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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP-sofa stain panic

92 replies

starlightafar · 28/02/2018 08:05

Hi please help!
My son has been pencilling on my cream sofa,
I thought the best way to deal with this was to use the eraser to rub it off.
The pink eraser has dyed the fabric.
What can I use which won't stain? It's on the arm as well so cannot turn cushion over.
Gutted. Everything nice I have the kids always break or ruin. Really fed up of it. Just want a nice house but they act like animals.

OP posts:
eggncress · 28/02/2018 10:30

They take you for granted. What about calling a family meeting and try to get the 2 oldest on your side ? Explain you are struggling on your own and can’t keep it up and need them to cooperate / help with the younger ones ? Appeal to their gentler nature.
From their reaction you will know whether you have to take more drastic action and restrict their gadgets/ internet. I have teens and that’s what hurts the most. Agree with pp you have been a very kind mum, trying to do the best for them and because there have been no boundaries they have taken the piss. Now is time to take back control but you have to be firm and do what you say otherwise they won’t believe you Flowers

eggncress · 28/02/2018 10:36

If they eat all the food in 2 days don’t buy more. Just give them beans on toast.
Buy less nice food anyway and say you are saving money to fix the damage they cause.Throw some responsibility their way ( not the 2 yr old obviously).You might see an attitude change after a couple of weeks but it will be tough at first.

ItsMeUsername · 28/02/2018 10:38

You can't have nice things when you have children. I dream of how my house will look when they've grown up and left! I have 4 too, so I feel your pain as my eldest also prefers to stare at his phone, over helping to clean up his own mess!

My habit for light coloured things doesn't help!

Original poster
starlightafar · 28/02/2018 10:39

Thank you.
You are right.
I have taken to hiding half the shop until the end of the week.
I have tried to block you tube on my internet. I can't get it on my laptop but they all can on tablets?!
Does anyone have any pearls of advice?!
Teen years are much harder than I imagined.

OP posts:
Original poster
starlightafar · 28/02/2018 10:43

It'sme that s' true.
It's so hard.
Something I need to fix is that when they break something that's theirs (one dropped a tablet in the bath, the other punched the screen and it smashed, and an ipod got left on the floor and also smashed, and a decent t shirt was lost at a friends. I feel the need to replace immediately as I want them to have nice things (was deprived as a child, proper poverty). That includes cupboard full of food and nice stuff. But it isn't working is it, just making them worse.

OP posts:
Qcumber · 28/02/2018 11:02

Aw OP you sound so nice. But too nice! They take you for granted. If they didn't have replacements given to them, they're going to look after their things much more. If they know they need to clean mess after eating/playing, they'll make less mess.
For the food, why don't you get them each a tin. At the start of the week give them all the same amount of treats. If they eat them in one day. Tough. They'll learn to make their treats last.
Being strict and disciplining them doesn't make you mean. It makes you a parent. And they'll appreciate it when they're older.
I'm glad I didn't have much as a child, I learnt how to look after my things. I learnt the value of money and how to budget. I don't think of my mum as cruel. She's amazing and so are you.
I think you're going to have to get tough. And things won't change overnight but if you stick with it, they will learn and change.
Do you have any friends local to you?

Beeziekn33ze · 28/02/2018 11:05

For reasons I shan’t explain including a cruel ex, I spoiled my DS as far as money allowed. He was very difficult from mid teens. Now adult he is loving but firm with his own kids and has told me I should have said ‘NO’ to him more often. One thing I didn’t do was rush to replace his things that were smashed by his carelessness or (allegedly) stolen by supposed friends.
You must have your own room or perhaps share with the toddler. Give your family more basic meals all week and keep special foods for weekends. They really don’t need snacks (if that’s what you’re having to hide). They could have pocket money for chores properly carried out to buy snacks.
Glad to see you’re getting help, feeling as you do helps no one, least of all yourself. You deserve better.

Beeziekn33ze · 28/02/2018 11:10

Starlight - A friend told me about parenting classes. are there any in your area? They not only helped me with ideas but it was such a relief to hear other parents describe their problems. I was beginning to think I was the only parent failing to cope with a teenage child, the loneliness and trying to pretend all was ok was terrible.

Original poster
starlightafar · 28/02/2018 11:59

Beez I did many when the oldest was young but another one was suggested to me at school last month. I felt very offended, have a professional job, but actually you may be right.
I do need a bedroom don't I. And yes, to easier eating.
Hi I love the tin thing of sweets/treats. Similarly I feel I need to make sure they ALWAYS have access to nice food (from a childhood of no nice food). None of us are overweight but it is too much.

So from this thread already, I will:

  1. Look into changing the bedrooms round (will take time as just decorated etc, but will drop it into conversation and get them used to the idea)
  2. Create a jobs plan for pocket money (I tunes cards would be great)
  3. Have individual tins for treats, crisps and biscuits. So once gone are gone.
  4. Sign up to the parenting courses.
I have come to realise that only I can change things, it seems overwhelming and I just want to hide in bed, but can't. Will it get better? Am overwhelmed with your kind ideas. Thank you.
OP posts:
eggncress · 28/02/2018 12:24

Good plan OP!
Stick to your guns and things will get better and your kids will not only love you but respect you too and you can all support each other going forward. You sound like a lovely person. Don’t allow people to take advantage of that.

Original poster
starlightafar · 28/02/2018 12:47

Thank you egg. I keep telling myself that.
I think I may arrange some lunches with friends soon as well.

OP posts:
LucyAutumn · 28/02/2018 13:11

Try vanish spray, I managed to get a very stubborn stain out with this recently- it had been haunting me for months!

Qcumber · 28/02/2018 18:32

Your plan sounds great. Believe in yourself. You're a great mum. If they kick off about the bedrooms don't give in or argue. This is a no discussion situation. You're telling them what is happening. They're children and you're the adult. They'll probably rebel at first but I have great memories of sharing a room with my sisters (until I moved out at 19!). It won't kill them to share.
I think pocket money for chores is a good idea. Make sure they know from now on broken does not equal replaced. They will have to buy replacements out of their pocket money. Give each chore a monetary value. When they want to buy something your house will be so clean!
Don't doubt yourself. You love them and they love you (even when they screaming about how you've ruined their lives Grin)

notapizzaeater · 28/02/2018 18:37

You can do this, just think how lovely it will be with your own space to escape to.

Make time for yourself and start laying down the law with your littlest

Chrys2017 · 28/02/2018 18:39

Would 14 and 13 yr boys not need privacy though?

No they do not! Not as much as you need your own space.

Sod the decorating and make the move soon.

Chrys2017 · 28/02/2018 18:41

Beware of the hiding food thing, though. My poor mum tried to do this and it became a game—if we could find it, it was ours! They will soon know where all the hiding places are.

Original poster
starlightafar · 28/02/2018 20:21

Well tonight said it all.
One took the salad off my plate at the dinner table while we were eating it, because he wanted it. The other grabbed a fruit salad tub on the side and went to open it, and I said no, it's mine, and she flounced off.
So I know action is needed. So I gave them a daily chore. The 10 yr old will clear dinner pots up and scrape rubbish into bin. Then load dishwasher. The 13 yr old will take clean pots out and put into cupboard. The 14 yr old will hoover round downstairs and when he gets up get out the breakfast pots.
The kitchen is the one which does my head in. So that's better. I said if they do their chore along with making their own beds and sorting out their schoolbags I will give them one pound a day in a jar each. Then on Friday they will have a fiver and can choose what to do.
Seemed happy.
I feel such a failure. I think its cos I know nobody will want me now after their horrible dad, so I put all my efforts into them having a better future.
Just psyching self up to see sister on skype, with her perfect and successful life. Glad for her but makes me feel crappy. Thanks so much for this support honestly it means a lot x

OP posts:
Original poster
starlightafar · 28/02/2018 20:22

And got some vanish fabric cleaner spray from the coop. 6 bloody quid. Better work!

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 28/02/2018 23:18

You're amazing - you've taken steps already! Good luck, remember we're here for you. 💐

Knittedfairies · 28/02/2018 23:33

That's a great start Starlight! You do need a room of your own pdq - I wouldn’t worry about the decor not being quite right.. If the £6 Vanish doesn’t work, put a throw or a blanket over the mark.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/02/2018 23:55

Can you afford £15 per week for them to be doing a tiny job each? Seems mad to me.

Definitely get the bedrooms sorted and issue some very hard hitting consequences of treating you like crap. Be strong.

Original poster
starlightafar · 01/03/2018 08:08

Thank you Beez.
Annie I know it's a lot and that it's only a small thing but they are spoilt anyway to be honest and that's my own fault.
It isn't just for those things, they will be making beds and tidying their rooms. And also stuff like making their own lunches and getting dressed without being reminded etc. I have cut their tablet time to 2 hours but that is much less than it was, they were sat watching them every mealtime too.
I have totally let everything go.
So yes it's a lot but I buy loads of sweets, little toys etc anyway, so not really a difference from before, but they are earning it.
Thank you all. It takes so much energy to be strong with them but I will start small.

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 01/03/2018 08:11

Teach your children to behave

Original poster
starlightafar · 01/03/2018 09:03

I'm trying What. It's really hard.

OP posts:
eggncress · 01/03/2018 10:04

Well done OP you have made a start. Try get the rooms sorted next Flowers