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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed about DSD’s friends mum – Step parenting, wife-work & vegetarian children

43 replies

PikaPikaTink · 26/02/2018 12:08

NC as I am paranoid about being recognised.

This made me angry (I have pmt so perhaps more angry than is reasonable.)

This weekend it was DP’s daughter 12th birthday and DP and I hosted the party which entailed buying a selection of Domino’s pizzas, pop crisps, etc and leaving them to it in the living room with music, some games (although she referred to them as activities as she is no longer a child). DP and I shared a bottle of wine, over a dominos had a cuddle and watched a film in our room. It reminded me of dating in flatshares 😊. Every so often DP or I “needed something from downstairs” so we could check on them but it was clear we weren’t welcome and were an embarrassment.

The next day a lady who I recognised as one of the mothers came to the front door. DP answered and she asked for me and proceeded to attempt to tell me off for the fact that her daughter had had some pepperoni pizza and was a vegetarian and that I should been supervising to prevent this.

This has incensed me as firstly, I let the girls choose their pizzas and there were a few veggie options there was uneaten veggie pizza left over. I didn’t even know that this girl was a vegetarian and at 12 I think it would have been inappropriate for me to police whether or not she ate meat even if I had known. I think DSD would have died with embarrassment if I had attempted to join the party by sitting in the living room to supervise.

Secondly, and this is the main thing, DP answered the door and she asked for me even though he is the parent and I am not which I can only assume is because I am female! I dealt with her by not entering into the dialogue but calling DP back to talk to her to make the point that he is the parent and her tone with him was much more polite as he of course had much more important manly things to occupy his mind with - I could be projecting the reason for this but her tone with him was much more forgiving with him that with me. DP was also annoyed at this as he felt that going straight me to was undermining him as a parent.

OP posts:
Riverside2 · 26/02/2018 12:09

YANBU on all accounts!

glad you called DP to the door.

also I was veggie at 12 and could certainly organise myself!

DullAndOld · 26/02/2018 12:10

oh honestly just ignore her.
If you see her, smile and wave.

RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 12:12

Oh well done OP. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.

Surely anyway, a 12 year old vegetarian knows what meat looks like? Maybe she is a reluctant vegetarian and is having values pushed upon her.

BlueMirror · 26/02/2018 12:13

Seems the dd isn’t as veggie as her parent would like her to be!
One of my kids is 8 and has allergies and is capable of avoiding the foods they can’t eat. At 12 if you don’t want to eat meat you won’t eat meat. The pepperoni smelt too good. Not your fault. I hope your dp told her to sling her hook.

RowenasDiadem · 26/02/2018 12:13

Sounds like the mother is a vegetarian trying to force her daughter to be vegetarian too. The girl is plenty old enough to opt for the vegetarian alternatives if she CHOOSES TO. Which clearly, she didn't.
I feel for the kid. Yes the mother shouldn't have to buys prepare and cook meat for her daughter but if her daughter chooses to eat meat outside the home then good for her.

SweetMoon · 26/02/2018 12:14

What a stupid woman. I'm assuming her dd didn't die after eating the pepperoni! And at 12, she is perfectly capable of eating what she wants at a party!

Sounds like the girl doesn't want to be veggie and the mother is forcing it, or she's too cosseted to know that's a piece of bloody salami, which is meat!

Either way, the woman is quite clearly odd. Feel sorry for the girl, just forget this woman, don't let her ruin your day!

PinkHeart5914 · 26/02/2018 12:15

Yanbu!

At 12 the child knew she was a veggie, you ordered veggie pizza that went untouched. I think 12 is old enough to try pepperoni if they wish too and no way would I be standing over a 12 year old reminding them they are veggie and not to eat the meat pizza.

Also strange to ask for you to moan too, clearly having a vagina means it’s all your fault!

Crazy woman, just ignore her

KC225 · 26/02/2018 12:25

Bloody hell that is ridiculous. The woman is a loon. She maybe vegetarian but clearly her daughter doesn't want to be. A 12 year old is more than capable of stating dietary requirements.

Before I had kids, I worked with a woman who went go vegetarian (I am too for over 40 years) and her rule was she made vegetarian food at home but she turned a blind eye to what the teenagers ate outside the home. She said she would ask If her sixteen year old had eaten and he would reply 'yeah' if she asked 'What?' She said he would put his hand on her arm and say 'I'm not going to lie mum, I crossed over to the dark side'. She explained that usually meant a dirty kebab or a burger. It was a family joke.

Ignore the woman. She is an idiot.

bricksareheavy · 26/02/2018 12:26

Oh wow, YANBU!
What did she expect you to do, physically restrain her daughter from eating pepperoni and force-feed her slices of veggie supreme?!

HoppingPavlova · 26/02/2018 12:27

Try having kids who are older teens who have friends whose parents will not let them visit on the basis we have meat in the house and the kids may try it. They are only allowed to visit fully vegetarian households. Had one parent tell me if their kids tried meat they would be thrown out of home. That level of crazy exists. I really don’t think it’s the way to encourage a vegetarian diet in kids and think that it would cause teens to rebel if nothing else. If anything tell teens to eat meat and then they’ll become vege just to rebel and be a pain in the arse Grin.

Trinity66 · 26/02/2018 12:35

What did your DP say to her? At 12 she should know what meat looks like herself(clearly she does and just wanted to eat it) and if the mother was so concerned did she specifically tell you all beforehand that her DD was vegetarian?

Garmadonsmum · 26/02/2018 12:37

I'm a vegetarian mum of vegetarian children. I would hope you would check on what the 6 year old ate but not the 9 year old - if he eats meat it's because he wants to though it goes against our family values but I wouldn't stop him.
I would feel uncomfortable applying the same logic if a Jewish or Muslim child was at my house though, I really wouldn't want them going home haven't broken religious rules even if it was their choice Confused

Glumglowworm · 26/02/2018 12:41

YANBU

Veggie option was there, she’s 12 and she chose to eat pepperoni

One does wonder why she told her mum that though! With a mother like that I’d have fibbed and told her of course I only ate the veggie pizza!

windchimesabotage · 26/02/2018 12:43

YANBU I am also veggie with a veggie child and I would not have expected this. Especially at 12 years old. Thats massively controlling. I wont buy or cook meat myself and my family all know that, but what anyone chooses to do outside of my home is up to them.... and its especially not up to some one elses mother to police!! That woman was being incredibly cheeky. Its not like the only food you offered contained meat, they chose their own food! Which at 12 years old is pretty normal.

StealthPolarBear · 26/02/2018 12:45

Yanbu on all counts

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 12:46

You're right on all counts, OP.

So sad that some women perpetuate this behaviour.

Slowtrain2dawn · 26/02/2018 12:46

You cannot police what they eat at 12! If I actually witnessed a vegetarian child picking up the meat option, I might gently point out it was the meat one, and check they knew what they were doing, but at 12 I still couldn’t stop them.
YANBU.

Helmetbymidnight · 26/02/2018 12:48

She's an idiot.

Don't worry about it.

Original poster
PikaPikaTink · 26/02/2018 12:53

I am glad it isn’t just me. I didn’t know the girl was a vegetarian – she actually picked out a vegetarian pizza for herself so I assume that she tried some of someone else’s.
What bothered me the most was the assumption that as the woman child supervision what my responsibility even though DP was there.

OP posts:
upsideup · 26/02/2018 12:54

I have 3, 4, 8, 10 year old vegetarians and they sort them selves at by not eating meat! The little two I would normally be there but if not would maybe expect the parent to check if it was like hidden meat but even a 3 dd knows a pepperoni pizza is not something she wants to eat. But even if she was accidently given a piece of meat she's not going to die, I wouldnt make a big deal about it because I dont actually mind if she wants to eat meat then she can, if she did so by accident I would explain to her that its okay and would definately never get mad at the parents.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/02/2018 12:54

YANBU in any respect. She is. You did't force the pepperoni down the child's throat and being a veggie is not a religion.

RaininSummer · 26/02/2018 12:58

NBU - well done on every part of that OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2018 13:03

The average 6/7 year old knows not to eat meat if they are vegetarian and what it looks like. Obviously if I had a child of that age over, I’d only offer vegetarian food. But by 12, a child can make up their own mind and police themselves.

diddl · 26/02/2018 13:05

If the girl chose a vegetarian pizza there's nothing more that you can do as no one would be expecting you to supervise eating at that age!

Wonder how her mum found out?

ittakes2 · 26/02/2018 13:06

Thats ridiculous. My son's friend has a diary allergy and from the age of 4 knew what did and did not have diary in it. sounds to me like her veggie daughter wanted the excuse of trying something non veggie for the night!