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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not travel 150 miles to a funeral today?

75 replies

Onedaynamechange · 01/03/2018 07:16

We planned to go my cousin's funeral today which is 150 miles away. Just watching the weather report which is basically saying don't go out unless you have to, it is in an area which isn't under blizzard conditions at the moment but our journey involves traveling through snowy conditions. Last night I was veering towards not going but her DH has put a passive aggressive meme on FB this morning suggesting people are being a bit pathetic not wanting to travel...if it was me I think I would be telling people "Don't come, the journey will be a nightmare!"

OP posts:

Abstardust · 01/03/2018 08:21

I wouldn't risk it, we haven't had snow since yesterday afternoon but we've had a lot before then. It's now drifting onto roads because of the winds, it's making a lot of A roads impassable. Police have advised only essential travel.
If you do decide to go, make sure to pack supplies eg blankets, snacks etc.

TheClacksAreDown · 01/03/2018 08:21

Cut the got done slack. He has lost his wife and is grieving. Of course attending the weather is a priority for him.

I think for me it would be fact specific. If day you would be outside the red/amber warnings, were on motorways nearly all of the way etc then maybe. Smalll mountain passes and country windy B roads in a red zone certainly not.

If you do go do make sure to take extra clothes, blankets, shovel, water, food etc just in case.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/03/2018 08:26

Don't go OP, stay safe, but do try and contact your cousins husband.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/03/2018 08:27

Depends on conditions where you are and where you're going, but you're probably not being U at all. Even if major roads are salted/gritted, minor roads will very likely be like ice rinks. A niece of mine and her Dh missed a funeral yesterday - a relative of her Dh - conditions where they live (NE UK) are very bad and it would have been foolhardy to attempt it.

fusushumi · 01/03/2018 08:28

I think you are being sensible not to go. 150 miles is a long way and as you say, you do not know how the weather may develop through the day possibly making the return journey quite hazardous. You should put safety first, as we are all being advised to do.

Herbalteahippie · 01/03/2018 08:28

Don’t go. Send a nice card and a charity donation to the family. Emotions run high at these times, take care x

Ffsnothingworks · 01/03/2018 08:28

Can you message and say that you would be there if it wasn’t for the weather, but you will be taking that time to remember your cousin and the times you enjoyed together. And make arrangements to go and visit when the weather is better?

BiteyShark · 01/03/2018 08:29

That far away I would not risk it. Yes he might be grieving and not thinking straight but what he is suggesting is that people should put their self at risk of being stranded or having an accident to make him feel better.

BewareOfDragons · 01/03/2018 08:37

Her DH is mourning and isn't thinking clearly. No one should be risking their lives to attend a funeral. The family shouldn't be risking more funerals in the immediate future.

Send your condolences.

In some areas, your insurance probably isn't even valid if there's a red weather warning in place. A funeral is not an emergency. Keeping yourselves safe is the priority.

Tantpoke · 01/03/2018 08:40

If you are concerned about what other family memebers think about you not turning up in this weather, well it says alot more about them than you (ie they should want to put your safety first and should be pursuading you not to go)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/03/2018 08:41

If it was one of my cousins I was close to as a child, I’d really try to go. If at all possible, by train, because whilst I am used to driving in ice & snow, many in the UK are not and so the roads soon become very, very dangerous. I also think that journeys that aren’t completely necessary should be avoided to help those that have to drive.

What I would not do is put my children in a situation of danger or just severe discomfort perhaps ending up stuck in a very very cold car or train for hours.

It’s sad not to be able to make a funeral, but everyone needs to remember that it’s just a funeral. It’s not be able to see someone for the last time & it will not bring the person back. I’m not minimising how lovely it is to have a lot of people turn up for a funeral, it is, it does help a lot, but I’d never want people to put themselves at risk to come.

I’d never risk the lives of anyone, but especially my children, to attend a funeral.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 01/03/2018 08:45

My Nana's funeral was yesterday and a lot of people didn't get there because of the weather.
I made it after a long journey but am now stuck at the other side of the country waiting for the weather warnings to be lifted.
I think your well within your rights not to try it. The weather is exceptionally bad.

MotherofTerriers · 01/03/2018 08:50

If you want to avoid an argument then message and say you set out but had to turn back as roads too bad.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/03/2018 08:56

If it was just a matter of inconvenience I would move heaven and earth to get to a funeral, but 150 miles through areas you know to be dangerous might be a bit much.

Is there any chance of going by train? Could the relatives who are already there pick you up from the station?

S0upertrooper · 01/03/2018 09:08

Sorry haven't read all this thread but I have heard that insurance may be invalid if you have an accident and there was a warning issued. I'd check with insurance company but they may we'll be closed?

BrendasUmbrella · 01/03/2018 09:36

I would lie. Tell them you tried to make it there but had to turn around. It's very sad to miss a family members funeral, but you also don't want to risk getting into an accident on our notoriously rubbish in ice and snow roads. Just spend some time in quiet contemplation today, you don't physically have to be there as long as shes in your thoughts.

TerfyMcTerface · 01/03/2018 09:40

BrendasUmbrella has beaten to me to it. You set out, but had to turn around en route. I don’t usually recommend lying, but it would be the best thing on this occasion.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/03/2018 09:48

In lreland we have another mass a month after a funeral. That is often used as an opportunity to attend if you miss the funeral and appreciated by the family when all the other people have moved on. So l would not travel and would visit when weather is normal maybe bringing some flowers and a nice card talking about your memories of her. I am sure she would be mortified if she knew her dh put up such a thoughtless message. I completely don't get a dh going on facebook before his wifes funeral and passing comments..grief or no grief. Have some dignity.
So do not travel .

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 01/03/2018 09:48

I'm in a yellow area for snow and it's horrendous here. Car accidents all over the place, side streets completely blocked. The main roads are passable but only just - and that's with the snow plough having made regular passes up and down it. I can only imagine how much worse it is in Amber and Red areas.

It's forecast to be windy today which means that the snow will drift. I've been in our garden this morning and it's already over the tops of my wellies in places.

If there is an advisory not to travel then it is there for a reason. If you feel you must go then make sure you have plenty of supplies, warm clothing, blankets, a shovel and some grit or cat litter to give you traction if you get stuck.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/03/2018 09:50

Actually I think the people advising you to lie might be right. Just make sure you lie to everyone and never change your story, as it would cause bad feeling if found out.

Gramgram · 01/03/2018 11:50

When my DF died in January five years ago the weather was awful. I told people if they didn't want to go to the service at the crematorium they were still very welcome at the wake. I was relieved that many of them didn't venture out in their cars but still arrived at the village pub for the wake.

Original poster

Onedaynamechange · 01/03/2018 11:59

We haven’t gone. I managed to contact him this morning to check what it’s like where they are (worried about local roads) and he said it was worsening and not to go. Will be gathering with other family who haven’t travelled up today and having our own little memorial.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 01/03/2018 12:05

We have a funeral tomorrow which, for us is local but I fear a lot of family won’t make it. It’s sad but completely unavoidable. The deceased would hardly want anyone to be put at risk to attend the ceremony.

When my MIL was too ill to attend the funeral of her sister I sat with her at the time of the service and lit a candle with some flowers and a photo of her sister and we just sat very quietly together. It was really moving and special.

BiteyShark · 01/03/2018 12:06

Sounds like everyone was very sensible in the end and a local memorial is a nice thing to do.

Gramgram · 02/03/2018 08:31

Very sensible @ onedaynamechange Maybe at another time your family can gather and plant a tree or similar.

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