AIBU - School choices for ‘geeky’ child

[Curiousaboutchoices]

Named changed as could be identifiable with other info already on here.

My daughter has always been an insular child, very bright, loves books, writing stories/poems, colouring, never really liked toys. She never had or needed other kids or friends when very young, and now in late primary years can be quite socially awkward. She isn’t part of any particular group and has maybe missed the boat in forming friendships in a small school. She can struggle to find things to do with friends, perhaps because she is ‘friends’ with classmates with whom she actually has very little in common. When she feels awkward she tends to say whatever comes into her head, and because she has a scattergun mind, she can say random things and come across as a little bit odd. I see kids raising their eyebrows and walking away and it makes me ache.

I do worry how she’ll fit in at secondary if she continues to be quite socially awkward and on the fringes of social groups rather than actually in them. I remember how such kids were treated in my school and there was some terrible bullying which went on in relation to kids who were a bit different and who didn’t conform to social stereotypes. What I am really interested in is whether my slightly socially awkward ‘geeky’ girl would fit in better in a private school where there may be lots of other really bright, academic kids some of whom may share her slightly geeky idiosyncrasies? Or AIBU and is this just my prejudice about what ‘bright’ kids look like and complete nonsense? Do private schools still have the same tough hierarchy as anywhere else? Can private school parents share any experiences on this issue?

And any parents of non conformist, non typical kids who may naturally lurk on the sidelines of friendship groups, and who are in the state system, how have things worked out for you? Has your child found people they can relate to and form friendships with?

This is probably terribly phrased but I’m describing my own child as best I can, rather than trying to label anyone else. So please be gentle.

Same as slummy, my 13 yr was exactly the same in primary but once started secondary has flourished , has found himself some equally geeky friends and confidence has soared

Not at the dcs' comp. I don't think it's uncool to be clever any more. Dh went to a comp a million years ago and he was mercilessly hounded (by teachers as well as other kids) for being a "posh poof".

I think any "bullying" (I am not keen on the overuse of that term) occurs when girls (and it is usually girls) feel left out of groups they aspire to belong to. I hear parents whingeing that Sophie/Emma/whoever are being "bullied" but this tends to mean that they have been left out of some online chat or haven't been invited to a sleepover blah de blah. All very dramatic at the time but not what I would call bullying - and certainly does not involve being mean to quieter/geekier/untrendy girls.

DD1 is similar to your DD although she has a few AN but she is what they euphemistically call twice gifted. DD is not autistic either (her DB is) so quirky definitely does not equal ASD.

She loves her own company and is very comfortable in her own skin like your DD and prides herself on being an absolute nerd.

She loves secondary, it pushes her in a way primary didn’t, she loves all the specialism in teaching and moving between rooms for classes. You might find your DD flourishes in secondary, I know I was nervous but DD has loved it. (We are not Uk so I can’t advise on school types but I just wanted to give you a positive story).

Lady I know what you mean about the term bullying. I was talking about genuine bullying from the 80s and 90s, which went unchecked at my school, not the tittle tattle and falling out that I know can happen with girls. Our primary is great at differentiating and dealing with only the re stuff.
Any idea why it’s now not uncool to be clever? Are teens in general more accepting of difference because they are being brought up in a more open and pc society? I hope so, that would be really wonderful.

Thanks yellow, that’s really positive. What does twice gifted mean? Glad she found her feet at secondary. Are you state or private where you are?

We are state here. There was a private option but she did not get a place. State provision at secondary level is very good though.

Twice gifted means she is on the G&T register but she has severe dyslexia (and dyspraxia) so maybe 3 times gifted . She has mostly grown out of the dyslexia in her reading but can’t spell for toffee.

I was pretty similar as a child. I went to an independent secondary school on a scholarship. It took until year 9 to make friends but that was when we were streamed by ability in some subjects so I found friends who were equally geeky. It didn't help that it was single sex, I think I'd have got on better with boys. Perhaps look at schools with lots of clubs and extra curricular activities where she has a chance of mixing with children from other classes and year groups. It could be that that's where she makes friends. By the time I got to sixth form, my friendship group consisted of a few girls from my year in a different class, one girl from the year below and a few boys from the nearby boys' school.

This sounds just like my dd. She's very academically gifted, but just not very sociable. She's very happy in her own company and would rather be on her own than have to spend time socialising with people she doesn't particularly like. She's now in her 20s and I've realised that this is just "her". Not everyone is hugely social. She was at a very small primary and was never one of the "in" group of girls, I was terrified when she moved on to a large comprehensive but amongst a much larger year group she immediately made a group of friends who she is still close to today, even after uni. She did extremely well at gcse (11 A*) and at A level. I think the notion that academic achievement is under rated at state schools is a little out of date, although it does of course depend on the school. I'm sure that within a larger school your DD will find more like minded friends. Whether its private or state is not really relevant.

Our experience was mixed - ds definitely quirky and dyspraxic - we picked the closest comp (we are lucky to have 3 good around us) as the kids that had bullied him were mainly going to the other one ! also picked it as the strictest and most streamy - unfortunately because he has SEN he wasn't in the brightest sets as he had to leave class for inclusion support so its 'policy' - he wasn't geeky enough for the really geeky group - and there were very very few extra curricular activities or never found them and he was bullied..
school were good at sorting out the bullies but poor at managing his SEN and ability combination...
however a colleagues DD at the same school who has no SEN just more 'straightforward geekiness' has found quite few girls..she is a real bookworm and found friends in the library...
at a different school another DD has found friends via the music rooms.... so my suggestion would be pick the strictest most academic you can (the more laidback school near us def has more girly hair swishing/.make up angst)
and suggest she hangs out in the library/music/art areas or go for sports teams whatever her thing is
I think my DS may have found his tribe if he had made it to year 9 when they do gcse options all streamed classes but we moved him to a smaller school - which has less options for friends in a way but less stress overall...

My geeky socially awkward ds was on the sidelines in primary and badly bullied. In secondary school he is thriving. Mainly because secondaries don't put up with the bully crap that primaries seem to and also because it is so much bigger and he has found like minded friends. He now has a best friend for the first time ever! 😁

Sweet moon that’s brilliant! I’m so pleased for him.

Avery - good advice. I’ll have a look and ageee that you might find your kind in extra curricular stuff. Do comps routinely do lunchtime and after school hobby/sports clubs then? I know the privates do and it’s one of the big attractions.

Hi not many clubs really he missed the drama club as was out of class for a session and never found out about it!
basketball club was full of the school trouble makers and he didn't like football and that was it..... lack of clubs and activities in a huge comp did not help and the ones that had been on the website/in the prospectus were not running anymore as they didn't have the staff.....
most extra curricular activity were things like gcse workshops and academic catch ups (understandable but no breadth)

So my other tip would be to ask exactly which clubs are on or for a real timetable when on your tour as the marketing/reality was quite different...

No bullying of the geeks at son's school. I know what you mean - when I was at school it definitely wasn't cool to be clever and I was picked on mercilessly for making an effort academically.

I think the school ethos matters here - son's school celebrates achievement and effort.

I also think that if there are enough geeks sticking together it's much easier to ignore any comments etc.

Lots of clubs available too, both lunchtime and after school (although that's tricky for us due to buses).