AIBU - School choices for ‘geeky’ child

[Curiousaboutchoices]

Named changed as could be identifiable with other info already on here.

My daughter has always been an insular child, very bright, loves books, writing stories/poems, colouring, never really liked toys. She never had or needed other kids or friends when very young, and now in late primary years can be quite socially awkward. She isn’t part of any particular group and has maybe missed the boat in forming friendships in a small school. She can struggle to find things to do with friends, perhaps because she is ‘friends’ with classmates with whom she actually has very little in common. When she feels awkward she tends to say whatever comes into her head, and because she has a scattergun mind, she can say random things and come across as a little bit odd. I see kids raising their eyebrows and walking away and it makes me ache.

I do worry how she’ll fit in at secondary if she continues to be quite socially awkward and on the fringes of social groups rather than actually in them. I remember how such kids were treated in my school and there was some terrible bullying which went on in relation to kids who were a bit different and who didn’t conform to social stereotypes. What I am really interested in is whether my slightly socially awkward ‘geeky’ girl would fit in better in a private school where there may be lots of other really bright, academic kids some of whom may share her slightly geeky idiosyncrasies? Or AIBU and is this just my prejudice about what ‘bright’ kids look like and complete nonsense? Do private schools still have the same tough hierarchy as anywhere else? Can private school parents share any experiences on this issue?

And any parents of non conformist, non typical kids who may naturally lurk on the sidelines of friendship groups, and who are in the state system, how have things worked out for you? Has your child found people they can relate to and form friendships with?

This is probably terribly phrased but I’m describing my own child as best I can, rather than trying to label anyone else. So please be gentle.

My DS is a quiet geeky child too however he has flourished in secondary. He has found a group of friends with similar interests and is very happy. It isn't like primary , there will be more children with similar personalities/interests there.
I was worried sick about him going into secondary but actually he loves it.
Try not to worry :)

Thanks slummy that’s v comforting! Glad your boy found his people

It depends on the private school really, If you choose a very academic one she may fit in better but that;s not to say the other children wont have other interests too. Have you had her assessed for autistic spectrum disorder? MY DH is off the scale intelligent but did very badly at school as he wasnt confident and had few friends. At the age of 39 he was finally diagnosed with being on the very mild end of the spectrum. x

I mean this kindly, but it genuinely depends where you are, and the schools you have available to you.
Schools are all so different to one another. I know state and independent schools where she'd have plenty of friends and feel comfortable and accepted.... and schools of each type where she wouldn't.

You could have described my dd in your op although she isn't now reaching super achievement level academic wise.

All I can say is that secondary is much easier as they do find their own people and there are more likely to be more kids like them.

Thanks everyone. Beehives - is your daughter at a comp?

Phil - I know what you mean. We would need to do our homework either way.

Cutes - there’s nothing so severe to investigate, think she’s just bright and quite insular. Plus treads her own path. It’s creating any ‘problems’ in terms of accessing education, just possibly issues in accessing friends!

Really comforted by the assurance of a bigger pond bringing more like minded fish.

Cutes - there’s nothing so severe to investigate, think she’s just bright and quite insular. Plus treads her own path. It’s creating any ‘problems’ in terms of accessing education, just possibly issues in accessing friends!
I didn't have any problems as such accessing education but I really could have done with my diagnosis at school & not years later when I'd already struggled. Autism can cause big social issues - making & keeping friends, interacting generally etc. It's not about just struggling with education & frequently isn't involved with that at all. I'm not saying that your DD is on the spectrum, but please don't rule it out so quickly for her sake!

How can a parent tell the difference Nike? I think (know) I’d get laughed out of school for suggesting that. Are you able to give me some ideas about what they look for/how they diagnose?

My DD is very able, and talented musically, and has AS. She was at independent primary, and gained places at v well-earned selective independent and grammar schools. We also have the option of a really v good comprehensive close by. We chose not to send her to the independent- too many people going there were not highly academic, geeky children- those were going to the (super selective) grammars.

I would think about having my DD assessed if I were you as she is struggling socially.

There is a chance that she has Aspergers / high functioning autism or maybe she has social anxiety.

My son has aspergers and is getting on very well academically in school and is very happy but doesn't connect closely with the other children. He has got a lot of help since he was diagnosed and the school are continually working on his social skills. The most important thing is that the diagnosis gives him, and us, and everyone around him an understanding of his issues.

I had quite bad social anxiety as a child and teenager and I wish my parents had gpt help for my anxiety but they thought I was just shy so I suffered through it.

Also, even if your daughter doesn't meet the criteria for a diagnosis she still needs help with social skills.

I use the Everyday Speech app with my son - it has very good social skills videos many of them aimed at older children and teenagers. It cists about €10 a month but I think you can trial it for a month to see if it would be of use to you.

Just my individual experience - your daughter sounds very similar to my son. He was fine in the early years of primary but struggled as he reached the later years and the differences between him and his friends became more pronounced. As it happens, we did send him to a private secondary, where he happened to find his set. That helped him become more socially confident, and proud to tread his own path. He's a self confessed geek (or nerd, can't remember which one I'm allowed to call him!), but also loves sports, can talk to girls and grown ups, so it worked out OK for us. But I can't help feeling it's as much luck as judgement - he happened not to find his gang in his primary school, whereas he made two or three really strong friendships in secondary. It may be that his private school has a greater emphasis on academic achievement and that gives him more 'permission' to be himself - but that feels a little patronising, both to the schools and to him.

My dd has always been insular and geeky. She’s about to do her A levels and although she has made some friends she’s not really sociable. It’s perfectly ok to be like this, she’s not bothered by it because she’d rather have her head in a book revising than out partying.

I have an insular and geeky ds who has aspergers. He never managed to fit in at school and was chronically bullied so we deregistered him and he goes to Interhigh online secondary school. He’s doing well and enjoying it and isn’t bothered about day to day contact with peers, although we are getting into some social activities to avoid isolation.

If you think your dd might have aspergers then she may struggle to fit in at school even if it’s a private one.

Get her to do some of the screening questionnaires online and the rdos test - which isn’t part of formal screening but gives a good insight into whether there is neurodiversity present.

You need to go and visit all your options before making your decision. My ds is 9/year 4 and similar to how you describe your dd. He does go to a private school and has a group of friends who are similar to him - we chose the school because it has very strong pastoral care and a 'whole child' ethos. Other private schools in the area are more firmly academic/sporty and would not have suited ds, even though he is bright. My younger 2 dc go there too - very different personalities, but also very happy and well suited to the school as all dc treated as individuals/all talents and abilities celebrated. It would be a mistake to assume private automatically equals better - I would visit lots of schools before making a decision. The very academic private school in our area is also very competitive with an 'alpha' child sort of feel about it - this is great for some dc, but others need stronger pastoral care. My view is that being happy at school is most important - if they are happy, then they are more likely to flourish and do well.

Autism presents differently in girls.
From what you've said, I'd consider assessment.
The Lorna Wing Centre is the gold standard for private assessment of girls and women and they are recognised by local authorities.
NHS waiting lists can be up to 2 years, 18 months is average in a lot of areas.

Ok, so I’ve read the checklists on nhs choices for ASD and she definitely doesn’t fit the bill. I just don’t think she’s found her kind of people yet, nor they her. I agree with slutty that some kids just prefer different things or present differently to the mainstream, though I suppose I see my daughter wanting to break into the mainstream and often failing.

When she does meet people she likes, or makes a good friend at school/an activity she’s very relaxed, vocal and fun. And they usually tend to be older. She’s always been an old head on young shoulders. So I really think it’s about finding that forum to mix with all kinds of people but including people who are perhaps more like her. That’s what I want for her, to find people who actively choose to be her friend, and she them.

It sounds like the answer isn’t a state/private debate (which I’m pleased. About) but finding a school that suits the individual child. I do see that the larger numbers at secondary are going to help hugely in anyone finding other young people they can relate to.

Another one here who has a geeky child. He didn't have any particular friends at his small primary although he got along with them well enough. He was not interested in football and all the other boys were.

He is now year 8 at his large, comprehensive secondary and has "found his people" - there is a geeky group who sit around at lunchtime discussing maths. He has joined science club. He is having a great time.

My son was bullied at primary school; he is very bright and also taller (and bigger) than average so he stood out. He is a total dreamer and seems to live in his own little world.

We moved him to a private school which we felt would suit him and he has thrived. He is now a happy, confident 12 year old who enjoys all the advantages his school has to offer.

For the record we considered having him assessed for autism when he was younger but we are now happy that his eccentricities are just the way he is, although his best friend has autism and they share many interests and enjoy spending time with each other.

As someone else said, it totally depends on where you live and what the options are.

My dcs are not sociable, in-crowd types but we live in an area where everyone goes to the local comprehensive, so you can find your tribe, whatever that may be. Ds is the Geekiest of the Geeks, and he found himself in a tutor group (I think by design - the teacher in charge of transition from primary schools was tremendously good at this) with some fellow cricket, chess and superhero nerds.

If, however, you live somewhere where the children tend to scatter after primary school, then you need to research carefully which school is the most suitable.

I wouldn't rush to find a "label" for your dd as some posters suggest. Some people are just quiet, or have interests that are not in the mainstream and can really come out of their shell when they find likeminded folk.

Some positive stories here from both sides of the fence. Thanks all. Feeling much better. We have a feeder comp where most local kids go, it’s top rated and has a very local and pretty middle class/aspirational catchment so I’d hope she’d be able to find her bright, own little world (yep, she’s in hers too) non mainstream bedfellows. I love the idea that schools will deliberately put kids who might gel together, especially where they are the ones who might naturally struggle to gel with others. That’s really great pastoral support.

Out of interest, is there any unchecked bullying from the ‘cool’camps towards the geekier guys at your comps? There will always be friction between different groups/types, but it’s the unchecked or ‘accrpted’ Jeers or taunts I’d hate her to experience. I remember having to hide my academic commitment under a veneer of faux cool and I don’t want her to have to do that - I want her to be proud of what she is.

If you’re looking for other bright and possibly geeky kids I’d go for a grammar school rather than private. Then they have to sit an exam to get in. Kids at private schools are not necessarily bright they may just have rich parents.

Whatever you decide I hope you find the right place for your dd and she flourishes xxx

I also wouldn’t rule out asd. My child with asd ticks very little on the checklists either and is pretty sociable/has a group of friends.

Thanks pork - I take that on board and keep it under surveillance. We don’t have grammars here I don’t think but the privates are mostly very academic and have an unfortunately competitive parent body. One of the reasons we don’t want to go private, selfish reasons about us not wanting to be in or around those kind of circles. Realise it’s not like that everywhere, it’s just how it is local to us.

But I’ll do more proper research. Thank you.

Thanks cutes