key is only to be used for an emergency. Ie if you get yourself locked out, not so that she can waltz in whenever she feels like it. And draw the bolts, put on the door chain etc when you are in the house. This will help her realise .... perhaps ... that it isn’t acceptable for her to just walk in on you.

Original poster

MaisieAva · 02/03/2018 00:02

I will consider writing it down, but would that then give her written word to use against me?

For about a year I honestly was trying to put myself in her shoes and see that all her intentions were from a good place but then I thought, she’s not considering my feelings and it’s sort of ruining the good intentions!

She’s just giving herself something to do and make herself feel of importance I guess.

I did sit down with her and talk about the tidying and cleaning the house subject, I said we’ve got it under control don’t worry. You do enough for the whole family, just use the time to do something you enjoy instead of cleaning our house we would rather you do that. But I think it’s all she really knows as she’s just raised children and ran her household her whole life really. So what she enjoys is actually cleaning - why I feel so bad. Maybe I could help her find a cleaning job or something somewhere else.

OP posts:

Isthisharassmenthelp · 02/03/2018 00:11

She. Has. No. Boundaries.

Red flag.

My mother did this. Keys to our house. Always popped up at the window in our garden, until we put up a fence/gate. Same with my SIL too.

Changed the locks eventually. They were livid we didn’t give them a key!

The cleaning isn’t helpful. But it makes them look good. If you complain, you look ungrateful.

I couldn’t give a crap about intentions. Respect someone’s boundaries and privacy.

Living next door, far too close for comfort.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/03/2018 00:15

I feel sorry for her tbh.

Original poster

MaisieAva · 02/03/2018 00:19

Yea I felt sorry for her too.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 02/03/2018 00:28

We had exactly the same issue with PIL living next door. Mil was so controlling and manipulative. Dh asked her very kindly and politely not to keep coming round 5 minutes before dds bedtime, every single night. She went batshit crazy at him, told him she’d see her granchildren whenever she felt like it .

We both started looking for new jobs the following day and moved 3 months later, an hour away.
Best thing we ever did. We all get on because Dh and I only see them maybe once a month plus birthdays, Xmas etc. Mil in particular drives us mad, but we can bite our tongues. If we’d carried on living next door we would have all hated each other.

user1485778793 · 02/03/2018 00:31

If you word the letter nicely and thank her for her help but it's no longer needed she has nothing to hold on you. Sounds like she has issues tho. If you had kids she'll never leave you alone. Get her sorted sooner rather than later. My ils have zero boundaries or respect, they're currently learning what happens when they fuck with me..... their toys are still on the floor from when they threw them out of the pram

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/03/2018 00:46

@VladmirsPoutine you feel sorry for someone who thinks it’s ok to barge into someone’s house and nearly knock the houseowner over?

VladmirsPoutine · 02/03/2018 02:04

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter The amount of MiL bashing that goes on around here... Yes, I do feel sorry for her. I hope to hell I don't have boys.

Pleasebeafleabite · 02/03/2018 06:07

I don’t think this is necessarily a mil thing. I’ve had this with my mother for years even down to paying her for cleaning that I didn’t want her to do. The arrangement has stopped as I cannot afford it anymore and her advancing age and we get on a whole lot better as a result

I’ve also had a fil who once ripped out my front garden and replanted it completely uninvited whilst I was away on holiday

The hard thing for you OP is the proximity. You sound like you’ve made some inroads though

Yes keep the door locked and get some net curtains for the windows. Ignore her banging and answer the door when you want to

I agree she feels that your home is in some part her space and ultimately you may end up having to move

Jux · 02/03/2018 06:22

Well, people tend to post when there's a problem, and if there's not a problem then they don't need to post. Of course there are lots of threads about MIL problems! Just the same as there are dh problems, dw problems, dil problems.

It doesn't mean that every MIL/dh/dw/dil is awful or that all MNers hate MILs/dhs/dws/dils, it just means that there are some people who have difficulties with one or other significant relationship. That's why there's a Relationships board! What else did you think it was for, thatwouldbeanecunemicalmatter?

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