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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be honest about my views on this nanny?

46 replies

goingagain · 27/02/2018 13:29

When heavily pregnant with #4 I interviewed a live in nanny which I found via a recommendation on a local mother’s FB group. She started in the new year. Within a couple of days I knew it was a mistake and she wasn’t the right fit for us. The baby arrived a few days later and a few days after that we told her it wasn’t working for us. We hadn’t found a replacement but agreed to give her at least two weeks notice (which was notice period for first three months as per the contract though we never signed this as she hadn’t given it back to me by the time we said it wasn’t working). She asked me if I would post in the same FB group that she was looking for a job. I didn’t want to do this tbh but agreed. I posted but it was very factual, saying she was available etc, but did not recommend / give any view on her performance in the post.

We since gave her two weeks notice as agreed - not because we have found someone else but because I just can’t stand to have her around any more.

Over the course of the last couple of weeks various mothers (very local group) have contacted me to ask what I thought of her and would I recommend.

I feel like I have to be honest and say no - and give reasons of course - I am not sure what else I can say? I have in each case suggested they meet her themselves / have a trial.

AIBU to respond like this? Obviously mothers contacting me through the group are v local and want another mother’s recommendation... I wish I had never agreed to post for her now! What is the etiquette with references for a nanny you don’t rate? I have employed two other nannies in six years and they were both amazing so have never had to deal with this before.

OP posts:
littlemisscomper · 27/02/2018 14:34

Where are you goingagain? I'm desperate for a nanny job!

Original poster
goingagain · 27/02/2018 14:36

SW London. It is very much a nanny’s market atm here, demand is far outstripping supply apparently! I am a hard sell though, 4 children and mother at home!

OP posts:
ADayGivingMeHope · 27/02/2018 14:38

So creased it's unwearable...? Do your children live in silk shirts?! Shock

Just say she didn't fit with your family but that's personal. You don't need to say she's a bad nanny.

Original poster
goingagain · 27/02/2018 14:45

Ha no they don’t ADayGiving Grin but part of her job is their laundry so I expect when I pick a shirt out of the drawer that they can actually wear it without looking like it ha been slept in...

I would never tell someone she is a bad nanny. Though personally I think she isn’t very good.

OP posts:
Saz1995 · 27/02/2018 14:46

I think you need to be honest with her as to why she wasn't any good

ForgivenessIsDivine · 27/02/2018 14:52

Take the post down and don't respond to any more enquiries. I would also ask her not to give your name as a reference.

You cannot in all honesty say that she is a good nanny, anything else you say is lying by omission and given that she only worked for you for a few weeks, I am sure you have plenty of other things to do with your time. I don't think you owe her anything and in fact, you are probably doing her job prospects harm as things currently stand.

viques · 27/02/2018 15:13

There must have been something about her application/interview that made you employ her in the first place. Unless she lied and you are a complete idiot. You have employed nannies before so knew what you were looking for, what did you respond to in her application/interview, maybe think back to that and use that as a basis for your reference. I think you are letting your dislike cloud your judgement, I understand that you are not a good fit for each other but there must be something good and positive you saw or you would not have offered the job in the first place.

foodtime · 27/02/2018 15:15

It’s really difficult to tell from the information you have given if your being unrealistic with you expectations of a nanny or not. If your being unrealistic, it’s really not fair on the women to not give any feedback. You could really harm her reputation.

Have you ever had a nanny before this and were you happy with them?

billybagpuss · 27/02/2018 15:19

You have to be completely objective, if you give a bad reference and she loses employment because of it, you can be sued for damages. It can either be for defamation or discrimination. Either way be very careful and say as little as possible.

Raybon · 27/02/2018 15:19

I'm AGOG that it's actually possible to look after four children, entertain them and feed them AND iron their clothes.

I mean is that actually physically possible?!

Original poster
goingagain · 27/02/2018 15:23

She isn’t sole charge FGS, I am at home full time and they are all also variously at school / nursery apart from the newborn who I obviously have FT! She has three mornings til 2 with no children to look after so plenty of time for laundry. Anyway that is not the point of the post!

OP posts:
Original poster
goingagain · 27/02/2018 15:24

Yes I have had nannies before and they were brilliant.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 27/02/2018 15:26

I remember interviewing for a nanny job and asking why the current nanny was leaving. The parents looked at each other and said "We don't think she likes us very much!".
By happenstance I met her with that family's youngest two when I was doing temporary work for someone else. She felt they didn't trust her as they insisted on checking that car seats were fitted correctly and observed her making up bottles.

They didn't fit. I had no issues with the parents requests. After all, their children are the most precious thing in their lives and it's not unreasonable to want to ensure their safety. We got along fine for the time I was with them.

It can be a case of horses for courses.

As an aside, my first job was 4 children (including 2 year old twins) and it's perfectly possible to fit in ironing - I did it on my babysitting night, when the twins had their naps, etc.

KanyeWesticle · 27/02/2018 15:40

I wouldn't reply. It's not your job to find her a new role.

SciFiLover · 27/02/2018 17:53

I'll have the job goingagain! Lol.

What's the going rate in London?

DeathStare · 27/02/2018 17:59

Could you do a shit sandwich?

"X was always punctual, and took great care of getting to know the children. She wasn't a great fit for our family as we expect more creative play than she could provide. I also felt her ironing and cooking skills needed some development. However, I never had any concerns about the children's safety with her and I'm sure for the right family she would make a good nanny"

Angrybird345 · 27/02/2018 18:06

Just delete the post and ignore.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/02/2018 18:09

I’d get fired by you for sure Blush my dd will only eat pesto pasta for dinner, I never iron her clothes and we play with whatever toys she fetches out of the playroom!

I don’t think you’re BU but I would give her full constructive feed back then just get the FB ad taken down ASAP and tell her why. You’re going to end her career else!

Original poster
goingagain · 27/02/2018 18:40

Liking the shit sandwich idea...! Am also getting the ad removed....

OP posts:
BadPolicy · 27/02/2018 18:52

I like DeathStares answer. Find a few positives, even if it is just that she kept the children safe & had no time of sick (in a few weeks - I know!) and then be honest.
I'm sure there are some families that don't care about imagination or ironing, she just needs to find one of those families.

Urubu · 27/02/2018 19:52

I have been in the same situations and was honest with other parents, same as you, factual, saying what was good and what wasn't working for us. YANBU Smile

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