To ask cycling widows how they cope?

[KingDavos]

Just that really. DH goes cycling at least one whole day per weekend and if he’s training for an event it’ll be both days. I’m left at home looking after two under 5s with no family support nearby.

He says it’s his hobby and he works hard all week and deserves to do what he loves, but it doesn’t feel very fair. I’ve asked him to cut down but it never seems to happen. How do other cycling widows cope with being left on their own all the time?

And to people quibbling about the use of the word "widow"- golf widow, football widow, other sports widow are well-established, widely-used terms. Look it up.

My point wasn't that it's not a recognisable phrase. It's that it is offensive and incorrect, hence it being frequently challenged.

OP - Have you told your (very much alive) husband that it is unfair and selfish of him to duck out of parenting for half of every weekend?

My partner has always cycled. Before kids he would go out 2 evenings a week and a half day on a Sunday, back by 12.30. Occasional all day rides . Since having our daughter he does the same basic schedule but reduced. So one evening he goes out for a couple of hours and doesn't do bedtime, the other evening he does bedtime then goes out. On a Sunday he gets up an hour earlier and is back by 11/11.30. I have no resentment of this amount of time and now our daughter is 5yrs wouldn't mind if he was out a bit longer in evenings, but he enjoys family time and feels he is doing enough for his health.
You need to tell your dh exactly what the problem is and ask him to come up with a plan to reduce the weekend amount. Can he go out one evening a week and just do the half weekend day?

I did not mean to cause offence with the term ‘widow’ so apologies if I have.

I have complained about it but previously I don’t think I have conveyed strongly enough how unfair it is and how tough I find it being on my own all the time. We are in the process of trying to find a compromise but I get the impression he still thinks he’s doing nothing wrong. He compares it to other guys who do cricket or go to watch their football team every week and says it’s his passion.

thanks for the schedule.
It would help to explain which kind of cycling he does. And Is he doing event training, with a club, or on his own. If he's just a time trialer, he could be out the door by 7am & back by 11am (that's almost 100 miles if he's fast) , clean his bike in evening after the kids are in bed (my husband does this, as well as cooking our tea). So you'd have the whole afternoon for family outing, which is plenty with small kids.

I could also imagine asking him to keep his training to one day per weekend, and every other weekend ask him to be back by noon or even 11am. He doesn't need to tea-stop with the club but come straight back.

Different set of challenges if he's triathoning, road racing or cycloXing, because then he's tied to event schedules. But even cycloX is only every 3 wks or so (season just finished, actually; and triathlon training could be done 6am-10am for that matter).

-Yours Faithfully whose husband just left to ride 5 miles in the snow to the coast and I'm only a little jealous I will take boys for a walk instead

ps: I honestly think if you went on BikeRadar you'd get a lot of sympathy & also practical comments from men who have learnt better how to juggle family life & their hobby.

For us it was resolved when I very nearly became a widow when my dh was involved in a very serious accident and his bike was wrecked. Very scary all around.

However, dh eventually just moved to another sport and now during that season he is out all day one or both days every weekend. My dc are older so it's not so stressful but this has been going on with one obsession or another since way pre-kids. I now think that it is sad he is missing out on seeing them (especially from their pov) but it's his choice. We have fun without him and he does try to make chunks of time for them at other times. Ultimately, if he doesn't want to be there and would rather be doing sport, then it will not be enjoyable, valuable time. I would rather he goes and gets the stress out of his system.

pps: thinking harder... my husband gave up competitive cycling when we had only small children at home. Focused on DIY for ~8 yrs instead. Mine's enough of a homebird that he didn't really fancy cycling with so much demand at home. Lots of commuter cycling instead. I don't think he did any events really until our youngest was at least 2yo.

Fair enough, OP.

He compares his selfishness to the selfishness of other men, and therefore it's okay? Yikes.
Loads of adults with small children have no choice but to sacrifice time consuming hobbies passions. Probably most. He must know that, deep down?

I'm the fitness fanatic in the Poof Shazam house, I just changed my routine post DS - I do all my running/cycling/gym at 6am while DH and DS are still in bed, that way it doesn't eat into family time.

I will occasionally do a long run on a weekend but usually this is if the weathers crap and DH and DS have decided they're having a sofa day.

If I want to do a long cycle DS comes with me.

My DH gets up early on Sunday so he can get a cycle in before we do family stuff.

He has a turbo trainer and uses Zwift on weeknights. When the weather improves he's resume cycling to work.

At weekends we identify somewhere nearby to go for a family day out. I drive with the kids and he works out a route and meets us there. Works for us.