AIBU to refuse DD sleepover at DM's who smokes indoors?

[blondebuddha]

Title says it all really.
DD is 3.
Mum smokes 40+ a day indoors in all rooms. I'm one of those dreaded 'reformed smokers' who now hates the smell of cigs so as you can imagine it causes abit of tension when I take the kids up and we come back stinking. My partner knows when we've been up to see her without asking.
Any suggestions?

Stand firm. Do not allow your daughter to breathe in that stuff.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think you have any options here - but your DM does.

The only thing you can do is be honest with your DM.

It's not really a "negotiation"'is it.

Upshot is she needs to make a choice between access to her GC and her attitude cigarettes.

It's not even that you need to ask her to stop, but it's not unreasonable to insist on her smoking outside whilst visiting you (and waiting/washing/clothing change before handling a baby or cuddling a toddler).

Re: her house her rules, yes. However if her rules are contrary to the heath of your children then the ramifications are you don't visit. You certainly don't them stay overnight.

Can you buy her some nicotine patches to wear whilst visiting you? They do take the edge off.

If she realises she can use aids like these it might help.

But ultimately, I can't see how you can maintain a balance here. You will have to lay it on the line at some point so imho you might as well set your boundaries out sooner rather than later.

I was brought up with two smokers. I'm alright so far.

Lucky you. I've got asthma and my dad's dead from lung cancer.

Don't do it. Your DD might resent her for it when shes older.
I'm 28, and when i was a child my parents only childcare option during school holidays, both half terms and the 6 weeks in summer, was for me and sister to go to my paternal grandparents.

My grandmother chain smoked CONSTANTLY.

The entire drive to her home she was smoking with the window barely cracked. All day the entire 9-5 she was smoking. As soon as one was finished, the next was lit, all day every day, with me sitting on the sofa right beside her. Then the drive back again, smoking the whole time.

Now i'm older and understand the risks im LIVID at how much smoke and therefore carcinogens i've inhaled due to her selfishness, and what damage it may have done or may still do to my health.

I should mention my mum was a 5 or so a day smoker herself until i was 9 or 10 but NEVER in the house or around us. When i was 20, 10 years after she quit, she was diagnosed with secondary brain cancer that originated as undiagnosed smoking related lung cancer. She died 2 months later, in the exact same way her dad before her (my maternal grandfather) died, from the secondary brain cancer that started as smoking related lung cancer.

I'm paranoid of dying the same way, that there is a pattern with my mum and grandad and the damage done from her smoke could develop into cancer years later just like it snuck up on my mum.

I don't blame my parents, it was their only option to send us to her, but she chose her own habit over the health of her young grandchildren, and i HATE her for it. We didnt speak for years, she was diagnosed terminal 2 days before my mum was but hers wasn't in her brain so she got 18 months compared to my mums 2, which felt so unfair. My mum passed at just 48, and i cant stop myself deducting my current age from my mums and wondering if thats all i have left, if smoking related cancer will take me too despite me never willingly having ever actually put one in my mouth. I'll panic about getting it til the day i die, and i'll never forgive her for that.

YANBU. I would not even be going to visit the house at all, hard as that is.

I lost DF last year to a cancer (not lung cancer) which the consultant said was most likely caused by growing up in a house with smoker parents. No child of mine nor I will ever be spending any time indoors where someone smokes or has been smoking.

As a child of the 80's all of my family smoked indoors and in cars. I hated it. Especially in cars. My nana would refuse to open her window and insist we opened ours - which of course sucked the smoke towards us. But her car her rules apparently.

You need to advocate for your children and keep them away from smoke. If she blows her top so be it. I would be clear why you don't visit and why there will never be over night visits.

I wouldn't visit the house of a heavy smoker.
If she wants to see your children, she needs to come to your smoke free house herself

I smoke, I always go outside or in the garage. There's no way I'd smoke inside, never mind with children present, YANBU

I wouldn’t take children to a house where somebody smoked. I wouldn’t have children in the presence of a smoker. I wouldn’t sit and eat or have a drink with a smoker and wouldn’t expect children to have to tolerate the smell.
I wouldn’t want to normalise smoking in any way and I’d never trust an addict.