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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry about this man

56 replies

AdaBoom · 27/02/2018 23:07

Name changed as this is quite weird, please bear with me:

I've known him, (let's call him John) for quite a few years and never had any reason to think he had a family: think lonely Christmases, etc., he always works, including weekends and bank holidays, lives alone.

After DH and I started chatting with John/seeing more of him, he told us about his wife, who is from another country and lives about 3 hours away, they don't have children. Nice to know he's not on his own. So far so great.

Except that the more we get to know John and the more he talks to us, the louder alarm bells are ringing; basically we can no longer ignore the fact that his wife sounds like a textbook scammer.

AIBU to ask WWYD?

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Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 00:33

Regga it really doesn't, does it? He is the sweetest man, very old fashioned and gentle. He is not stupid at all but he doesn't strike me as completely at one with the age iyswim

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mathanxiety · 28/02/2018 00:34

Is he vulnerable in any way? Aspergers?

How wide is his circle of friends?

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 00:34

LanguidLobster Yes I know for fact that he does. Very regularly.
Which is the only thing that I find reassuring.

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adayatthebeach · 28/02/2018 00:35

That poor man he sure is trusting. I’m not sure how I’d advise him except he needs to confirm that man is her brother!

mathanxiety · 28/02/2018 00:37

Did he and the 'wife' get married in the same church as the thing where they met?

Was he always involved with this church or was it a once off visit on his part?

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 00:38

mathanxiety He looks to me as if he might be high functioning 'something' but he is not of a generation that were diagnosed.
He doesn't have any friends that I know of and no family.

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Bowerbird5 · 28/02/2018 00:41

Yes, alarm bells ringing. May not be her brother either! Part of the scam. If he is vulnerable then SS or police?

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 00:46

adaya I know, but I haven't worked myself up to the point of asking him that - he is very reserved and I don't want to shock him or for him to think that I am a little mad and stop sharing.

mathanxiety I don't know anything about the exact circumstances. I think it's the church he goes to when he visits her, which is far and between. Otherwise he goes to church where he lives.

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LanguidLobster · 28/02/2018 00:50

How did he end up at her church if he works such long hours and it's 3 hours away?

Sorry, I'm all q's on this thread Grin

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 00:51

Bowerbird This is it. He is not a 'modern man' but he certainly wouldn't be on an at risk register. Maybe I should talk to SS or the police and they could advise anyway?

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mathanxiety · 28/02/2018 00:53

Is her church a mainstream denomination?

Is his normal church a mainstream denomination?

mathanxiety · 28/02/2018 00:56

If his normal church is a recognised denomination, maybe approach his clergyman? They might be interested to know of his marriage for parish records, might know him for a while...

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 00:56

LanguidLobster I don't know! He is always at work but never misses church! As in ' Oh Hello John, it's Easter and you're at work!' - 'Yes but I asked them for my shift to start later so I could go to church' Smile

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Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 00:58

mathanxiety Yes good idea - I don't know about her church, but his church is mainstream - it has to be around here.

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Echobelly · 28/02/2018 01:01

Yeah, that sounds very fishy.

Maybe the best thing you can do at the moment is keep in touch with him, try to find out if she has started to ask for more from him (I bet she will) like money for 'family emergencies' etc - perhaps by asking how her family is. Wait for the litany of sick grandmas, legal bills, cousins who need a ticket to fly to the UK or elsewhere etc. It will be hard to disentangle him from her if she's up to something and you may not be able to do more than pick up the pieces afterwards, but so be it.

GrockleBocs · 28/02/2018 01:02

It does sound like her 'brother'. Yes sounds like he's been set up. Can you ask for her address to send an Easter card and speak to the Home Office. A surprise visit would expect to find 2 beds occupied...

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 01:06

Thank you mathanxiety the church here will know him, and will have known him for ever.
The trouble is they won't know me and will probably think I am a strange busybody, but it is worth a try.
This is a bit like watching a slow motion train crash> I do wonder if these things happen all the time and people wonder, and do nothing.

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tumblrpigeon · 28/02/2018 01:06

Yes I’d be worried for my friend in your shoes too .

Yes to home office .

Good on you for caring

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 01:13

Yes Echobelly I am worried that he might end up with nothing, having work so hard all his life, but if I was telling him exactly what I think, he would stop sharing things with DH and I.
He seems reasonably happy, btw, he never complains or anything, it's just things that we've picked up.

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Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 01:17

Sorry if I am a bit dense but if the Home Office intervened, they wouldn't tell John about 2 in a bed would they? (if it is the case) And she might then need money for her 'brother's' legal bills?
I really do not believe he is her brother, but I only have my cynical mind to go by.

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LanguidLobster · 28/02/2018 01:24

No, they'd approach her first. It might be the case that she's married already.

Was she working over here when they met? Do you know her status within the uk before they married?

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 01:34

LanguidLobster Nope, I don't know any of it.
So I get in touch with the Home Office and tell them what I know? What if all his money disappear overnight?
At the moment it seems that she is happy to milk him slowly.
Really don't know what to do.

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Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 01:38

I think that if I could get the ear of his priest, and if they knew what to say to him it might make him start to think.

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LanguidLobster · 28/02/2018 01:40

Sounds like a plan. There's no harm in speaking to home office enquiries to ask their advice.

You want to keep his trust. Good luck!

Original poster
AdaBoom · 28/02/2018 01:43

Thank you!

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