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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My attempts to help dd settle into reception have made things ten times worse time to give up now?!

29 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 26/02/2018 19:44

Dd not settling in reception despite going to the two feeder preschools so she’d make friends, and joining in the after school dance group and me organising various Numerous play dates. Latest brainwave was to get her to join rainbows excellent idea I thought and I’d help out to except this has led to an older girl in her school a rainbow now targeting her which I witnessed first hand today dealt with by the lovely volunteers but still my meddling has opened her up to more upset.
I just want her to be happy and make friends so I obviously need to stay well away from future great ideas right?!

OP posts:
Thesmallthings · 26/02/2018 19:47

She will get there. Have you spoke to the teacher

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2018 19:48

Yes, just step back and let her find her own feet.

I think micro managing our kid's early school/primary school years, is pretty much a modern-ish thing.

I just don't remember parents doing it when I was little (1970s). We made our own friends in our own time, fell out/made up again and mostly all without much help from adults.

Just be there for her when she needs you, but other than that, try to let her get on with it.

HappydaysArehere · 26/02/2018 20:08

Young children can get very tired when they start school. Perhaps after school activities are too much when what she might need is home, and a relaxing time in order that she can assimilate all the new things which are happening. Perhaps if you try not to expect too much things will take their natural course and she will settle into her new world. You could always have a word with her teacher who sees her all day. Does she go willingly to school? Does she really want to go to rainbows? In many schools the younger children have separate playtimes from the older children. I wonder how old this child is who is targeting her. I hope things improve. Good luck.

Knittedfairies · 26/02/2018 20:16

Your daughter may be exhausted; imagine you've just got a new job and there is a lot to learn, in a new setting, with people you don't know very well yet. The boss is an unknown quantity, but you want to please him or her. You're not quite sure who is going to become a good friend, and who you should avoid... and you're overloaded with new things. I’m pretty sure you'd just want to go home and relax. Give her time and space and she'll no doubt be fine.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 27/02/2018 10:27

Thank you- have mentioned the older girl to the teacher and already have a slot booked to chat to teacher on fri after school about the other issues settling in etc so hopefully things improve.
Carry on with play dates or leave it for now?

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 27/02/2018 10:53

Knittedfairies: spot on. Also remember she hasn't worked out people, so basically the new job is in Outer Mongolia as well. DD used to nap for 30 minutes after coming home during her first term.

Allthewaves · 27/02/2018 10:57

How many playdates a week?

Cath2907 · 27/02/2018 10:59

My daughter was very shy as a nursery/reception child. To be honest I wasn't sure she had any "friends" although teachers said she was generally liked and always had someone to play with in the playground. She never talked of anyone specific and in the playground waiting for the bell she just stood by me and held my hand. We went with making home a relaxing and fun place to be after school approach - she was always SO tired that after school clubs seemed impossible so I didn't sign her up to any. We took her to friends birthday parties but she didn't like bouncy castles or loud running and yelling games and often ended up back with me. She didn't say she was unhappy at school so I kept my fingers crossed it would get ok in time but to be honest I was really worried she just didn't seem to be part of any particular friendship group and she seemed a little sad and scared. She is now in Year 2 and it sometimes feels like I am parenting a celebrity. She has a little gang of friends in school and they all come running to greet her, the older kids high 5 her, the teachers loudly call her a welcome... She knows they are her mates and invites them places, they exchange little token gifts of pictures they've drawn or jewelery they've made. Yes it all happens to the other kids too but mine is no longer hiding behind my legs whilst the fun happens elsewhere! My child is suddenly popular! She doesn't seem to know she was ever anything else and accepts all this as her due. There is still about half the class who aren't part of her immediate social circle but she seems not to even notice them most of the time. Deep down I suspect she is part of the nerds gang but as a nerd myself that doesn't bother me. She is bright sunny and happy.

She now does swimming and Beavers as after school clubs and has playdates but still doesn't much enjoy birthday parties. We often decline on her behalf if it is an invite to a large party - she enjoys small get togethers of her immediate gang.

I'd give her a bit of time and space. I am sure she'll find her feet and I really don't think you can force them to make friends. Perhaps dial back on the clubs and playdates if she doesn't enjoy them. There is plenty of time for her to grow into having a "gang" of her own!

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 27/02/2018 11:02

Seriously? Back waaay off. She's knackered from a day at school, and you're making her do playdates with kids she's spent all day with, and she probably has no idea if she likes them or not? Let her find her feet herself. Any problems, talk to the teacher.

StorminaBcup · 27/02/2018 11:09

My ds is a real slow burner when it comes to settling in. He’s been attending school nursery for a year (since last Jan), and it’s really only this year that he’s started hi to his friends outside of school and going in on his own without tears. I’m expecting a repeat when starts reception as he’s really Routine driven (I’m the opposite!).

I agree with the other posters who have said back off. Let her find her own feet. What you think is helping may actually be undermining her confidence. She’ll get there and if she does need extra help her teachers will let you know.

StorminaBcup · 27/02/2018 11:11

(We don’t any after school clubs either!)

recklessgran · 27/02/2018 11:19

Crumbs - had a shy one myself. I would back off with all the playdates especially if they're after school. She's probably exhausted and would just enjoy special mummy time if you can manage that - baking or craft or whatever is her thing with just you. It sounds like it's all too much for her to be honest. Just give her time - she'll be fine OP.

chocatoo · 27/02/2018 11:26

My M&D tell the tale of when I started at school they were really worried as I said I had no friends and noone spoke to me. Dad hid round the corner one day and watched countless kids come over and say hello to me...give her time and leave her to it a bit.

MsWanaBanana · 27/02/2018 11:28

Agree with other pp’s that you need to back way off. Let her find her own feet. She’s probably sensing your stress and unhappiness about the situation and going off that. She needs to settle in her own time and her own way. She’ll get there. Stop bombarding her with play dates and clubs. She’s exhausted and you’re pushing her too hard. She’s 5 ffs chill out

gussyfinknottle · 27/02/2018 11:30

My dd (now Y6) really didn't settle in school until Y2. She loves it now.
I used to sew little buttons on the inside of her skirt for her to press and hold if she was feeling anxious. I remember one day seeing her do it after I had attended a school assembly - I definitely had something in my eye that day.
In Y1 we had a school refusal period and together we made a little teddy from old clothes and buttons which she kept in her school bag. I talked to the teacher about it and she was great about it.
She's just been away for a week on a school outward bound thing. I thought she'd hate it. She rocked it.
Very proud and very sympathetic to those going through the same thing.

TeenTimesTwo · 27/02/2018 11:34

2 nurseries, then starting reception with play dates, after school dance and rainbows. It sounds an awful lot to me.

How does the 'not settling' actually manifest itself?

A child can be settled without many friends, just gently observing friendship groups until they feel more confident.

gussyfinknottle · 27/02/2018 11:38

This mania for play dates and activities at a young age is not always what a child needs. Some kids love it but it really isn't the only way; some kind of gold standard that any kid who fails to do it fails to meet.
Take a step back and let your child warm up to being sociable at their own pace.
You're not doing anything wrong by pausing it.

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2018 11:52

What is it exactly you are concerned by. Friendships at this age can be transient and move around a lot.

It sounds like you are very anxious about it

LittleOwl153 · 27/02/2018 11:53

Yeah kids starting school are knackered. Mine have still had it when they come in.

Would say keep the Rainbows going though if you can - if she enjoys it there. (Talk to the leader about the incident at school they can equally do the everyone is friends in rainbows kind of stuff)

My DD (yr4) is a Brownie now but she is really useful in school for girls who go to Rainbows/Brownies who are struggling to make friends or just need someone bigger on their side that day - as they know her from another setting, and she is always up for taking a 'small' under her wing! (It is working the same for DD with one of the yr6 who is a Guide as this Guide looks after DD when she is thrown in with the older girls and she is now saying she wants to go to Guides with her - we have multiple units locally)

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 27/02/2018 12:22

thank you all some fab advice on here.
we're doing 1 playdate a fortnight atm more in half term/hols.
main concern is that shes lonely doesn't enjoy school at play times/lunchtime but when its structured she seems ok. I have seen her on her own at lunchtime myself.
this morning she realised shed not been invited to another party :( I just want her to be happy

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 27/02/2018 12:28

Remember not every child will be invited to every party!

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 27/02/2018 12:30

i know its just that the latest 2 she'd not been invited to had been to her party and also playdates she assumed it would mean an invite back but i have explained again that just because they came to yours doesnt mean that you'll be invited to theirs

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/02/2018 12:33

Are you watching playtimes?

How come?

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 27/02/2018 12:36

have to walk past the school sometimes at lunchtime break to get ds to babygroup and after she'd told me she was alone at lunchtimes I looked out for her and the couple of times I have seen her she has been on her own

OP posts:
chocatoo · 27/02/2018 14:58

No point telling you not to worry as easier said than done. I know a lot of people have said shes probably tired but what about considering a little dance or music class where there will be children from other schools too? I always found that it helped me and DD to know that she had non-school friends too.