To refuse to not do DH laundry

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I've been living with DH and doing his laundry for around 4 years. I've always done the laundry & housework... hoovering, dusting, dishes, cleaning the bird cage, washing the floors, cleaning bathroom & toilet, cooking, generally tidying everything. So I do everything basically. Im currently on mat leave, have been since September 17. I do everything for DD, bathing, dressing, feeding, changing, putting to bed & washing/sterilising the bottles.

I know DH works hard, on building sites as a bricklayer. His job is physically demanding so I understand he can be tired. He comes home and either sits around in the house or we go out. If none of them he will go out in the garden and do whatever he does out there. Which I would say is rather a hobby.

So back to the laundry situation, I wash his laundry and put it away. Otherwise it'll never get done. I washed his clothes a few weeks ago and put them on the bed for him to put away. The next thing I see him throwing them on the floor this really annoyed me! He doesn't appreciate anything I do. He thinks the fairies come and do all the housework and laundry. I never get a thank you.

Aibu to buy another washing basket and tell him to crack on? We are going to the shops later and I'm planning on getting another washing basket and telling him to do his own laundry.

YANBU but only d it if you are happy for it not to be done or to be done at his pace. My DH is the same with laundry and honestly i'd rather do it myself than leave him to it, as i hate the piles of stuff on the bedroom floor, clean stuff never put away etc, etc, etc.

I find if I want him to do more then i have to tell him to do a specific task. Like on a Saturday morning i usually meet a friend and take DS swimming, I will say something like, "while I'm out, could you hoover the whole house, and empty the dishwasher, and take the rubbish out. I have to be in control and basically direct him otherwise nothing would get done! Some men people just don't see the mess/dirt at all!

@expatinscotland I could not agree more!

getting rid of my manchild was the best thing i ever did! There is no way my son will grow up thinking housework=women's work

I'm going to be blunt but you've made a rod for your own back For 4 years you have been waiting on him hand and foot and now you are ready to try and right the imbalance, he is going to be angry as he has had it easy for so long.

You'll need to be really firm and stick to your guns and not relent. Good luck!

Were you working full time whilst doing all the housework before you had DD? If so why would you expect him to suddenly appreciate your efforts now?

If not and you stayed at home whilst he went out to work, then you need a chat about how your have a full day now looking after DD and he needs to muck in.

Either way you need to talk.

I dont think the laundry is the issue tbh if doing the washing anyway, why wouldnt you do his?
If I'm doing mine and my DC's washing it would be completely pointless and time wasteing to not DH's as well. But then my DH equally does things for me, I think he needs to be doing more in general. Rather than splitting individual tasks 50:50 you need share out the tasks ( not 50:50 though because hes out of the house for most of the day)

Only on MN dies a SAHP proudly announce she doesn't do her partners washing. Do people really live and have a wain together but not do 'joint' loads of washing because 'it's not mine'.

Anyway, that's me off to get the 50's bus home.

I don't do my partners washing, he has always done his own and vice versa. I'm not touching his skivvies!!

You have sex with him but you won't touch his pants? Or do you not have sex?

What was it like pre-children? Did you share chores at home when both of you worked?

My DH works insane hours and is mega tired so his only jobs are talking bins out and washing up. Once or twice a week he might cook something. However, while recognising he's mega tired, I didn't want to end up feeling like his servant so we pay for a cleaner who cleans, changes sheets and irons clothes. That leaves me with doing the shopping, laundry and a bit of cooking. It's more than his share but I do have more time so don't mind at all. Perhaps a similar system could help you too.

'@maddiemookins16mum My DH has been doing his own washing since he was about 13. It has never been an expectation that I would do it, even when i was on mat leave ( and did offer) his response was always that he's always done why would he stop just because he now lives with someone.
It isn't a case of me purposefully doing all the other washing but leaving his. He sorts his own out and I sort mine. We have separate dirty washing baskets. We share the 'communal' and DS's stuff and do it when we notice that it needs doing.

Only do it if you're fully prepared to not care when he doesn't do it, or does it and leaves it in the machine, or leaves everything hanging around drying.
This.
I would suggest you choose a different chore. One that he agrees to take on and is less likely to annoy you if not done or harder to not do. Also it's inefficient for each to do their own laundry.
Perhaps bath and bedtime 3 nights a week and all the washing up?
I wouldn't dismiss the gardening as a hobby until you've had to cut the grass every week for 8 months of the year.

My husband works hard, he can do 6+ hours a day driving ON TOP of his physically demanding job, sometimes does14 hour shifts, he leaves the house around 5am most days. I'm a SAHM and don't expect him to do much but I do expect him to pick up after himself, put his own clothes away/put dirty stuff in the basket. If it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed, same for the kids as soon as they are capable of putting it in the basket. He does all DIY, the grass cutting, the bins, vaccuums the house top to bottom every weekend including the sofas etc.

Working hard isn't an excuse to be waiting on hand and foot. Having a SAH partner doesn't make them your skivvy. If he were a single man he'd have to do it all himself on top of his job.

Oh god OP, you've married one of those men.

Send him back to his mother if he won't do his fair share of the parenting and housework. My sons were shown how to use the washing machine at 14. No way would I have carried on doing their washing into adulthood.

Lots of people work hard and still do chores, their own laundry, cook and take care of their children.
He has no excuse and he needs to be doing more than just his own laundry.

If you're at home all day just do his laundry with your own and your DD's. It's a bit much to expect him to start sorting laundry when he gets home after a physical days work and is probably more effort for you to pick your own out of the laundry bin.

The weekends should be 50/50 for sure so put your foot down about that.

But laundry seriously just crack on.

Im with my husband 12 years and have never done his washing, I can always fill a load with just my stuff. Its never even been an issue between us. He has his basket and I have mine.

Just refuse to do it any longer, OP. I did that after I went back to work full time a year after DD was born. Can just about keep on top of mine and DD's, not killing myself to do his too when he is perfectly able to do it himself.

It's a bit much to expect him to start sorting laundry when he gets home after a physical days work Oh! I must have married Superman then!

DH works away, physical job, often nights, working outside, so lots of layers of clothing, Hi Vis vests etc etc. When he gets home he shuffles it all through the washing machine, tumble dryer, clothes airer and back into cupboards and drawers. He then repacks his kit back, including checking for toiletries, chargers, books, reading glasses and any number of other things and never bothers me with any of it.

just like I don't expect him to do any of mine - though we both will if asked or if we have half a load or some spare time!

I thought that what adults do, if they want clean clothes!

I just re-read your original message and realised that you've always done it and it's only now that you've changed your mind. If you want to be reasonable, you'll need to sit him down and tell him that the arrangement doesn't work for you any more and how you feel. Then suggest ways to change it.

I can't see what you hope to achieve other than an argument by using tactics to piss him off.

Our biggest argument was over laundry. Having put everything ironed into the airing cupboard, DH took something of his and left a complete mess. My work shirts had to be re-ironed. I decided that was it no more laundry. That was 30 years ago and I have never wavered.

DH worked in an office and each Sunday night he would make a big show of doing his ironing. Puffing and tutting at the difficult shirts. Less than a month later he got us an ironing lady. I am not sure if he thought he was just going to have to pay for his. I made sure that everything went in the bag.

So his bit of thoughtlessness paid dividends.

I've often wondered to myself how men manage to be both helpless and so dominating. It's like Schrödinger's husband.

To put it bluntly OP, you are being taken for a mug. Your entire situation is grossly unfair on you and your DH is massively taking the piss.

It's not just about his washing. Are you his slave or something?

I honestly think you can't carry on like this. The two of you need to sit down and rewrite the rules for your domestic life, with you stating very clearly that you're no longer his slave.

Find your inner assertive you and make damn sure he pulls his weight.

It's not about the washing, though. Don't make it about that one thing. It's about the fact that he doesn't pull his weight in general.

That is probably the best advice you've had! Make it about EVERYTHING, ask him about SHARING YOUR LIVES! As in all of it, good, bad and tiresome!

I used to be that mug, doing exH's ironing even though we both worked full time. One day he had a go me for not ironing the creases into his shirt arms neatly enough so I took the shirts I'd just ironed and dumped then onto our open fire. It was a big deal for him because he's an odd shape so finding work shirts that fit was really difficult. Muggins here still still did his ironing for the next few years albeit without criticism (I was young and naive). When I finally wised up and stopped his mother stepped in and did it One of many reasons he's my ex.