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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He wouldnt leave

56 replies

Twocatsonebaby · 26/02/2018 09:44

So all last week dp was begging me to join my mom on a trip an hour and a half away to my aunts. He begged me and said he needed his own time for himself. I've gone back on maternity leave now as I'm 35 weeks pregnant but he's done most of looking after dd whilst I've been at work. She's 10 months old. (before people slate me, ds was not planned. My contraceptive failed and although I considered abortion and adoption, I can't do it. I'll just have to manage). I can understand him wanting 5 mins. But he's been let go from his job. He has 5 mins when she's napping etc.
I do everything. Pay all the bills, all the housework and I won't lie, I'm really struggling. I'm in so much pain.
He constantly moans at me. Constantly tells me I have a week to get rid of the cat, which is my company being as though he's gaming all the time with his friends online. Ive had to sell everything precious to me to pay bills.. You get the idea. I'm depressed because of him.

So I went out Saturday. I felt shit as I have sciatica. I didn't eat or drink all day cause my aunt didn't offer and there's no shops around her. I took dd so had to try and keep her routine normal which I struggled to do. I was tied, weak and wanted to come home to my privacy to eat something.
So I gave him strict instructions I wanted the house spotless. SPOTLESS. I messaged him to help me get dd out the car too as I had all her bags etc. He wasn't waiting for us.
I walked in to find the house a real tip. An I'm not exaggerating. There were his friends round which I weren't informed were coming. Girls (who his friends bought) who don't like me. KFC chicken everywhere. He hadn't made dd a bottle to come home to. He didn't even say hello.

I went upstairs. Did dd a bottle and went up. He came up after I'd been there for about an hour in my room trying desperately to get dd to sleep and I told him to basically fuck off. I'd had enough and wanted him to go back to his family. His friends could drive him back home. I put some clothes in a bad for him and threw them down the stairs and told him he wasn't welcome anymore. My home isn't a damn hotel and I won't be treated that way.

So anyway, as soon as he went back downstairs, he kicked everyone out and then tidied everywhere. He then left. (I was upstairs.) by this point, I locked the door and I went to bed with dd. I woke up about half hour later to see flowers and chocolate. (not good enough to me) and he hadn't gone home. He decided to stay.

An he still won't damn leave. Im barely speaking to him. I'm so angry.
Is this unreasonable? I think he's staying until ds is born but I don't understand why he doesn't just leave. He's doing nothing for me and won't go.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 26/02/2018 10:06

LeechBoy is simply panicking that the gravy train has run dry.

GET HIM OUT- tell him you will be calling the police if he doesn't leave. Call the cousin back and ask them to come and get him before you have him removed.

He's a using scumbag

Withhindsight · 26/02/2018 10:08

Yes, change locks and both you and your dad serve notice to quit. He is a sponge and has no one else to sponge off. You are an easy ride which is why he's not moving and now doing desperate things like flowers and chocolates which you should be furious about, him thinking he can suddenly tidy the house etc and try to delight you with normal behaviour. It shows how low his bar is - you are right, get rid of him. There is no reason why you can't get back together in 5-10 years if/when he has shown he can be responsible for himself and able to then care/ contribute to your family life in a positive way

Original poster

Twocatsonebaby · 26/02/2018 10:10

I'd never stop him seeing our children an he can be there for the birth of ds. I'm allowing that. But I don't think I want him back ever. I can't keep doing this to myself. The only man I need is ds now.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2018 10:14

Could he know be classed as the Primary Carer of your DD?

I know that we know the backstory, but he to an outsider, he had friends in and then tidied up.

There's SAHP, Women, on here, who ask their DPs to go out with the children to give them a break, so again, to a Court, that's not unreasonable.

You need legal advice. There is a lot of wrong advice on here about throwing (always male) Partners out.

Its worth the cost to know how you stand, especially in terms of residency.

Sparklesocks · 26/02/2018 10:14

He sounds like a man baby who hasn’t grown up. You are his mum, not his partner.
Get him out and change the locks, you deserve an equal not a sponge.

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2018 10:15

You can't give a Partner notice to quit.

He could leave with your DD.

You need legal advice.

ginghamstarfish · 26/02/2018 10:18

Yes call the police or at least 101 to start with. And please don't bother to visit your aunt again if she can't provide you with food or drink, whether you're pregnant and unwell or not!

TeeBee · 26/02/2018 10:19

Don't you know a big strapping friend who can enthusiastically help him move along?

RandomDreams · 26/02/2018 10:19

You need legal advice, unless he's abusive the police will do fuck all.

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2018 10:20

"Don't you know a big strapping friend who can enthusiastically help him move along?"

That will show that the OP is capable of violence and could get her removed.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/02/2018 10:23

If the house belongs to OP's father, this man can be made to leave; he has no right to stay in the house when he is unwelcome there.

Original poster

Twocatsonebaby · 26/02/2018 10:23

I dont want violence or anything around my dcs. He can be emotionally abusive so there's no way I want more confrontation with him.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2018 10:31

"If the house belongs to OP's father, this man can be made to leave; he has no right to stay in the house when he is unwelcome there."

Its not as simple as that, unless the OP has a tenancy agreement in her name. Which could be done.

OP, emotional abuse is now an offence. Go and get legal advice. Especially as he has done most of the care for your DD. If you had to stay in hospital after the Birth, he would need somewhere to take your DD. You can't dictate what happens. It may suit him to take advantage of the situation and not be at the Birth.

Don't underestimate how he might be if it's over for good.

GabsAlot · 26/02/2018 10:33

youve asked this before just kick him out and change the locks its not hard he cant come back in then can he

what he going to do its not his house

Ellie56 · 26/02/2018 10:38

Are you the OP who started the thread about paying rent to and buying the house off the useless Dad who won't go to a solicitor to sort the sale out and has a shed load of debt?

TeeBee · 26/02/2018 10:40

There's no need for violence at all. Just often the presence of a big strapping fella is enough to get things done. Some people prey on politeness and people not willing to draw strong boundaries. Sometimes those people need to know you will stand by what you say.

Dragongirl10 · 26/02/2018 10:40

OP, please take a deep breath, it is really simple,

when he is out get a locksmith to change the locks,

pack up his things and leave them outside/in the garage/ at his friends

text him IT IS OVER.

Three small things will stop this, but you have to do it, or you could wast many, many more hours here complaining about him.....

I hope it gets better for you

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2018 10:42

GabsAlot you can break into your own home, its his place of residence, where he lives with his child.

GabsAlot · 26/02/2018 10:49

does he have proof of that birds?

he doesnt pay bills rent or anything

GabsAlot · 26/02/2018 10:51

and hes not primary carer anymore the op is at home

fluffyrobin · 26/02/2018 10:52

The longer you delay the worst it will be.

Bite the bullet, change the locks and alert the police to what you've done so that if he kicks off they can advise and be on hand if he gets nasty.

You really have nothing to lose as he has lost all respect for you and is just using you, you know this.

How dare he treat you, the pregnant mother of his dc like this. He really is the lowest of the low and you know what to do so just do it fgs.

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed · 26/02/2018 10:57

You can save locksmith money. Go to B& Q (other businesses available) and buy a replacement barrell. Or indeed get your dad/landlord to so he can't do it if you leave. It is a five minute job.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 11:10

I can't believe people like Deathstare and ADayGivingMeHope are giving you advice to talk to this abusive, lazy cocklodger!

Op, just get the locks changed and throw his stuff out. You can do it.

SlothMama · 26/02/2018 11:19

Change the locks and kick him out! He needs to get a job and stop leeching off you, what an utter disgrace of a person.

JaneEyre70 · 26/02/2018 11:24

I think your best idea would be to go to your local Police station and ask for their advice on how to go about this. You need to make sure that you don't have to let him back in, or make any mistakes as he will be even harder to get rid of then. Don't take any action without knowing that you are legally covered by it.

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