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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if there is just no helping DS?

55 replies

mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 17:10

DS is an adult with autism and ADHD and various mental health issues going hand in hand with them.

He appears to now be suffering from a sort of psychosis, where he is unable to process basic information, recognise familiar items or respond appropriately to simple questions (he will scream and then if you say "are you in pain?" he says "my name is (DS.)") He also smears faeces and urinates around the house.

But other times he is lucid - still eccentric but seems perfectly 'normal.'

He has now lost his driving licence on medical grounds and so he can't work.

So what is he supposed to do - he won't claim benefits, he is a danger to himself, yet no one will intervene?

OP posts:
birdlover1977 · 26/02/2018 17:56

I’m so sorry you are struggling OP. I have no real advice and all I can offer is my best wishes that you and your son get the help you need. I have two sons with autism but they are still young- it frightens me when I think about their future and how they will cope.

HonkyWonkWoman · 26/02/2018 17:57

I'm guessing if he's been driving and working a while, he is an adult at least over 18?
I'm thinking quite a bit older!
The hospital, Police, Social Service etc will throw the problem of him, back at you, if you seem willing to have him in your home.
This may sound harsh but to get him the help he desperately needs you will have to make it clear to these agencies that you are not willing to have him back in your home.
Sometimes, you have to let a crisis happen to get the help
You also have the option of requesting him Sectioned yourself.
All very difficult for you as a Mother to do but you are being cruel to be kind, at the end of the day.

Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 17:58

No, they didn't refuse to send one, but it took six hours. In that time, DS was slightly more lucid but increasingly aggressive and forced my hand. Plus, if they'd come later he'd have just said he was fine.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 26/02/2018 18:02

Sorry just seen that he's nearly 20.

Sarsparella · 26/02/2018 18:02

Ah I see, I think another time you have to say it’s an absolute emergency - they’ve clearly categorised it as a non-emergency

You also have the option of requesting him Sectioned yourself

Doesn’t mean they’ll be able to do anything, to be sectioned you have to be assessed by two separate doctors and deemed an actual danger to yourself and/or others - you can’t just ask for a person to be sectioned and it happens

Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 18:02

Thanks bird - it is utterly terrifying. I feel like I'm Alice falling down a rabbit hole of lunacy. And it is like a warren as I'm just scurrying in and out of various burrows Sad

I can't make him homeless. Not least because he's currently in my house that I can't go back to because of him (he needs space, he says.) But if I threw him out - and he is barely processing who I am, which is why I'm not taking the bizarre comments personally, but he probably wouldn't fully understand "I am making you homeless, DS." He would freeze to death. Really, he would, he would sit there and freeze. The power once went out and he didn't notice.

But assuming he could get himself to the benefits office, he'd maybe end up in a hostel but he'd start a fight, not because he's arsey with other people on purpose (he isn't, for the most part he's very gentle but he is just not himself at the moment) and shouts and disturbs others.

And plus, he does have a flat, although he doesn't live in it. So they'd just tell him to live there but he can't because he shouts. And he'd end up burning it down or something (I wish I was kidding.)

OP posts:
purpleangel17 · 26/02/2018 18:07

Has he ever had a statement of SEN? I would seriously consider applying for their replacement, an Education Health and Care Plan. You can apply up to age 25. It could get him into a supported apprenticeship plus getting the health and social care help he needs. I used to be an SEN Officer and make decisions on them. Happy to help with an application.

Worldsworstcook · 26/02/2018 18:14

You have been very poorly supported IRL.

You need to apply for the benefits on his behalf either as an appointee (which you need to do through the DWP) or simply fill in the form and where it asks who filled in the form fill in your own details. Request a letter from his doctor outlining his condition and behaviour - I know people say they don't count but they do - you can enclose a very detailed letter outlining his condition what you have witnessed stating he's a danger to himself and inadvertently others. You should also contact your local Law Centre who will help you fill in the forms and give you all the advice you need. Just so you know he needs to show this behaviour for more than 50% of the time for PIPs or he will not qualify.

My heart goes out to you OP. I hope he gets the help he needs. If you can get a CPN, the cpn only needs to see him once and their opinion carries a lot of weight in benefit application as well as offering both him and you support in real life. Take photos for the GP so he sees what you are dealing with. It's putting you at risk as well as your poor DS - I'm sure he's not the one cleaning up. Enclose the notification his licence has been removed due to his erratic behaviour.

Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 18:15

Thank you so much. Would that depend on his cooperation? He didn't have a statement when at school but he was far less jittery and agitated then, much more docile and easy to manage and he was slightly above average academically, he passed all his GCSEs at any rate. But since then, he's declined dramatically.

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 26/02/2018 18:16

Have you spoken to your own GP about the affect this is having on you OP? That might be another angle to try and get some help.

Document everything that happens with your DS to show anyone/everyone who will listen what happens.

Ring 101 ( non emergency police) and ask for advice on what to do. Also ring MIND, NAS etc for advice.

And then every time he is a risk to himself of others, ring 999. I'm afraid sometimes it's those that shout loudest that get the help.

Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 18:17

But world, he won't engage with the doctor. It's hard to say whether it is for 50% of the time or not. And the GP won't see me as he's over the age of 18. Sad

But thank you - he does have a GP appointment this week but chances are he'll be OK for it and will seem a bit anxious and edgy but that's normal for DS. But not the poo smearing shouty version!

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 26/02/2018 18:24

Can you get his gp to do a home visit tomorrow? They can instigate the first part of a MHA assessment or contact the crisis team themselves.

purpleangel17 · 26/02/2018 18:25

It is not about academic ability but about removing barriers stopping young people achieving their potential. As he is an adult, he would have to agree, unless he is shown to lack mental capacity. Officially the application would be made by him but you could write it. If you are happy to PM me an email address and your local authority area I can send you more detailed information. Even if he is turned down it raises his profile and puts a rocket up people's arses!

Foodylicious · 26/02/2018 18:26

Have you called the crisis team or is he under a cmht?

Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 18:27

He definitely wouldn't agree, not in a million years.

No, he's had no involvement from MH specialists apart from being "locked up with a load of mad twats" (his words.)

OP posts:
purpleangel17 · 26/02/2018 18:32

What does he want to happen, when he is lucid?

Worldsworstcook · 26/02/2018 18:34

You can make an appt with his gp and tell him your concerns and what is goi g on at home. The gp just can't talk back! I often leave my gp notes, letters, calls about my dh because otherwise he would never know. You can do this on his behalf because he does not have the mental competency or ability to do it himself. As I said, pictures or recordings paint 1000 words.

Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 18:34

He wants to kill himself - lots of talk about hanging, jumping off bridges. Then he says things like "I want to meet a girl." So it's as if he wants two things at the same time. But he doesn't accept he is unwell, or if he does, sees it as "normal."

OP posts:
Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 18:36

I have world but there' still nothing they can do until DS himself goes in and he can be quite shouty and angsty with the GP. Sometimes, I suspect they give him medication just to get rid of him.

OP posts:
Worldsworstcook · 26/02/2018 18:37

I'm very serious OP. Phone his dr, who will complete a mental checklist - do you have suicidal thoughts etc. Do it ahead of his appt and offer to accompany him or if you can ask to meet with the gp first.

seagulltargetpractice · 26/02/2018 18:39

It doesn't sound like he's ever lucid, tbh. It sounds like you could have a very good case for having him sectioned, which is heartbreaking I know but at least he'd be safe and possibly even start to feel better.

Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 18:41

World I did ring his doctor but only got as far as the receptionist, who is actually a lady I know a bit as she has a son my other child's age, and she was so sympathetic and said they'd try to get him in. But I couldn't talk to the doctor. In any case, he lies, it's obvious he's lying but if someone says "are you suicidal" and they say no, what do you do?

He wouldn't let me accompany him because he is very agitated with me, thinks I'm responsible for him being unable to drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
mustnotlooktohave · 26/02/2018 18:41

He's lucid enough not to be sectioned, sometimes, although I know what you mean.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 26/02/2018 18:42

Have you googled who your local mental health trust are?
He does not need to be agreeing to or consenting to this right now.
He sounds too unwell.

Foodylicious · 26/02/2018 18:43

They really should take the whole picture in to account . Not just what he says on interview