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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I should not be "Told off" for not bringing DD?

45 replies

FigleafX · 27/02/2018 12:46

Visited my friends for a meal. We normally visit as a family but 15 year old DD had other commitments, so didn't come with us. I did tell them in advance that she wasn't coming with us to their house.

When we arrived, we were told quite strappily that friend's 9 year old DC had been crying as my DD wasn't coming. My DD is a kindly sort and normally goes to great lengths to entertain their child. As their DC has got older, the child in question has got more and more difficult to entertain as doesn't want to do anything suggested and can be quite demanding. My DD no longer wants to act as a sort of unpaid child entertainer and has her own social life anyway.

I feel my friend is unreasonable trying to make us feel guilty for not bringing DD to their house. AIBU?

OP posts:
nineteentwelve · 27/02/2018 13:37

YADNBU - maybe when your friends DC is 15 they will realise that there is no way in hell they'd want to entertain a 9 year old.
Its kind of understandable/more fun when the child is younger and your DD would have been younger, perhaps quite cute - but a 15 year old looking after a 9 year old, tiresome

Loonoon · 27/02/2018 13:37

We have had similar reactions when a family member brings her very demanding DD round here and my DC are not around to take care of said DD. Sadly it is not coincidental - my DC love little kids normally but this particular child is so demanding and clingy that they now prefer to be elsewhere when she visits. It is sad because I am sure if her own parents were a bit more consistent in their parenting she could be a much nicer child. ]
When the parents comment (and they often do) I just say something along the lines of 'they are young adults now, they have their own lives to lead'. Once they had the cheek to get annoyed because DS1 didn't make the 400 mile round trip back from uni to see them.

nineteentwelve · 27/02/2018 13:37

YADNBU - maybe when your friends DC is 15 they will realise that there is no way in hell they'd want to entertain a 9 year old.
Its kind of understandable/more fun when the child is younger and your DD would have been younger, perhaps quite cute - but a 15 year old looking after a 9 year old, tiresome

nineteentwelve · 27/02/2018 13:37

YADNBU - maybe when your friends DC is 15 they will realise that there is no way in hell they'd want to entertain a 9 year old.
Its kind of understandable/more fun when the child is younger and your DD would have been younger, perhaps quite cute - but a 15 year old looking after a 9 year old, tiresome

Topseyt · 27/02/2018 13:37

Oh, and I too have a 15 year old DD.

Whilst she would certainly be kind to a 9 year old who happened to be in her company, she would certainly rather go around with her own friends than be tied down by the 9 year old.

nineteentwelve · 27/02/2018 13:37

sorry - double post by accident!

IpreferFrieda · 27/02/2018 13:46

Oh don’t put up with their nonsense op.

Your dd is now old enough to go her own way. She’s not a 9 year olds play mate. Ignore and move on

Original poster
FigleafX · 27/02/2018 14:41

Thank you for all the supportive messages everyone. Much appreciated!

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 27/02/2018 14:48

Oh dear, poor them to lose their free babysitting. Not.

8misskitty8 · 27/02/2018 15:01

How rude are your friends . does Her 9 year old get whatever they want usually ? Sounds like it.
. At 15 your Dd has more important things to do, like studying or socialising with her peers which at her age is just as important as studying.

Thistlebelle · 27/02/2018 15:05

Tbh, I’d be annoyed enough about that to politely decline the next invitation I received.

Original poster
FigleafX · 27/02/2018 16:05

I am going to ensure that DD is out next time they come to our house, to try and end the expectation that she provides free entertainment for their DC.

I haven't even told DD about my friend's reaction to her not accompanying us on our visit as I know that DD would probably feel incredibly guilty.

OP posts:
pilates · 27/02/2018 16:14

Just say to them your DD is of an age where she prefers to spend time with her friends, which is totally normal btw

HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/02/2018 16:14

Don't tell DD, it's not her problem. She shouldn't be made to think she has done anything wrong.

MichaelBendfaster · 27/02/2018 16:59

No, don't tell her, for heaven's sake.

AlexanderHamilton · 27/02/2018 17:01

Gosh my 14 & 16 year olds are so busy with school, homework, extra curricular etc the little free time they get is theirs to choose what they do with.

Wait til your friends Dd goes to secondary school.

cadburyegg · 27/02/2018 17:10

YANBU

Well done for not “forcing” dd to go with you. I was dragged to so many “friend of family” events at that age when I wanted to do my own thing. Tiresome. Even more so if I had been expected to entertain a 9 year old!

DalekDalekDalek · 27/02/2018 17:15

YANBU
I would be thinking twice about visiting again. Clearly the only reason they want you and your DH to visit is so they can get some free childcare from you DD! Definitely CFs!

ajandjjmum · 27/02/2018 17:26

I would make a point of saying to them that as your DD is getting older, she is become more independent and spending time with her friends. She will not always be able to make 'family' get-togethers, and you think that is quite natural.

Which it is!

SandAndSea · 27/02/2018 19:02

YANBU. I was your DD. I thought the younger kids would grow up one day to be my friends on an equal basis. But no. Cue: Highly entitled, selfish adults.

I also wouldn't tell your DD - she's got nothing to feel guilty about.

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