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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what would happen with maintenance in this situation

145 replies

MaceWindu · 28/02/2018 12:48

A and B are separated, have one DC. B pays maintenance to A.

B has another DC with C. C and B decide B will become a stay at home parent and C will go back to work.

What happens with maintenance for A and B's child together?

OP posts:

Sophieelmer · 28/02/2018 16:16

My mind absolutely boggles in threads like this when someone suggests that a child with a NRP that behaves like this should go live with them! For fucks sake this is child we are talking about. A 3 year old doing 50/50 in circumstances like this is tantamount to neglect.
50:50 can be great for some children with equally devoted and responsible parents. Nothing about this situation says that this child has 2 parents like that.

Sophieelmer · 28/02/2018 16:17

B and C are tossers

Pleasebeafleabite · 28/02/2018 16:21

I feel for you OP.

At least he is your ex, C has to live with a twat who she knows doesn't support his child. What a catch he is

I could not live with a man like that, let alone collude in his attempts to avoid maintenance

Pointlessfacts · 28/02/2018 16:22

If this guy isn't willing to pay child support then he certainly isn't going to pay the fees to take A to court.

No worries on contact, he'll simply cut his losses and focus on the child he has with C.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/02/2018 16:42

At least he is your ex, C has to live with a twat who she knows doesn't support his child. What a catch he is. I could not live with a man like that, let alone collude in his attempts to avoid maintenance

Sadly, there are many who are happy to actively collide as threads like this demonstrate. Still more collide indirectly by not asking questions they know they won’t like the answers to. And society as a whole believes children are women’s work and women’s responsibility. Just look at the utter shite directed at single parents.

prh47bridge · 28/02/2018 16:46

Interested to know if this would be a reasonable conclusion

If the contact is court ordered and specifies that the OP drops the child off or picks them up the OP must continue to drop off/pick up the child regardless of any changes to maintenance.

If there is no court order in place the OP can do what they want. However, if B was paying maintenance they could get a reduction to take account of any costs incurred relating to contact. So, if it ended up in court, the judge may take the view that the OP was being unreasonable if they went down this route. However, that is not guaranteed. If B is the one that moved away the courts are more likely to look kindly on the OP refusing to meet the costs of contact.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/02/2018 16:47

*collude

blackteasplease · 28/02/2018 16:49

B is an irresponsible, amoral twat.

I'd say the same if B was male or female but let's face it they'll be male.

blackteasplease · 28/02/2018 16:54

Also C "going back to work" suggests that C is female.

NewtScamandersNaughtyNiffler · 28/02/2018 16:56

A will get nothing.

I am A in my own situation ( only I have 2 DC with B). He gave up work to help C with her 2DC (apparently she couldn't manage them on her own). They then had 2 more DC together.
I get nothing at all towards our DC. It's wrong.

donners312 · 28/02/2018 16:57

This happened to me and my Ex refused to pay maintenance despite being pretty well off.

He has taken me to court many times (doesnt have the money for maintenance but will pay for that!!).

I have posted many times how i was court ordered to do the travelling which is a significant distance.

My advice would be to accept you will not get any money and PRAY he fucks off and lets you just get on with your life. Don't expect the court to support you. Just stay away from him and keep quiet you can make it work yourself and that is the best thing for your DS.

He is utter utter scum and it is so unfair it makes me very angry.

Firesuit · 28/02/2018 17:02

Actually B is not as bad as they could be, if the offer to have child full-time was sincere. (Obviously the attitude of C needs to be considered, and anyway that's hypothetical, as A probably isn't up for that change.)

stitchglitched · 28/02/2018 17:05

I'm interested to know how he thinks having the DC full time will work when the earning partner has already stated she won't pay for 'someone else's kid.' Does he not realise it costs you money to have a child living with you?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 28/02/2018 17:06

A gets nothing unless B and C aren’t selfish cunts and decide to still pay child support anyway.

It doesn’t matter if A has a partner or not. The new partner is not financially responsible for A’s child.

SunshineAfterRain · 28/02/2018 17:15

Never had this situation. But are you 100% sure he is not working. They may just be saying that.
I am not sure if there is a way to check.

It's so sad parents (males & female) are able to put their wants and need before their child. It's awful.

Toadinthehole · 28/02/2018 17:15

I assume the OP is in the UK, and presumably the child maintenance system there calculates payments on the basis of the relevant parents' income.

Does it also include a review system that allows an adjusted assessment on the basis that a standard one would result in unfairness?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/02/2018 17:17

Actually B is not as bad as they could be, if the offer to have child full-time was sincere
.???? Or indeed, a refusal to pay maintenance could be a very deliberate attempt to impoverish the child’s other household whereby he sweeps in and picks up the pieces. Eases his conscience but whatever way you look at it, removes a child from their main carer for no good reason, changes childcare, schools, moves in with other children etc. Fine if mum is ill or genuinely unable to cope, but utterly unreasonable to engineer this situation. Hardly ‘best interests’.

donners312 · 28/02/2018 17:20

I think it would be a great idea for a child to live with a parent full time who cares so little about him that he won't even pay MINIMUM CM and in fact goes out of his way to avoid paying it. He sounds like an amazing Father!!

Allthebestnamesareused · 28/02/2018 17:23

When I was personally in this situation the working partner paid the non-working partner's maintenance to their ex even though they were not legally obliged to. It just seemed the right thing to do for their partner's child.

InaConfusedState · 28/02/2018 17:40

Mace as a PP said, be glad that you’re no longer in a relationship with this selfish man. Sounds like he’s found someone equally selfish who suits him well.

I don’t think he can enforce DC living with him full time. He knows you won’t want that (and he can’t want it either, if he’s willing to cut basic financial support). He probably said it to give him a get-out clause if anyone finds out about his selfish ways. He’ll say ‘oh I offered to have DC full time but Mace didn’t let me so it’s her fault she has to financially support DC on her own’.

CherryMaDeary · 28/02/2018 17:47

@donners312

He has taken me to court many times (doesnt have the money for maintenance but will pay for that!!).

What did he take you to court for?

And what would have happened if you sold your car? Would you have been expected to do pick ups and drop off of long distances via public transport?

MayMummy · 28/02/2018 17:48

Might he still have to pay if it can be proved deliberately gave-up his job to avoid paying CM?

Pseudousername · 28/02/2018 18:24

Christ. I assume that him taking your child full time is a thinly veiled threat rather than a genuine offer.

What an utter, utter prick.

Just let him crack on with it OP. Legally you won't get any money from him so better just to quietly reduce your dealings with him as much as possible!

Julie8008 · 28/02/2018 18:37

Take him up on his offer to have DC full time, then you can go back to work and become a Disney mum at the weekends. Is 50/50 care possible with costs shared.

RockPaperCut · 28/02/2018 18:58

The suggestion for op to allow her 3yr old dc to live full time with B, who has the insight of a gnat is frankly ludicrous. C has already said she won’t contribute. How will that work if the dc is living there 50/50 or full time for that matter?

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