To think I'm too poor for friends?

[toopoorforfriends]

I'm cripplingly poor atm. Can't pay the mortgage, have £0 coming in ( my own fault , personal circumstances and a failed business. I've applied for tax credits, which I'm told take up to 12 weeks, and can have advised me to apply for pip but again that's a slow process)

It means that I haven't put the heating on this year. I have an oil heater in the living room, two duvets on each bed and employ hot water bottles abs layers. So despite me and dc being fine with this I can't invite my friends here ( or dc friends) because people hate cold houses.

I can't afford bus fare to visit friends, and the insurance on the car hasn't been paid.

I can't go anywhere or do anything really, I'm literally too poor to maintain friendships. Aibu to think that when you are really on your arse and have nothing- you can't have friends either? Because, how do you? Even if a friend came by and was happy to live with the cold, I couldn't reciprocate. It feels impossible

It's hard. It's really hard knowing you can't afford to do things together and you can't reciprocate hospitality.

Proper friends won't care about that. They'll still want to see you and will find ways to make that happen.

If you already have friends it shouldn't matter. My friends dh got very ill and was breadwinner in the house so they were broke. I picked her up . We had a cup of coffee in town. I paid. It was no big deal. She was very open and honest and our friendship just continued. We would chat on the phone as usual. Try and stay in touch. And be honest wuth at least one or two so you have support.

That sounds very difficult. I don't really have any solutions. But maybe for now you just need to enjoy (free) activities and spending time with DC. And remind yourself a lot that things won't always be this tough.
Maybe for yourself, join the library, read, long walks. Get out of the cold house a bit.
Are there friends you could meet you for a walk with DC?

If your friends are true friends they wouldn't care how much money you had. Indeed, if they were good friends they would go out their way to invite you round to theirs for a hot dinner and a nice cosy chat. Or take you out for coffee. I know my friends would do this for me and i would do the same for them. Especially with the freezing weather we are having right now. I actually think i would have my friends stay with me in cold like this so they weren't frozen.

Surely your friends only concern will be to help in any way they can?

They can maybe bring you a ready made casserole so you just have to heat it up or they can bring some cake to go with a hot brew. They won't care they are in the cold for an hour, they'll be dressed weather appropriate anyway. They'll care that you are in this position.

Do your friends know how things are? If you were my friend I would want to know and would pick you up to go out etc like june suggests above

Being honest and friends will understand is what I've been told. It's not easy though.

I think it’s hard times like this when friends often show how great they are. You won’t be this way forever but if you explain to friends you’d love to see them but can’t afford the bus fare etc then you might be surprised by what they do then one day when they’re in a difficult position you can repay the favour

Surely a friend would be there for you and do what they could to keep the friendship going?

It's different with making new friends as I imagine most people would be a bit wary of making a new friendship with somebody in crisis, it's not a good time.

But an existing friend can only help if you let them know what's going on. If I had a friend in your position I'd visit you in a heartbeat whatever the temperature, happily be the one to travel each time, take us both out for some food or coffee, maybe even offer a gift of some money if I could spare it and it'd get the heating back on.

Have you reached out to your friends to explain that things are rough and you feel guilty not being able to reciprocate every time but you'd still love to see them somehow?

Close friends would want to know and help you out. It isn't easy to let people help but they would rather that than lose your friendship I am sure.

Your real mates won't care. Well they will for you but not judge you. Been where you are and withdrawing feels easier. It passes though and I look back at that really difficult time fondly as I spent alot of time and effort with lo.

If you cant afford the mortgage and car insurance, you have more pressing problems than playdates.

What are you going to do to keep a roof over your head?

i really feel for you, but it sounds as if keeping friendships going is the last thing you should be worrying about at the moment as your other problems are much worse. some people are fair weather friends who only want to know you when times are good, the ones that matter are the ones that do care and will help you out , see if your okay and so on. i would like to think i would be in the latter category and not bothered with people have or dont have, but their well being is the important thing. just concentrate on yourself for now and trying to get back onto your feet with your finances and keeping warm. you will find out who your real friends are as well as the ones that matter will care and want to help. i am sorry this has happened though.

The friendship thing does seem like a red herring - surely the fact that you can't pay your mortgage and have no money at all coming in is the main issue here????

But if you want to focus on play dates - it won't be winter forever (although, admittedly, it feels like it at the moment). Spring is just around the corner so then you'll be able to take a thermos of coffee and go to the park with your friends. Until then, you'll have to hope they invite you round to theirs and explain that you'd reciprocate, but your house is freezing, so maybe when the weather warms up!

It's when life is really crap you find out who real friends are. I'm not poor but I almost died a few years ago. I really wasnt any fun at all for about two years and sometimes I'm still limited in what I can do. My God I found out who actually cared about me at that point.

My best friend and I were poor at the same time. We used to take walks together. Went to the market on saturday for cheap veg together. Had a cup of tea at home together snuggled under a blanket on the couch. Watched quizzes on tv together. Did board games together. Went to the library together. In summer took our own sandwiches and picknicked in the park together.

You don't need to spend money to do something together.

I agree, be open with friends. I would just buy my friend coffee if they were skint and went through a period where I needed to be the one who was paid for. The trick is to choose somewhere cheap and just stick to a tea or coffee (tea is usually cheaper). You soon work out who your friends are when you have no money.
We always like to treat friends if we are feeling flush. They are the friends who treated us when we were broke.

You can maintain friendships with phone calls, by meeting up in the park, by wandering round a free museum, etc, so I agree with a PP that 'being too poor for friends' is a bit of a red herring and an odd way to frame a post about the fact you can't pay bills.

I've got no heating in my house (can't afford it). My friends come but just keep their coats on. I make them a steaming cup of coffee and we chat - because real friends don't mind.

Don't push people away at the very time you need them most. People aren't nearly as judgemental in real life situations as they are on here in the abstract!

My house is permanently freezing and there's no way that I could afford to put the heating on all day, so I just layer up, wear old sheepskin boots as slippers and keep busy. I have rugs on the sofa for extra warmth and friends can share these too if they pop around during the day (central heating goes on after 4pm). My friends just accept this although I do put the gas fire on if anyone turns up. They also know to wear warm clothes if they visit me!
Honestly, your friends will not mind and should be supportive and understanding about your situation. Your money worries are probably skewing your view of the friendship aspect.
Good luck with extracting yourself from the financial crap OP, .

I have a friend in very difficult circumstances with no money. I see her regularly and take her out to lunch.

Don't be embarrassed to admit that you are broke. It is uncomfortable, but it's better to explain frankly why you can't see people, as opposed to make them you that you don't want to see them.

You are on the internet now, and frankly social media is your friend. You can keep in touch lightly during the worst months, and not feel so isolated. Your main priority must be to get back on your feet and earn money, concentrate on that, but things like Facebook, Instagram or even whatsapp are a great way not to disappear.

Please do not ever drive your car if you haven't got insurance. It really is not worth it.

Tell your friends how feel - that you want to maintain their friendship but worry you can't afford to heat the house etc. Any good friend will rise to the occasion and help out however they can. A friend of mine had no heating one particularly cold winter, she was here at my house A LOT. I was happy to help her and never expected anything 'in return', it's just what you do with friends.

It's true, being poor severely limits friendship opportunities. People will spout all sorts of stuff about being there for one another but in the end it's nonsense and you're on your own. You need money to host, to go out etc