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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse DD sleepover at DM's who smokes indoors?

59 replies

blondebuddha · 27/02/2018 18:01

Title says it all really.
DD is 3.
Mum smokes 40+ a day indoors in all rooms. I'm one of those dreaded 'reformed smokers' who now hates the smell of cigs so as you can imagine it causes abit of tension when I take the kids up and we come back stinking. My partner knows when we've been up to see her without asking.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:

MashLover · 27/02/2018 18:03

I'm the same. I know many will say we abu but I don't care. My kids aren't allowed in mils house because she smokes in the house.

Any chance your mum would not smoke for 12 hours before they come and smoke outside while she has them?

Obviously she has every right to say no but worth a try?

ClareB83 · 27/02/2018 18:06

YANBU. I wouldn't even have them in the same room as her while she smokes, never mind leaving them overnight.

My parents were smokers when I was little but they still didn't smoke in the house, it's just common sense not to stink up and stain your home or poison your (grand)children.

Cleanermaidcook · 27/02/2018 18:06

Mine would not be staying over either, in fact if she was smoking in the same room as them I'd stop visiting altogether.

Original poster

blondebuddha · 27/02/2018 18:08

Not a chance in hell she'd not smoke beforehand or during. She can't be trusted to even smoke outside when she comes to my house, I have to ask her every time to go right out the door and close it behind her otherwise she's hovering on the step blowing it inside.
She definitely can't be trusted to smoke outdoors overnight unsupervised, she'd just do it anyway and lie to me.
Therein lies my problem, her house her rules! I feel like I have no right to ask her not to, even though it's detrimental to my children's health.
My 2 month old hasn't been up there yet as I don't want him round it and she's starting to ask questions. She's likely to blow her top if I say it's because she smokes!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2018 18:08

Stand firm. Sending your children to stay with a person who smokes around them is totally irresponsible, and you're setting a good example for your children that smoking is dangerous and vile.

ElephantsYeah · 27/02/2018 18:11

YANBU. I smoke but never inside and never in front of my ds. I don't smoke in my car either. I'd love to stop but I've got some stress at the moment so will when I'm in a better place emotionally.

Cornettoninja · 27/02/2018 18:12

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but she's going to have to blow her top then.

I'm another former smoker (still a sneaky one here and there at work if I'm being honest) with a parent who spends an eye watering amount on cigarettes and I just had to be honest and say I didn't want her round it. It's just that simple.

Lots of alternative offers of places to meet but I had to stand firm on it unless it was summer and we could all be outside.

Hotdoggity · 27/02/2018 18:12

YANBU. And to blow her top because you don’t want carcinogenics blown at your kids is just nuts. She should be safeguarding them too.

Ellendegeneres · 27/02/2018 18:12

No and I’d be honest and say I’m not prepared to risk my child’s health with you smoking there. And I’d also not go there because she’s smoking indoors while you’re there which again, is a massive issue.
I’d be prepared to fight this one, and fall out over it if she took offence. Never even think about compromise when it comes to the health and well-being of your kids.

Jon66 · 27/02/2018 18:13

Absolutely right that your children should not be exposed to cigarette smoke at any age. Sadly I would decline to visit and have her over to yours where you can control the environment while she is around. I would also explain why. I gave up a 40 a day habit 15 years ago and cannot stand the smell.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 27/02/2018 18:15

Not a cat in hells chance I would send my child to sleep in the house of a heavy smoker who smokes indoors.

Blackteadrinker77 · 27/02/2018 18:18

I wouldn't ever take a child in to a house where people smoke.

DeathStare · 27/02/2018 18:18

Not unreasonable because I wouldn't let my DC sleep there either. However I do think you are a bit of a hypocrite given that you take already let them spend time there and they come back smelling of smoke. Personally I wouldn't be letting them spend any prolonged time there at all.

stitchglitched · 27/02/2018 18:20

I wouldn't even have my children in her house.

Iooselipssinkships · 27/02/2018 18:20

I was brought up with two smokers. I'm alright so far. No health problems, no asthma, no cancer. Just a massive love for Marlboro reds. YANBU at all but smokers always seem to get a bad rep on here. I know people find it disgusting, just like I find alcohol repulsive however I don't go out of my way to discuss how vile it is, people can make their own choices. Do you worry this much about car pollution? No one minds their children breathing that shit in though because it's a convenience.

Parky04 · 27/02/2018 18:20

Yep her house her rules but It doesn't mean you have to visit. No way would I visit and put my kids health at risk.

expatinspain · 27/02/2018 18:24

But looselips, you can't avoid your kids breathing in traffic fumes. You can avoid them breathing in second hand smoke in someone's house. Who even smokes in their house around kids anymore? I thought that went out in the 80's! I say this as a smoker btw.

DalekDalekDalek · 27/02/2018 18:27

YANBU, if she wants your DD to stay than she can make the effort to smoke outside.

Thelampshadelady · 27/02/2018 18:27

Yanbu. Might be her house, her rules, but your children, your rules. If she doesn’t like the fact you haven’t taken your 2 month old it’s tough really.

Original poster

blondebuddha · 27/02/2018 18:32

Was about to reply the same as pp, I can't control them breathing car fumes but I can control them breathing in second hand smoke from someone close by.

I full agree with those of you calling me a hypocrite for taking my daughter up to visit too I will accept that criticism. However to stand up for myself a little bit (shame me if you like) she is my mum at the end of the day I had to visit her. I can't actually remember the last time I went up there though, it's a while ago because the smoking got too much for me while pregnant for the best part of last year.

Also, I'm not giving any smoker a bad rep, I have a sneaky one now and again but never round my kids, never indoors, never in the car. As I said I was a 20+ a day smoker and I know what it's like to enjoy a cig so I judge no one. I didn't post to shame smokers, I've posted to ask for advice and thoughts on how I can deal with this efficiently with least amount of family feuding as possible.

OP posts:

TheLastMermaid · 27/02/2018 18:34

Look up third degree smoke.

It's not just about breathing it in (2nd degree) , although obvs that's worse, but sleeping on mattresses impregnated by carcinogenic substances, soft furnishings, bedding etc. My parents no longer smoke indoors but I still won't agree to DCs staying over there, for all these reasons - rolling around on their smoky carpet, napping with their little faces breathing in whatever's seeped into their sofa padding, throws, cushions etc. Others can disagree but I'm not prepared to expose my precious DCs to unnecessary risk. Do whatever you feel you need to do. They might not like it but they'll get over it.

knowsmorethansnow · 27/02/2018 18:42

I wouldn’t take my children to her house at all. Can you not meet her somewhere else.

Booboostwo · 27/02/2018 18:53

What right does she have to blow her top? Her smoking is carcinogenic and she is happy to do it around her grandchildren! Who in their right mind would think that was OK?

Klarabing · 27/02/2018 18:58

I dont visit my gran any more with my dc as my gran my 2 aunties and one uncle all smoke in the house when they visit and its awful. I know they talk about me for not visiting but will not expose my kids to that!

Floralnomad · 27/02/2018 18:59

Definitely not , in fact I’d keep visits really short . I’m in my early 50s and was diagnosed with widespread emphysema last year , I’ve never smoked but my dad was on 40 a day when I was growing up , smoked in the house and car and my Nan had a smoky pub where we spent a lot of time as well . I’ve never frequented pubs/ clubs as an adult so my childhood exposure seems to be the only explanation .

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