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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I should not be "Told off" for not bringing DD?

45 replies

FigleafX · 27/02/2018 12:46

Visited my friends for a meal. We normally visit as a family but 15 year old DD had other commitments, so didn't come with us. I did tell them in advance that she wasn't coming with us to their house.

When we arrived, we were told quite strappily that friend's 9 year old DC had been crying as my DD wasn't coming. My DD is a kindly sort and normally goes to great lengths to entertain their child. As their DC has got older, the child in question has got more and more difficult to entertain as doesn't want to do anything suggested and can be quite demanding. My DD no longer wants to act as a sort of unpaid child entertainer and has her own social life anyway.

I feel my friend is unreasonable trying to make us feel guilty for not bringing DD to their house. AIBU?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 27/02/2018 12:48

YANBU

Only1scoop · 27/02/2018 12:49

'I did tell them in advance that she wasn't coming with us to their house.'

Yanbu you told them

Are you sure it wasn't more of a little declaration of how much their dd likes yours rather than a 'telling off'

HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/02/2018 12:49

YANBU, they wanted your 15 year old to occupy/babysit their 9 year old. CF's.

sallythesheep73 · 27/02/2018 12:50

As long as you told them in advance, which you did, then I'm afraid their child's disappointment is their problem.

Ihatemyclients · 27/02/2018 12:50

I suppose it depends on whether or not she had been clearly invited and you had given the impression she would go. I don't think your DD is at all obliged to attend, but I would think it rude if I had extended an invitation to her and thought it was accepted and then she just didn't turn up, iyswim?

witchofzog · 27/02/2018 12:50

Yanbu. At 15 she will be much more interested in hanging out with her friends than entertaining someone else's 9 year old. They are just pissed off that they will need to engage with her themselves.

Ihatemyclients · 27/02/2018 12:51

Oh sorry, totally didn't see the bit where you told them in advance! (Need to read slower!) in that case YADNBU

teaandtoast · 27/02/2018 12:53

Bang goes their unpaid babysitter! Maybe they'll have to engage with their stroppy child themselves.

AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 27/02/2018 12:54

YANBU
They were probably looking forward to having some child free time thanks to your DD being there.

Leeds2 · 27/02/2018 12:56

They were probably trying to lay on the guilt so that your DD goes next time. Don't take her!

Original poster
FigleafX · 27/02/2018 12:58

I did wonder if my friend was really saying how much her DC likes my DD, but both myself and DH got the impression that my friend seemed actually angry DD wasn't with us.

DD does normally come to their house, but on this occasion had a better offer. I did tell them in advance she wouldn't be with us, but my friend gave us a massive guilt trip when we arrived.

OP posts:
PhelanThePain · 27/02/2018 12:58

I would barely have responded other than to say “well she’s a teenager, they have busy social lives” then changed the subject.

whiteroseredrose · 27/02/2018 12:58

YANBU. DD is 14 and politely entertains the little ones but is getting to the stage where she would rather do her own thing.

EllieMe · 27/02/2018 13:01

YANBU. Poor DD has had enough I expect.

MichaelBendfaster · 27/02/2018 13:05

How tiresome of your friend.

dinosaurkisses · 27/02/2018 13:16

I’d think about sending an email or text on the pretext of thanking them for the lovely evening but then adding that dd is now at an age where she’ll be doing her own thing at the weekends so she won’t always be accompanying you as she has done up until now.

But yeah, it just sounds like they’re pissed they’ve lost their free babysitter.

pictish · 27/02/2018 13:17

I would have breezed it saying, “Well she has her own priorities at 15...nothing I can or should do about that.” Then I would change the subject and refuse to entertain any more talk about it. Their dd is not owed an audience with yours. Yanbu.

MadMags · 27/02/2018 13:20

YADNBU. Is friend’s 9 year old used to getting his/her own way?!

SlothMama · 27/02/2018 13:23

YANBU
I doubt the 15 year old enjoys hanging out with a 9 year old tbh

pictish · 27/02/2018 13:25

I had something similar-ish at a festival with a group of friends. C was hoping my ds(14) would keep her ds(9) entertained over the weekend. While ds did give her lad a fair bit of positive attention because he’s a nice kid, he didn’t want to be glued to him so sent him back to his own tent/mum on occasion or went off with the other two kids his own age, leaving her lad with her. Come the Sunday she complained that her son was upset at being ‘constantly’ ditched by mine, like ds had broken a contract or something. I just dismissed her with a wave of the hand and vague noises about ds having other priorities. I never promised her a babysitter or imagined that was my son’s role. Her kid, her responsibility. She sulked pointedly but I didn’t care.

MrsElvis · 27/02/2018 13:27

How did you react? I would under react and say "she has her own life now that she's 15"

But if they kept up the attitude I think I would have to drop the truth bomb that it's hardly a great day out for her and her D.C. has been difficult the last few times

citychick · 27/02/2018 13:30

YANBU

Mum of 9yr old was maybe stressed after her daughter lost it when told the 15yr old wasn't coming along. So mum guilt tripped you.

Not nice, but they've both learnt that
a - free child entertainment for mum not guaranteed
b - entertainment for 9 yr old not guaranteed.

they will get over it.

Topseyt · 27/02/2018 13:32

Your DD is under no obligation at all to go to this friend's house and entertain their 9 year old, and your friend is an arse to expect it.

Your DD is growing up fast now and starting to spread her wings, as 15 year olds do (within reason, of course).

I'd be informing said "friend" that DD is not a free childminder, she is a young person who is starting to build her own independent life now and you will be supporting her with this.

There is no reason why your DD should be tied down by the demands of a 9 year old who isn't even family anyway (and perhaps not even if they were). The 9 year old is the responsibility of his or her parents.

FleurDeLizzie · 27/02/2018 13:32

YANBU. The free child entertainment had to stop sometime, or your dd would be entertaining a 14 year old when she's 20. At 15 she has other fish to fry.

FrancisCrawford · 27/02/2018 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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