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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed about DSD’s friends mum – Step parenting, wife-work & vegetarian children

43 replies

PikaPikaTink · 26/02/2018 12:08

NC as I am paranoid about being recognised.

This made me angry (I have pmt so perhaps more angry than is reasonable.)

This weekend it was DP’s daughter 12th birthday and DP and I hosted the party which entailed buying a selection of Domino’s pizzas, pop crisps, etc and leaving them to it in the living room with music, some games (although she referred to them as activities as she is no longer a child). DP and I shared a bottle of wine, over a dominos had a cuddle and watched a film in our room. It reminded me of dating in flatshares 😊. Every so often DP or I “needed something from downstairs” so we could check on them but it was clear we weren’t welcome and were an embarrassment.

The next day a lady who I recognised as one of the mothers came to the front door. DP answered and she asked for me and proceeded to attempt to tell me off for the fact that her daughter had had some pepperoni pizza and was a vegetarian and that I should been supervising to prevent this.

This has incensed me as firstly, I let the girls choose their pizzas and there were a few veggie options there was uneaten veggie pizza left over. I didn’t even know that this girl was a vegetarian and at 12 I think it would have been inappropriate for me to police whether or not she ate meat even if I had known. I think DSD would have died with embarrassment if I had attempted to join the party by sitting in the living room to supervise.

Secondly, and this is the main thing, DP answered the door and she asked for me even though he is the parent and I am not which I can only assume is because I am female! I dealt with her by not entering into the dialogue but calling DP back to talk to her to make the point that he is the parent and her tone with him was much more polite as he of course had much more important manly things to occupy his mind with - I could be projecting the reason for this but her tone with him was much more forgiving with him that with me. DP was also annoyed at this as he felt that going straight me to was undermining him as a parent.

OP posts:

MrsPreston11 · 26/02/2018 13:13

The blame lies with the 12 year old, nothing to do with you.

Here's the thing I don't get.

Why did she tell her mum she ate pepperoni? Makes me think the mum is a bit over obsessed with it all, the second she came in the door "DID YOU EAT MEAT?"

She ordered a veggie pizza, then what, maybe tried a slice of pepperoni?

Why'd she go telling her mum making it sound like you gave her no other choice?

SpringEquinox · 26/02/2018 13:15

They were 12, not 8 - you did the right level of supervision. If it was for food intolerance it would have been right for the parent to have mentioned this, in case they got ill via accidental cross contamination, but the child would have been well drilled in this. There were appropriate foods there and the little minx tried meat anyway - wasn't ill but presumably felt guilty and told the mother. She has absolutely no right to berate you about the girl deviating from their family's lifestyle choice. Ridiculous. Unless she is suggesting that there was bullying or manipulation by the other girls into eating the pepperoni but it doesn't sound like that and I am sure the mother would have included that in her complaint.

As for who she addressed at the door - in a case like that, my husband probably would have called me to talk about it, but merely because I would have known the children and their parents.

She sounds like hard work.

lostherenow · 26/02/2018 13:16

Yes thats ridiculous. It would have been bad if you had only provided meat pizza and nothing vegetarian, but if veggie was available, and she chose to eat something else, thats her choice. Unless the girl has lived an isolated life in a veggie cult up until this point, she knows pepperoni is meat. And her friends will have known it too.

chocatoo · 26/02/2018 13:17

YANBU!!

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 26/02/2018 13:19

I must admit Op when I read your post the main thing that leapt out at me was the fact that she asked for you to have a go at, instead of the actual parent, like you say, just because you are the female so obviously in charge of the catering. Well done for calling your DP back to deal with, it was insulting to him and you & you called her on it.

Sarahjconnor · 26/02/2018 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flumpybear · 26/02/2018 13:41

If she comes back to you at school or whatever just tell her how you feel

Pusses me off that women feel the need to ignore equality - also agree that perhaps the child doesnt want to be veggie either

RockinHippy · 26/02/2018 13:41

YADNBU !!

She's barking mad & I don't mean angry. If my vegetarian DD at 12 chose to eat meat, that would be her choice as she was old enough t understand & make that decision for herself. If she wasn't old enough, then it would be MY fault as I hadn't informed the host she wasn't to eat meat.

As for insisting on speaking with you, again, that would seriously pee me off too

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 26/02/2018 13:47

Oh you should have nipped this in gig bud immediately op.

You don’t police a 12 year olds food unless it’s allergy related so tell her at 12 it’s the girls choice. She’s clearly not a vegetarian.

Tell her mum she needs to allow her daughter to Make her own choices. Poor kids probably mortified.

Urubu · 26/02/2018 14:01

YANBU about the pizza and even less U about calling DH back to the door. So strange that she didn't just talk to the adult that opened the door!

Hillarious · 26/02/2018 14:11

You don’t police a 12 year olds food unless it’s allergy related so tell her at 12 it’s the girls choice. She’s clearly not a vegetarian.

I had the reverse of this when my youngest was 11 and decided he wanted to be vegetarian. I was tempted to ignore his request, but decided that was not respectful of him and his opinions and was giving the wrong message to him if I expect him to be respectful of me. He's been well aware since that time of what he's eating, as was your daughter's friend when she willingly at a slice of pepperoni pizza when a vegetarian one was also available.

It's the mum who has the issues, not you. YANBU, and you (and we all) know it.

splendide · 26/02/2018 14:16

The asking for you is a really good example of everyday sexism. That would have made me really angry.

Clandestino · 26/02/2018 14:22

Just consider yourself lucky she's a vegetarian and not a vegan. You'd probably end up assaulted by yet another peaceful religious bigot because you made her daughter a cannibal.
I get you are upset because she wanted to deal with you. She's probably one of those "traditional" Mums who feel like a man is only the financial sponsor and as such shouldn't be troubled with "wimin's" issues.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 26/02/2018 14:33

My 6 year old niece knows to ask if there is certain ingredients in food (allergies). She is SIX.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/02/2018 14:47

You'd probably end up assaulted by yet another peaceful religious bigot because you made her daughter a cannibal

I don't think the OP mentioned religious reason for the diet, not sure how that is relevant.

heron98 · 26/02/2018 15:41

Surely at 12 it's up to her if she eats meat or not? Even if the mum wants her to be veggie she's old enough to make her own choices.

Remote1candles · 26/02/2018 15:51

I'm vegetarian and have brought my children up the same. If they chose to eat meat when out with their friends, then that is up to them. At my son's 11th birthday party, one of the children said in advance that he didn't eat cheese on pizza, so I checked what he did eat and made sure he had his own non-cheese pizza. But I didn't check that he didn't have a try of anyone else's food.

I did make sure that the sweets in the party bags did not have gelatine in them, as Muslim and Sikh children usually can't eat gelatine either. I took my son and 2 friends home from another party a while before and on the way home helped them work out which of the sweets in the party bag they could eat, which was sadly none of them as they all had gelatine in, which they couldn't eat. However they all knew what they could and couldn't eat, and take responsibility for it, or ask an adult to help them check, as does my daughter's friend who is allergic to eggs.

Norma27 · 26/02/2018 17:02

I have been veggie pretty much since I was about 5. At that age tho I ate meat I didn’t realise was meat. My choice to be veggie, not parents.
At 12 I would have known if a pizza contained meat and decided whether to eat it or not. Definitely a case of parents forcing vegetarianism on their children.
My daughters eat meat altho not much as I don’t cook loads but don’t stop them eating what they want. My eldest often states she is veggie so that she doesn’t have to eat meat she doesn’t want to. My 3 yr old eats nothing and probably no meat currently but eats things with animal products.
I believe it is up to the children if they decide to be veggie later or it not.

Why should you police somebody else’s child re meat? They know what it is and if they can/want to eat it.
Xx

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