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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my hours without telling DH?

73 replies

ThoughtsLikeButterflys · 01/03/2018 18:01

Up until last year I was working 6 days a week. It was horrendous, I never had time to do anything as my only day off was a Sunday (and even then I worked one in 3 Sundays). I worked all Christmas and had to beg for time off for holidays etc. I hated it.

I then gave it up with DHs blessing and took a casual hours contract. It's great as it's guaranteed work whenever I want it. No weekends unless I want them and all public holidays off. It's bliss!

I currently do 4 days a week. DH is ok with this but now and again moans about all the hours he has to work compared to me and all the free time I get to myself. So I think deep down he resents it.

I normally work Monday to Thursday however this week, I forgot to book today's shift and with the snow etc I was glad and decided to just take it off. I went to gym this morning and have completed blitzed the house from top to bottom. Something which would normally be crammed into weekends.

Now it's got me thinking - financially I don't need to work 4 days, DH wouldn't even notice the difference if I worked 3 days instead. But I can't be arsed with his snidey comments so AIBU to cut down to three days a week and just fail to mention it to DH?

OP posts:

Gillian1980 · 01/03/2018 18:03

Yabu to not tell him.

Yanbu to want to reduce hours if you can afford to do so.

He ibu to make snide comments. If he has a problem he should discuss it with you properly.

CougheeBean · 01/03/2018 18:03

Yes YABU. If you can afford it why not let him cut back his own hours so you both have spare time?

GummyGoddess · 01/03/2018 18:04

I can see why you want to, but it's lying by omission, sorry. I would be upset if my DH did that to me.

Elmosmum · 01/03/2018 18:05

You need to talk to him about it. How would you feel if he did the same to you and was having sneaky days off without telling you?

It's rather odd that you don't want to tell him- are your finances not shared and visible? Surely he'd notice? And he'd also notice if he comes back to a lovely clean house when your supposed to be at work!

RedSkyAtNight · 01/03/2018 18:06

YABU not to tell him - it's incredibly deceitful.

However, if you have separate finances and you can fund your half on 3 days a week then you should go for it. If you're expect him to pay more so you working part time, then this will only work if he's ok with it.

ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 18:06

You should discuss with him. What if he cut his hours without telling you - would that be ok?

Original poster

ThoughtsLikeButterflys · 01/03/2018 18:06

I would let him cut his hours but his job isn't flexible like mine, they won't allow it. And me cutting down to three hours means I can go back up to 4 or 5 whenever I need to. He's on a much higher salary than me so his job is more important. Obviously with more time off comes more domestic duties which relieves him of stuff at home.

OP posts:

stevie69 · 01/03/2018 18:07

In a word, yes. You're married: it's a partnership. On matters such as this, you should consult, discuss and come to an agreement. And, for his part, he should do that without being arsey.

If you want to go through life making unilateral decisions, then ..... be singl.: it's fucking great

NickyNackyNoodleNoo · 01/03/2018 18:15

Yes, you need to tell him. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and he didn't tell you.

If he has an issue with it maybe a frank discussion is needed

randomchap · 01/03/2018 18:19

You also need to consider any effect on your pension if you cut your hours. It's not just less money now, it could be less money when you're retired.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/03/2018 18:19

If he wouldn't notice the difference in wages, why on earth is he moaning about you being off - is it simply that he's jealous that you have more time?

Surely if you blitz the house and have time for all the cooking etc, he'll have more free time?

NoSquirrels · 01/03/2018 18:19

Talk to him in a cost-benefit analysis way. Say you're struggling with getting things done on 4 days/1 day to do household jobs. That you are considering a cleaner/gardener/dog-walker/ironing service - whatever. At a cost of £X

Or, you could cut down to 3 days (at a cost of £Y) and do more domestically.

Hear out his arguments - perhaps he is concerned about pensions, or savings, or whatever.

Don't just do it without telling him. The odd one-off like today, once in a while, I think would be totally justified, particularly if you were using it for something like blitzing the house, or decorating, or whatever but on a regular basis it would be a bit deceitful, and deceit is not a good place for a marriage. If my DH did it to me, I'd be cross.

Garmadonsmum · 01/03/2018 18:20

If you can afford it why not let him cut back his own hours so you both have spare time?
Yeah well do you notice what the OP did with her time off? "Blitzed the house" - so benefiting them both. I don't think you can lie about this OP but I can see why you'd be tempted. You used to work 6 days a week (for how long?) and are now down to four and your dh makes snippy remarks about it - that suggests a lack of respect for you and what you do. I'm assuming you do more household stuff though you haven't said.
I think the odd mental health day wouldn't me too much of a lie but a weekly one would!

ilovesooty · 01/03/2018 18:23

If you think lying and deceit are ok go for it.

ItMadeMyEyesWater · 01/03/2018 18:26

If you think you can get away with it do it. When I worked FT my OH wouldn't dream of helping around the house, I felt so feckin resentful. Through no fault of my own my hours were cut, I had all the snidey comments about my life was one big holiday. When they cut my hours again, I never told him, like you I couldn't put up with his arsey remarks.

limon · 01/03/2018 18:28

Yabvu! Jesus are you serious? In-work full time DH works part time. If be livid if he cut his hours wothout telling me and he'd be livid if I Did!

Original poster

ThoughtsLikeButterflys · 01/03/2018 18:29

I don't have a pension so it won't affect anything there. DH didn't want me to have one as he said his will cover us both.

We currently have around £2.5k spare every month after all bills and groceries. He doesn't even notice how much I get paid as long as it goes in. It varies month to month anyway, on 4 days I could get between £1400 and £1600. On three days it would be more like £1100 to £1300

OP posts:

Parker231 · 01/03/2018 18:30

Perhaps your DH would prefer you to work ft so he can stay at home?! Why should you get so much free time whilst he works, in effect to keep you.

Your suggestion is awful and not one you would expect to see in a good marriage and equal partnership.

Namechanger2015 · 01/03/2018 18:32

I don't have a pension so it won't affect anything there. DH didn't want me to have one as he said his will cover us both.

What happens if he dies before you?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/03/2018 18:33

He's very short sighted to think you won't need a pension. You both have a good sum left over each month - it's crazy not to put that into something for your future.

ilovesooty · 01/03/2018 18:34

So you don't have a pension because your husband didn't want you to? Words fail me. Do you treat each other with any respect at all?

BelleandBeast · 01/03/2018 18:35

DH didn't want me to have one as he said his will cover us both.

This must be one of the stupidest comments I have ever read. YABU to be so stupid.

Prometheus · 01/03/2018 18:36

Who cares whether DH ‘wanted’ you to have a pension? You are an adult and should have a pension. Does he get to make other important decisions that could potentially leave you in deep shit?

BananaHarvest · 01/03/2018 18:36

It’s unhealthy to be deceitful in a marriage. You need to discuss it.

Geoff1969 · 01/03/2018 18:36

I don't have a pension so it won't affect anything there. DH didn't want me to have one as he said his will cover us both.

Madness.

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