To ask why do parents get softer as they get older?

[StressedOut1701]

Genuinely curious as everyone with younger siblings I've spoken to seems to agree with this...

I'm 26, have a DB of 18 and DS of 16. My mum had me when she was 20, met my DF (step) when I was three and then went on to have my brother and sister.

When I was growing up, I was never given pocket money and was expected to get the bus anywhere I wanted to go. This included two buses each way to and from school. I had to get a job at 16 to afford to eat at college and have some spends on XYZ. I had to pay for my own phone and contact, I was never allowed friends over etc.

As my parents have gotten older, they have gone completely soft and my DB and DS want for nothing. They have phones paid for them, get lifts wherever they want to go and get £20 pocket money each a week! My mum is still driving my DS to college despite having a free bus pass and buses being every 15 mins! She is definitely the most favoured out of us!

It's defenitely not a money thing as they are worse off now than what they have ever been financially.

My DP's mother is the same with her DD who is the youngest of DP's siblings.

Have you noticed that your parents treat the youngest any different to how they treated you? Or if you're a parent, why do you go soft?

Parents don’t get everything right. We try to ‘do the right thing’ for DC1. It isn’t necessary right, it doesn’t necessarily work. Theory and practice are two different things, we are learning on the job. We get tired. Our priorities change. We recognise our children are individuals. We become more aware that our time with our children is short. We age. We are getting older. Time is precious. Our feelings change.
For example:
DC1 was routine led, sleep trained, organic, puréed home made food.
DC4 was ‘baby-led weaning’, co-slept.
I haven’t ‘gone soft’ I have just adapted to circumstance, age, priorities.
Nothing stays the same.

The only thing that stays the same is being loved completely and unconditionally. That is consistent and constant.

Because the older siblings knock the parents into shape for the younger ones?

I think it’s because the eldest turns out fine so DPs think wow we’re good at this and take it easier with later DCs as they aren’t so anxious.

Because we’ve given up?

Because we're learning on the job?

What seemed very important with DC1, we later realise was totally unimportant.

A combination of being worn down, and that as the youngest grow up, they find themselves with a little more time, perhaps a little more money as they've been working longer, and they share it around a bit more.

My DS was complaining this morning that his younger brother has it easier than him, because DS2 has me, DP and DS1 to look after him, but DS1 only has DP and I.

Mind you, when my littlest sister got to have a cat, and her ears pierced when she was nine, and I'd been banned until I was 12, and certainly not allowed a cat, I was obviously a bit put out (until I realised I was a grown adult, and I could do either of these things if I wanted, without having to ask my parents)

I had to get a job at 16 to afford to eat at college not up early enough to make the packed lunch offered

You had 8 years of 1:1 parenting. The others didn’t.

@HollyBayTree I'd be up at 6 to get the first of 2 buses at 7am. I didn't have packed lunch as my parents didn't buy things I like during their shop. I had very little say.

You try to follow rules /theories about parenting with your first. You think you've cracked it when the second comes along and is different. The things that worked or were important for the first child don't work on the second who brings new and different challenges.
This is what parents of only children never face.
As you get older you realise that most of it doesn't matter anyway.

We mature like fine wine.,

OP, my siblings are 3, 8 and 9.

They're complete brats a lot of the time

I was never allowed to do half the things they do! And I wouldn't of even dreamed of doing them anyway. I was more respectful and wasn't the type to throw the words 'I hate you about' but my youngest sister does this often with no consequence.

Where as I would have been chased up the stairs and met my maker

I'm 20 now.

I'm the younger child in this situation. I think my parents were much harder on me than my big sister (she's 10 years older than me)!! They were young hippies when she was born so really chilled. They were more sharp elbowed middle class when I was young. I wonder if your siblings would feel as you do!?

As well as what has been said - it’s harder with more children. As some of your children get older and take on more for themselves you can relax a bit with the ones that are left. It does sound as though they were particularly strict with you though.

I think age gaps and thus age of parents and more parental experience time makes a difference.

Mine are close together I think there is less difference than between my siblings and me with much larger gaps. There is some with mine - mainly less enthusiasm with stuff with third - parties and school dress up days etc but we aware so try and make an effort still.

So far there isn't really more freedom mainly as eldest is by far the most sensible of our off spring.

I asked my mum this, because she is so much softer with my younger siblings than she ever was with me, (had me at 18 and my younger three siblings at 33 and 37).
She told me it’s more that it’s a mixture of less worrying over what others think of her parenting and more what suits her family, less worrying about the small stuff that in the end aren’t such a big deal in the grand scheme of things and also being more experienced so knowing what ‘fights’ are worth picking.

Exhaustion.

They run out of enthusiasm.

I also think that younger siblings are a little more mature due to emulating their older brothers and sisters.

Well my 5 would say each other was more spoilt. None of them were treated any differently to be honest

I'm definitely a bit softer on the youngest. And I do think in hindsight I expected too much of the eldest (1 have 5) .

I think dc1 is the guinea pig. So you do your best and have all these preconceived ideas of what should be done and dc1 gets it all head on. By the time number 5 comes along you've just chilled the fuck out as you realise they'll turn out just fine anyway. Well hopefully!

However, if my eldest was being made to get the bus at 16, unless there were very different circumstances such as I didn't have a car then but do now. No money then but do now. It was easier because of also juggling babies and toddlers then but don't now then that's pretty unreasonable.

Wait untill they have grandchildren , I was rarely allowed sweets or chocolate etc they have cupboards full of them now for their grandsons , they give money to their grandchildren whenever they ask for it they rarely gave me or dsis any apart from weekly pocket money

breakfast laughing all over the room at younger siblings being more mature.

They are usually much less mature due to being more spoilt and seen as "the baby.

Because they are richer than when they had you so can afford to be less strict with money.

I think it's because most people learn to prioritise as they get older, and they realise things that some things they obsessed over when they were younger don't matter in the slightest. This includes certain parenting decisions. People learn how to pick their battles and to just "enjoy the moment" rather than worry.

My parents coddle my (much) younger brother now....they were strict with money and rules with me. He pretty much gets free reign and a free ride! They do have more money now but also I think gender might have something to do with it....