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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be honest about my views on this nanny?

46 replies

goingagain · 27/02/2018 13:29

When heavily pregnant with #4 I interviewed a live in nanny which I found via a recommendation on a local mother’s FB group. She started in the new year. Within a couple of days I knew it was a mistake and she wasn’t the right fit for us. The baby arrived a few days later and a few days after that we told her it wasn’t working for us. We hadn’t found a replacement but agreed to give her at least two weeks notice (which was notice period for first three months as per the contract though we never signed this as she hadn’t given it back to me by the time we said it wasn’t working). She asked me if I would post in the same FB group that she was looking for a job. I didn’t want to do this tbh but agreed. I posted but it was very factual, saying she was available etc, but did not recommend / give any view on her performance in the post.

We since gave her two weeks notice as agreed - not because we have found someone else but because I just can’t stand to have her around any more.

Over the course of the last couple of weeks various mothers (very local group) have contacted me to ask what I thought of her and would I recommend.

I feel like I have to be honest and say no - and give reasons of course - I am not sure what else I can say? I have in each case suggested they meet her themselves / have a trial.

AIBU to respond like this? Obviously mothers contacting me through the group are v local and want another mother’s recommendation... I wish I had never agreed to post for her now! What is the etiquette with references for a nanny you don’t rate? I have employed two other nannies in six years and they were both amazing so have never had to deal with this before.

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 27/02/2018 13:34

It all sounds very subjective and what you didn’t like about her someone else might find ideal. I think I would stick to the facts and hope she finds further employment through other channels.

T2517 · 27/02/2018 13:34

From a nanny’s perspective, I would expect the reasons you give to be relevant - did she make any bad mistakes, discipline the children in a way you didn’t like, treat your home badly? If it’s just a difference in personalities, focus on the things she did well and say why you feel she didn’t gel. Don’t be negative completely unless you genuinely feel like she shouldn’t be working with kids at all and is unsuitable to be a nanny (then obviously tell them this outright!)

DeathStare · 27/02/2018 13:36

I think it depends what your actual reasons for getting rid of her were. So far all you have said is that she wasn't the right fit for your family, which is very vague.

If, for example, it was that she was very organised whereas your family is very laid back, then I think this is pretty unreasonable.

If there was a problem with her care of the children then it seems fair.

I guess what I'm saying is, was there an actual problem with her work? Or did she just not fit well with your family?

KungFuEric · 27/02/2018 13:39

I think I'd just be cage and say you weren't a good fit for one another and suggest they interview/trial for themselves.

Unless you have any legitimate causes for concern in her work.

Original poster

goingagain · 27/02/2018 13:45

So I sort of don’t think she is suited to be a nanny... but that may just be subjective.

For context the things I didn’t like included her manner with the children (just not fun, no imagination with activities, to the extent of just getting out the same toys - we have a playroom full!), very slow at doing things which meant for example always late into the bath because she is so slow tidying up after tea (I am doing bath time for 3 with newborn on boob as a result), the way she talks to the children, ironing is awful (she is supposed to look after children’s clothes and a lot of what she puts in their drawers is so creased it is unwearable), no imagination re food so makes the same five things on loop despite my suggesting alternate recipes.

This could all be subjective and I realise other families might find her ok but when they ask ‘were you happy with her?’ or ‘were you happy with her work?’ the honest answer is no!

I was worried I was massively hormonal but I have asked my husband, cleaning lady, mother in law, nanny of friend and my aunt and they all say she is not very nice to be around which is harsh but strange they have all said the same thing. My cleaning lady told me the other day that she had told her to take a shower because she had really bad BO I have not noticed this tbh as I have had an awful cold but my husband said the same. Obviously I would not pass this on to anyone asking for a reference but what I am saying is I really can’t think of a single thing I would say she does ‘well’...

OP posts:

RadioGaGoo · 27/02/2018 13:47

Your cleaning lady is pretty rude.

Original poster

goingagain · 27/02/2018 13:48

KungFuEric - that is exactly what I have done so far, save where they have asked specific questions about eg her cooking / how she plays with the children where I have remained cagey but elaborated a bit more.

All the enquiries I am getting are as a result of the post in the FB group. I asked her how she is getting on with agencies (she said she was going to register with some) and she said they are bad at getting back to her - so I think it is maybe not just me who has picked up on things.

Her last day is tomorrow thankfully.

OP posts:

beepthemeep · 27/02/2018 13:49

You're best just to keep it factual. "She worked for us for x weeks, x days a week." You can't get in trouble for that, but anyone will read between those lines. Otherwise it's a small world and any of the mothers could tell her what you said.

Pseudousername · 27/02/2018 13:51

Just say that you were not a good fit and you are not in a position to comment any further.

Pseudousername · 27/02/2018 13:51

And delete your FB post.

Original poster

goingagain · 27/02/2018 13:52

Yes I was a bit surprised when she told me tbh as our cleaning lady is literally the nicest person ever - but she told me it was really bad and told the nanny that she can’t look after the children smelling like that. Not sure what to make of it tbh!

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 27/02/2018 13:52

To be honest it sounds like you have very high standards abs she didn’t really do anything too terrible.

Original poster

goingagain · 27/02/2018 13:52

I can’t delete the post, have tried... maybe have to get group admin to do it

OP posts:

7even · 27/02/2018 13:53

Just say "no, I couldn't [recommend her]" and also remove the advert.

I also think you should woman up and tell this lady why you're getting rid of her. Constructive criticism. It might be uncomfortable but it's a great thing for her.

We've had 3 nannies for our 2 children (now 6 and 4). We've still got #3. Only let #1 go as we moved away. #2 was pretty shit for similar reasons to yours. Nothing major but there was no way we would be happy having her working for us and in our home (live out but full time). I was perfectly honest with her when she was sacked after 3 weeks and I hope it helped her.

I'd be pissed off at you if I hired this nanny and found out you had all the same problems with her that I did. Nannying isn't rocket science. It takes enthusiasm, common sense, liking children and energy. If she doesn't have those then she isn't fit for the role.

Ihatemyclients · 27/02/2018 13:57

You certainly don't have to recommend her but I wouldn't go into too much detail - just say 'she wasn't what we were looking for, but she might work out for you - I wouldn't be able to say.'. If people press for more info just say you aren't in a position to discuss it. If I were you I would delete the FB post as it's putting you in a difficult position.

Original poster

goingagain · 27/02/2018 13:57

SleepFreeZone I do have very high standards I think and that is why it isn’t a good fit. I always say ‘it wasn’t a good fit for us’, it’s when they ask why that I struggle. I may have to just adopt the no comment approach.

Beepthemeep - I am not concerned if a mother tells her what I say tbh as I am not saying anything that isn’t true. I also told her that if she gives me as a reference I will have to say it wasn’t a good fit and, if pressed, explain why. She didn’t say anything when I said that though! Am hoping it will mean she won’t give me as a referee. Am going to try and get things FB post taken down as that is the current cause of my problems!

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 27/02/2018 14:00

Rubbish - but please be honest. If nothing else, you don't want to piss off people you'll potentially continue to be connected with (school, social life) for the sake of covering for a not very good nanny that you'll hopefully never see again.

You can say that no, you couldn't recommend in all honesty as she was not a good fit for you and therefore you aren't in a position to comment in proper detail as she hadn't worked for you for long. That's a fairly good 'out' which makes it clear that you DON'T recommend. If they press (ie they might be seriously considering her) then yes you can say you felt there wasn't good attention to detail on household tasks, and that you had very different ideas around play and would prefer someone more proactive and energetic.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/02/2018 14:01

Perhaps you could let her know that you're taking the FB post down because you're getting a lot of people wanting you to comment in detail - and as she's worked for you for so little time and it didn't work out, you feel that that might not be fair on her as you won't be able to give a true reflection of what she is like over time.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/02/2018 14:02

Sorry, meant 'rubbish' above as in rubbish for you - a rubbish situation to be put in!

Original poster

goingagain · 27/02/2018 14:05

Fizzy you have misunderstood me I think - there is no way I would cover for her; I meant I don’t mind if a mother tells her that I said I she wasn’t a good fit and I wouldn’t recommend her for x y z reason. I suppose my question to the board was really whether I was being unreasonable saying I wouldn’t recommend her and giving reasons or whether I should just make ‘no comment’ aside from saying she worked for us and it wasn’t a good fit.

When pressed I have given a bit more detail on eg play and manner with the children and have always suggested they try her out themselves.

OP posts:

Original poster

goingagain · 27/02/2018 14:06

Fizzy - ah ok, I thought you were saying post was rubbish

OP posts:

MagnaWiles · 27/02/2018 14:16

How about "I can't give either a positive or a negative review of XX as she did not work for me for long enough for me to get to know her properly"?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/02/2018 14:17

Sorry yes, it does come across that way hence my last post!

No I didn't mean cover for her in that way -just that the (understandable) reticence might end up effectively 'covering' the fact that she is actually, by the sound of it, pretty sub-standard. Which you of course don't want to be the outcome. However, also understand that you don't want to go overboard and run the risk of being unfair.

To hopefully answer better: I think that if you are asked to comment, it is fair and just to provide a precise reason why, because that will allow someone else to make THEIR judgment of that - be it 'Oh goodness I see what you mean' or 'Hmm, bit picky - that wouldn't bother me'. Also - there is also the consideration that she asked you to put up the FB post - thereby inviting your opinion of her (which she must understand isn't exactly glowing) to be sought.

nocampinghere · 27/02/2018 14:17

what are her positives?
punctual?
tidy?
reliable?
honest?

if you say "no comment" then i think they will think she did something bad, which she hasn't.

I'd go with the line "she was only with us a few weeks as she wasn't right for our family" and leave it at that. If pushed repeat "i can't really comment she was only with us a few weeks"... they'll read between the lines well enough i would think.

CaMePlaitPas · 27/02/2018 14:19

If you were a company the only reference you could give this person is the dates she worked for you. I wouldn't get into saying to people "no I don't recommend her" - her last day is tomorrow, ignore any further messages requesting info on her, and wish her well.

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