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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my hours without telling DH?

73 replies

ThoughtsLikeButterflys · 01/03/2018 18:01

Up until last year I was working 6 days a week. It was horrendous, I never had time to do anything as my only day off was a Sunday (and even then I worked one in 3 Sundays). I worked all Christmas and had to beg for time off for holidays etc. I hated it.

I then gave it up with DHs blessing and took a casual hours contract. It's great as it's guaranteed work whenever I want it. No weekends unless I want them and all public holidays off. It's bliss!

I currently do 4 days a week. DH is ok with this but now and again moans about all the hours he has to work compared to me and all the free time I get to myself. So I think deep down he resents it.

I normally work Monday to Thursday however this week, I forgot to book today's shift and with the snow etc I was glad and decided to just take it off. I went to gym this morning and have completed blitzed the house from top to bottom. Something which would normally be crammed into weekends.

Now it's got me thinking - financially I don't need to work 4 days, DH wouldn't even notice the difference if I worked 3 days instead. But I can't be arsed with his snidey comments so AIBU to cut down to three days a week and just fail to mention it to DH?

OP posts:

Bluelady · 01/03/2018 18:39

Are you really going to be dependent on him for every penny when you retire? What if you split up? You're buggered. Please protect your future and sort yourself out a pension.

I'd give him a choice on the hours reduction - either you reduce your hours or get a cleaner. I bet I can guess which way he'll jump.

APontypandyPioneer · 01/03/2018 18:41

You need to discuss it with him, even if it is that you have made a decision and just you telling him what you plan to do. Hiding things can spiral and escalate. What starts as a seemingly innocent omission to avoid grief will turn into multiple lies. What if he asks how your day was or wonders how the house is tidy during the week and your weekends are more relaxed. You end up covering up those things. It turns into a big deceit which was avoidable.
If the snidey remarks and attitude are wearing you down, that needs to be addressed. He is your husband and you should feel able to discuss things like this with him.

Although I see why you want to do it and why you might want to avoid discussing it but I think YABU.

juneau · 01/03/2018 18:42

You should definitely have your own pension. You need to be able to take care of yourself OP if anything happens to either your marriage or to your DH. If he dies first and you're relying on his pension to live you need to find out how much you'll be able to claim after his death (clue: it will be a portion of what you were getting as a couple, yet your bills won't reduce by much, if you think about it).

As for this plan of yours, I think you need to sell it to him. Tell him all the housework you got done that doesn't have to be done at the weekend and think of all the other stuff you'll be able to do if you work 3 days p/w. Buying and wrapping gifts, shopping, batch cooking, laundry, etc, etc. You shouldn't just cut your hours without telling him, but of all the working women I know they all say that 3 days a week is the holy grail - that perfect and elusive 'balance' that we all crave. Good luck!

LadySainsburySeal · 01/03/2018 18:44

I don't have a pension so it won't affect anything there. DH didn't want me to have one as he said his will cover us both

Yikes!

This is life. Shit happens. What if he dies before you? Finds a new partner? You need to protect your financial future. Especially if you're on casual contracts.

APontypandyPioneer · 01/03/2018 18:46

I meant to also add that he sounds a little controlling. A woman should always be able to support herself or be able to secure her future. Not having a pension because he didn't want you to have one isn't ok. If that was your choice well fair enough however it seems it wasn't.
Please also consider what would happen if he lost his job or your marriage failed.

Inertia · 01/03/2018 18:47

A) You really do need a pension. It’s madness not to make any pension provision at all, especially if you have thousands of pounds per month going spare.

B) It’d be worth you making a note of all the time you actually spend doing household tasks- it bet it outweighs the difference between your working hours. He can’t expect you to work full time ( or close to) and do all the household chores.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 01/03/2018 18:49

You only have enough money due to him working all hours, I'd be giving my DH an ultimatum on our marriage if he cut his hours as was living on my salary. I'd be doing more than commenting

PoorYorick · 01/03/2018 18:50

DH didn't want me to have one as he said his will cover us both.

Wait, what?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 01/03/2018 18:51

I don't have a pension so it won't affect anything there. DH didn't want me to have one as he said his will cover us both

Sheer madness. What happens if he has enough of working whilst you have four days off and wants out or meets somebody more in sync with his work ethic?

mimibunz · 01/03/2018 18:52

You might want to read the thread about signs your marriage won’t last.

elisenbrunnen · 01/03/2018 18:53

OP - so you have a couple of hours off and 'do the housework'? Is it normally your 'job' anyway? In which case you ANBU

Re the pension - he could die before you, before pension age, or do what my 'lovely' father did and take off with pension and another woman before pension age. Leaving DM with nothing .

Get your own and get it paid up to date - using joint money. After all, you've been facilitating him paying into his.

StripeyDeckchair · 01/03/2018 18:55

You don't have a pension because your DH didn't want you to have one.

Wow!

In your shoes I'd carry on working 4days/week and invest 1 days earnings in a pension. You have no idea what might happen in the future and not to secure your own financial future is the height of foolhardiness.

50%+ of marriages end in divorce with no pension you'd be screwed

1ndig0 · 01/03/2018 18:55

How many hours does your DH work in comparison? Do you have DC to factor in?

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2018 18:56

What do you mean he doesn't want you to have a pension? Why do you not get a say? What if he dies or you split up?

Honestly I am struggling to beleive you're actually serious with that sentance. No one in their right mind would agree to that. It's nuts.

Blackteadrinker77 · 01/03/2018 18:56

You seriously need to look to self sufficient money wise. Including a pension.

You also need to be honest with your husband.

DalekDalekDalek · 01/03/2018 18:59

DH didn't want me to have one as he said his will cover us both.
What if you split up? Or, for some reason, he loses his pension?

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship if you are considering lying about this. It's so sneaky and dishonest! YABVU.

Chanelprincess · 01/03/2018 19:00

Sounds like you need to speak to an IFA as soon as possible, preferably with your husband.

Cynara · 01/03/2018 19:03

Another person who cannot believe the pension situation. Seriously OP, you're an adult, sort it out.

StopPOP · 01/03/2018 19:05

Am at the pension!

Pleasebeafleabite · 01/03/2018 19:05

What are you doing on your non weekend day off? I work four days and "blitz the housework" on a Friday to keep the weekend free

For those saying you need a pension. Well it depends on the type of pension her DH has

At the levels of income they have coming in he's probably getting 40% tax relief on his contributions

And if they divorced and they had a long relationship she would be entitled to half the pension entitlement as a starting point for splitting assets

And if he died probably his fund value if it's defined contribution

GummyGoddess · 01/03/2018 19:14

You need a pension! His pension will not cover you both, you need your own! Do you want to live in poverty AND still be working full time in your 70's? What if you then lost your job and nobody would employ you? Council flat on £100 odd a week, not able to afford to go out , turn on the heating or buy anything more than smart price food.

Please sort out a pension ASAP, your DH should not want you dependent on him, he can take his pension away and the above scenario will become your reality. You can avoid this if you act now, the government won't take care of you and your DH's attitude has shown that he doesn't care enough about you now while you're pulling in a wage. What if he decides he's better off without you after claiming his pension? Did you opt out of automatic enrolment?

You need to take care of yourself and start working on your provision for your old age.

cansu · 01/03/2018 19:20

There are a few things here. You should be able to be straight up with him about this. How are you going to explain why you aren't at work? What if he is off sick? Are you going to pretend to go to work?? How would you react if he did the same thing? I am not always straight with my dp but that is because we have a fairly shit relationship. If things are good you should be able to speak to him. The other thing to consider is you seem to be v financially dependent on him. What if things go wrong? Then what??

Parker231 · 01/03/2018 19:21

What funds are in your DH’s pension - do you know that it is sufficient to cover both your retirement plans?

GummyGoddess · 01/03/2018 19:23

@Pleasebeafleabite

She DOES need her own pension. If his is final salary and they split she will have to move her share to a DC scheme and it won't provide anywhere near the amount that it would in a DB scheme.

He can nominate someone else to receive his fund value in the event of his death in a DC scheme. Ours is at Trustees discretion. If the wife is not nominated a share would still be paid to her, but it would be split between the nominated beneficiaries and wife. Our Trustees do not have to use their discretion and could just pay it out to whoever was nominated and screw over the wife (as we have seen some married partners try to do occasionally).

If they stay together and he dies in retirement, the spouse portion of a DB scheme will be a much smaller proportion of the amount paid to him. If it is a DC scheme then he would have had to pick the option of including a spouse pension which means he would get a lower rate per annum. With his current attitude I can't see him making that sacrifice.

Or if it's a DC scheme he could take the whole lot and fritter it away if he pleases, leaving them with nothing.

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/03/2018 19:24

I wouldn't do this. If it is so easy to drop and pick up shifts why don't you drop a day every 2-3 weeks?

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