Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask cycling widows how they cope?

60 replies

KingDavos · 27/02/2018 18:42

Just that really. DH goes cycling at least one whole day per weekend and if he’s training for an event it’ll be both days. I’m left at home looking after two under 5s with no family support nearby.

He says it’s his hobby and he works hard all week and deserves to do what he loves, but it doesn’t feel very fair. I’ve asked him to cut down but it never seems to happen. How do other cycling widows cope with being left on their own all the time?

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 27/02/2018 20:32

I have a friend whose husband does iron man competitions. He does all his training in early hours of the morning, has to be home, showered and ready to do family stuff (or ferrying children to activities) by 10am at weekends

Phineyj · 27/02/2018 20:33

YY to a turbo trainer.

DH was a very keen cyclist when we met. I said he could do 1 day of 2 on a weekend and 2 days of 3 on a bank holiday. I also got a cleaner and split the costs with him as I used to find myself cleaning the house while he was out cycling.

Since we have had DD he doesn't cycle much, but then I don't get to do my hobbies much either. We do divvy up what time we have and try to be really fair.

I don't know if cycling tends to attract selfish people or if selfish people tend to take up cycling, but you do hear this story a heck of a lot on here (disclaimer: I don't know many runners or golfists so I probably notice the cycling posts more).

YANBU for thinking this is fishy but YABU for the actual question you asked, as it's not about coping, it's about fairness and this isn't!

SweetheartNeckline · 27/02/2018 20:34

See I always read the solutions on here for the woman (for it is always the man who is so selfish, self important and self absorbed that his entire life continues unfettered by children. ..) to get an equivalent time consuming hobby, meaning that no one gets time as a family unit, there are no gently pottering about Sundays. OP isn't saying she wants a hobby of her own - she doesn't want to be "left on [her] own all the time".

Your DH is unreasonable. There is a balance to be struck and his is wildly off. He needs to understand the resentment and the need for time to just "be" together and a break from being outnumbered.

I have a feeling that with two kids under 5 you are working bloody hard too.

KERALA1 · 27/02/2018 20:36

That is totally shockingly unfair. Dh is a notorious mental road bike cyclist, so do empathise.

Leaving one parent for long periods with pre schoolers is not the behaviour of a good father.

Dh only ramped up the cycling when youngest at school and kids could amuse themselves. Fortunately for him we have easy biddable girls who love reading so being left with them very different to toddlers. He cycles to and from work so the dead time commuting is his cycling time. He gets up at 6am at weekends to ride to ensure he is back by 11. Both girls have Saturday morning activities so he is here when they are. I work flexibly so take guilt free exercise time in the week so I don't resent him going off on a Saturday.

He has cycling weekends away with friends but no more than weekends I have away with my friends. Most of the serious cyclists in his club are child free youngsters or older dads with teens / retired. Not men at your dh stage Hmm

Runzilla · 27/02/2018 20:39

I understand your point, but the word widow packs quite a punch, and you might want to re-think your phrasing.

FlaviaAlbia · 27/02/2018 20:48

DH and I both cycle and we split it, DH gets one morning at the weekend, I get the other and we get one night a week each for training rides. We have the weekend afternoons for family time. If there's something special we want to do then we'll skip the cycling.

I'm not cycling at the minute because I'm pregnant and DH isn't doing much as he's spending the time with DS instead to let me rest so the only cycling he's really getting is in and out to work.

Family first and then cycling really.

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/02/2018 22:20

DP is two times ExBritish Champion cyclist who now works a high level in another sport. I knew this when I meet him, in fact he turned down the first option I gave him for a date as he was cycling.
But now we are together he does his fair share of teenage taxi service, the turbo trainer gets a lot of use and he has a travelling bikes so he puts in a lot of miles when he is away with work.

glueandstick · 27/02/2018 22:36

I look at the weather forecast and inwardly smile when I see it being very inclement. His choice ;)

StillMedusa · 27/02/2018 22:49

My Dh is a cyclist, and has now added serious Kayaking training to the mix. He trains saturdays, cycles every day and has a heap of events throughout the year. It does wear me down, but our kids are grown up and only one is dependent on us (disabled) so it's not too bad.

My hobby is home based (guitar) so we don't have equal time out but he suggested that I went travelling with DD2 for 7 weeks last year...which pretty much equalled his events !

I guess in another 10 years I'll get to escape again!

But your dh needs to step up...when the kids are little, hobbies come second!

Original poster
KingDavos · 28/02/2018 05:16

He does have a turbo trainer and goes on that a couple of times a week.

As I only work part time I think he sees that as me having more free time when in reality I spend that time doing housework, chores, childcare, etc.

I sometimes go out with friends at weekends but probably only once a month if that. I have absolutely no desire to take up cycling myself and I don’t really want to do a hobby myself at the weekend as I’d rather spend the time with my family, but ALL of us.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 28/02/2018 05:26

I know it's easy for me saying it, not being in that situation, but I honestly think I'd leave. I would be so hugely resentful of being left all the shit all weekend that I don't see how the marriage would work.

Are you not fuming, constantly?

HuskyMcClusky · 28/02/2018 05:50

I’d cope by reversing over his bike.

Not really, but...cycling widow? Ffs.

ragged · 28/02/2018 06:04

What does "whole day" mean?
Is it ironman, travel to a venue that is 3 hrs drive away each way? What else would require 'whole day'?
DH sometimes needs 9 hrs if he & DS go to an event 1-2 hrs drive away.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/02/2018 06:04

DH goes out early, back by lunchtime. Would that be possible.

acornsandnuts · 28/02/2018 06:09

Would he sit down with you and listen if you explained how unfair it is. I had this with my DH years ago and watched as a good few his band of merry cyclists became single as their wife’s and girlfriends would no longer put up with them.

DH stopped went out one day on a weekend and was out by 6am and back around 11. Our DCs are now teens but he still just goes out one day as we still do things as a family or a couple or house stuff on the other. He still turbo trains most nights but that has no impact on us what so ever so he can crack on.

You need to be firm he is been incredibly unfair and you will resent it over time. Ask him to imagine the tables were turned how would he feel?

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/02/2018 06:09

I wouldn’t put up with this. Your dh is not being fair to you at all. How dare he unilaterally decide to leave you alone for the entire day with 2 small children because of what he needs. How about you? I agree with a pp, throw (or as she did threaten to throw) his bikes in the canal.

Bettyfood · 28/02/2018 06:13

One entire day? I couldn't put up with it with children at that age unless I also got the same time off in a week.

Twooter · 28/02/2018 06:13

It gets better when the kids are a little bit older, as then you can have fun with them rather than having to be entertaining them. He’ll also have to give up some of his activities as you’ll find they’ll want to be in different places and will become more vocal about it.
Anyway, it’s his loss - my oldest dc really resent my dh for the time and devotion he spent Cycling, and is far closer to me as a result.

GemmaB78 · 28/02/2018 06:15

We both had our time-intensive sports pre-child (cycling and running for DH, horse riding and running for me). We have both cut back significantly on the amount of time we spend. We ringfence Saturday as our family time. Sunday we both tag-team. And the rest of the time we either get up ridiculously early to squeeze in a ride or negotiate. For competitions, we sit down with a calendar and figure out who's doing what when. Luckily our toddler is quite happy mooching around at bike races or endurance rides! Compromise and working as a team.

Shoxfordian · 28/02/2018 06:17

He's selfish
His priorities should have changed when he became a father

Am I right in guessing you do everything at home as well op? He needs to start contributing.

Bettyfood · 28/02/2018 06:21

And to people quibbling about the use of the word "widow"- golf widow, football widow, other sports widow are well-established, widely-used terms. Look it up.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 28/02/2018 06:33

My DP has started cycling to and from work most days (partially off road - on a cross bike) in order to incorporate training into his daily routine, rather than having to do it after work. He also has a smart trainer in the summerhouse (I have his rubbish old turbo but there’s no point upgrading whilst I’m pregnant!). He probably still does a three or four hour ride on a road bike, one day of the weekend, if not both but when it starts to get lighter earlier, he’ll be going out earlier in the mornings. He’s probably training 15 hours per week at the moment (better than the 20 hours I’m used to him doing in Ironman training blocks!) and it honestly doesn’t affect me that much. Baby isn’t here yet but I can see this being easily sustainable when s/he is. He largely works around me. If he knows he needs to be around the house or we have plans, he’ll split a long ride into two shorter ones or whatever. It helped s that he could do all his training in the summerhouse if needed!

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 28/02/2018 06:34

And just to add - he does 90% of the housework as I have hyperemesis.

RemainOptimistic · 28/02/2018 06:51

As I only work part time I think he sees that as me having more free time when in reality I spend that time doing housework, chores, childcare, etc.

You wrote I think - so you haven't talked to him about it?

The onus is not on you to cope with his opting out of his responsibilities as a father and partner!

Start by writing a list of everything you do on your days "off" and how your time is spent. Show him.

Then stop doing all chores on your days off. Go out of the house with DC or stay in and do activities etc.

Not suggesting that you spend the other weekend day away from family long term, it's a short term measure to get him to engage with reality. Talking can only help if the other person is willing to listen, which so far it sounds like he's not.

Original poster
KingDavos · 28/02/2018 10:54

When I say whole day, he might go cycling 8 - 2 then will have something to eat, have a shower and get ready and clean the bike. Sometimes he also wants a rest. Basically he’s not ready to do anything until gone 3 and as the kids eat at 5 that doesn’t leave a lot of time.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread