to monitor ten year old DD's mobile phone?

[mytether]

Hi all. My DD has just got a mobile phone. She's 10. She does not have social media on it but does have Whatsapp. I have said that she can text her friends etc but that I can go into it at any time to see what is being said (haven't actually done this yet).

I have said this partly because she is in a difficult friendship group at school - there has been bullying in the past (not by her) and I am nervous of how that might translate online. I also manage the amount of time she spends on it (only certain hours of the day) and she doesn't generally have use of it on her own -she doesn't have it in her bedroom at night for example.

Am I being ridiculous? She's more or less OK with these rules, but other parents have suggested that I am being totally unreasonable and even that this is an invasion of her privacy. I am beginning to doubt myself. Sorry, sure this has been done multiple times before.

My DDs friend was groomed at 14, all on WA.

There's just been a Peodophile ring in Court this week, all organised on Kik.

I'd say around 15, depending on the young person etc is the age that small amounts of freedom and privacy is given, until them, they need protection.

You'd be letting her down badly if you didn't Police it.

OP you are absolutely doing the right thing. Good on you.

Completely reasonable - I check everything and mine are 13 and 15 (nearly). And they know I do - so it's not snooping - it's just our rules of being allowed to use social media.

I often check ds’s phone (he’s 14) and until recently checked dd’s (she’s now 16). I have been advised by various professionals that parents should do this.

When I mentioned it, she said it was because her DD didn't feel comfortable knowing her conversations could be monitored by me!! and by literally ANY other sensible parent of a child on the WhatsApp group - how naive can she be to think that you are the only one checking? You're just the only one who mentioned it, not the only one who is doing it.

She's also actively training her daughter to be a bully little madam with zero consequences, which is a bit sad for a child of just 10.

Same here live life. Police & SS have told me that.

This is really reassuring. This conversation was really awkward for all sorts of reasons (I know this sounds like a drip feed, I don't mean it to). Anyway, it involved me explaining why they could no longer play together on a regular basis (because her DD was not being especially kind to my DD and I've had enough). This other parent was rather condescending to me as though she has a superior relationship of trust with her DD. I started to doubt myself but of course, it is totally nuts to think young kids should be left to their own devices (think that may be a pun or something)!

DS(10) doesn't have a phone but he does have an iPad (with WhatsApp) and I check it regular.

I check my 12 year olds phone weekly and there are certain apps I won't let them have. It sometimes provokes an honest discussion about the rights and wrongs of social media and what they can do to keep themself safe. I see it about educating them going forwards.

She's also actively training her daughter to be a bully little madam with zero consequences, which is a bit sad for a child of just 10.

Well yes - there's a lot I could say about that, but that's another conversation!

The friends mother is being totally irresponsible, she is her dd parent, not her friend. I bet she allows her free rein on the Internet, as she trusts her!

Yes, I think it's irresponsible. But also to be told in a rather patronizing way that the reason her DD was excluding mine was because of the monitoring .... as though her DD was demonstrating a mature attitude to privacy and .... grrrrr.

She won't be very smug if her dd gets groomed by a Paedophile. My friends 14 year old dd did, on one of these apps. Both she and her dd are not demonstrating a mature attitude at all, would she be happy for her dd to walk into a packed bar on her own, or to the supermarket,well that is what the internet is. Actually she is more safer walking to the Supermarket on her own, than the internet unmonitered and unrestricted.

If that was the case, so be it, they would not be dd friends anymore, you don't need bad influence in her life.

Yanbu.

Having read my 11 year old's son group chats, it's clear that some don't bother but should be reading and having a word.

Why does she need a phone at 10?
My son was being bullied on roblox. I told the school, it turned out there was some child grooming going on and also kids being encouraged to kill themselves.
From experience most adults are incredibly naïve about what children can and can't access. This is a mistake.
Many kids my kids know have facebook aged 10/11. Same as Skype.
There is an age limit for a reason!

DS1 is 10, he got his phone for Christmas. We'd always said he could have one to go to secondary school with so he didn't ask for one but he wanted to start going to and from school with his friends so we got it for him. I subsequently found out only he and one other girl in his class didn't already have one, and she got one for Christmas too.

He uses his phone to communicate with his friends and with my parents, who live abroad. He uses it to let me know when he gets to school, and when he gets home on the days I haven't got back by the time he is.

His phone is set up with all sorts of restrictions in terms of what he can access and what apps he can get. He's not allowed on social media, although some of his friends are. I check it daily as I said.

Checking daily is a must I agree.

I haven’t reached this stage yet. I think once every 4-7 days. A different day, a different time each week. Spot check with your child present. Doesn’t give them time to erase anything, also shows that you aren’t just going through looking at everything. Just a quick spot check. The moment your child is unhappy is probably when they are hiding something and that in itself is the worry. For as long as it’s normal to just check every now and then there will be trust on both sides.

Thanks again everybody for the reassurance. I feel much better now that I know that I'm not being totally over-protective. Wondering whether to point out to the other Mum that if her DD is concerned about being monitored, she probably will need to find some new friends. But almost certainly not worth it!

Well if dd’s Friends can cope with the fact that we spot checked Dd (dh is a teacher at her school) I’m sure this little madam could. Sounds like she is isn’t given much supervision at all.

Of course you should.
My dd was on Popjam and it started off all nice and supportive and sensible and then descended into soul sapping nonsense. I talked to her about it and she agree to remove the app completely.

I recently read a horrendous article about child grooming using Snapchat. What you are doing is the recommended advice for avoiding your child being at risk so carry on. It's not mistrust for your daughter it's you fulfilling your responsibility as a parent until she has mature enough to protect herself.

YANBU.
DD 11 has an iPod, no phone yet. Rules are simple, we know her passcode and she's not allowed to change it, her iPod can be checked at any time. No Facebook, no what's app, no instagram. No social media basically. She's deleted roblox after an unpleasant experience. Uses my Pinterest account (so I can see everything too) and uses messenger with about 3 friends. We've talked a lot about internet security and how some apps can be misused. She checks with us before installing anything new.

When my son is 10 I will be doing exactly the same. Probably till he’s about 14. He has a locked down iPad and no social media/ email yet. I have duplicates of everything on my iPhone/ iPad. I know what he’s watching for example.
It’s common sense these days. As he gets older I’ll speak to him about what is and isn’t good and acceptable online (and in life!) you are absolutely doing the right thing!