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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would do about this boy?

36 replies

Beehivesandhoney · 26/02/2018 08:33

Have name changed.

Dd is almost 15 and in year ten. Last year she had some lessons with the year above who are now year eleven and in this class was a boy who she was friends with.

The boy fancied dds friend and it wasn't reciprocated. He pushed and pushed trying to use dd to try and get this girl on side but she wasn't interested so he turned nasty.

He made some really horrible comments including saying he wanted to 'piss on her' if he didn't get his own way with her.

Dd has sen and was upset about this, she is very 'right and wrong' and so she reported the comments back to her female friend. She then against my advice told the boy she had told her. Her social skills are rubbish and tbh the last year or so is the first time she has had friends rather than bumbled round on her own, her self esteem is pretty poor at times and she has previously been bullied.

Telling the friend has obviously caused a shit fire.

The boy is now targeting dd and being quite horrid. Telling her
Everyone hates you they just pretend to like you.
You are ugly
No one will ever want you
You are going to always be alone
Etc etc.
He knows she has been bullied in the past. He has removed dd from the group they all use to talk on and tried to exclude her in general.

Dd is getting quite upset about this but won't tell a member of staff and doesn't want me to.

She isn't entirely innocent in all this and has starting shouting back at him which again I've advised against. She has told him that no wonder he is a longer if he treats people like that and no doubt shouted back more at him.

So I'm a bit stuck as she is definitely fueling the fire but he is still out of order!

OP posts:
ferntwist · 26/02/2018 08:37

He sounds disgusting. You and DD need to get staff involved.

ferntwist · 26/02/2018 08:37

And she’s not done anything wrong!

ADayGivingMeHope · 26/02/2018 08:38

Good on your DD for standing up for herself and her friend!

Does she still have her friend to talk to and hang around with at school?

I would tell the teachers - this boy should not be getting away with being such a nasty bully! It might be tough in the short term but worth it in the long run.

ElectricWhale · 26/02/2018 08:38

I'm GLAD she stood up for herself & snarled some things back. She should have done more snarling back not less.

"He has removed dd from the group they all use to talk on and tried to exclude her in general. " What group -- does he own it? Instagram group? why does he have power over her social life? Where are her friends, why aren't they standing up for her & telling him off? Why don't they start their own chat group & not include him in it?

ADayGivingMeHope · 26/02/2018 08:38

I second that your dd has done nothing wrong!

SunsetOnTheHorizon · 26/02/2018 08:40

A member of school staff needs to be alerted. I know she doesn't want the teachers to know but this could get ugly.

Young hormonal boys not getting the girl he wants could lead him to do something much worse.

Speak to a teacher yourself as you are concerned about your dds safety at school and try and resolve maybe with a sit down with the teacher.

Not sure what methods the teachers use to resolve these issues but as a parent, act now.

SunsetOnTheHorizon · 26/02/2018 08:42

And a nasty bully is exactly what he is. He needs putting back in his box!

ElectricWhale · 26/02/2018 08:43

Maybe you could talk her around to being supportive of you contacting the school.

The problem with being bullied is you take it to heart: you think it's your own fault that people are horrible to you ,that you're intrinsically an inferior person who deserves no better. So then you're embarrassed to draw attention to the fact that you can't stand up for yourself.

If that's her mindset, then you have a chance to talk her around to seeing that NOBODY deserves to be treated like crap, and that anyone with decent self-esteem would fight him back by involving adults to stop him picking on her.

HollyBayTree · 26/02/2018 08:43

You need to proactively parent the situation. Would you really stand back and let her be bullied?

Original poster
Beehivesandhoney · 26/02/2018 08:46

Thank you.
I'm glad she is standing up for herself too. It is something we have had big issues with.
I'm just worried that it will be seen as tit for tat when really he's been awful. In the past (at her old school) we have had issues with victim blaming for bullying as dd would openly go and tell the teacher if she saw a child breaking a school rule.

The group was on what's app. She is in other groups on there (damn social media) but this is a group that all of the year 10/11s are in (small school)

OP posts:
sparklyshoes16 · 26/02/2018 08:47

Speak to the schools pastoral team ASAP things like this will get much nastier very quickly!! Educate your daughter to not engage with this person at all!

If the the other girl is a real friend they will not engage either and they go about doing their own thing! So glad I not their age!! Would hate to be a teenager now with all this technology and pressure to help make people's lives a complete misery! Try to be honest and open about her social skills and properly talk to her about the types of people she will come across and how to handle situations...again definitely get the school involved ASAP.

sparklyshoes16 · 26/02/2018 08:48

Sorry for the typos!

Original poster
Beehivesandhoney · 26/02/2018 08:48

Of course not Holly that's why I'm asking for advice on the best way to deal with it against my dds wishes.

OP posts:
ADayGivingMeHope · 26/02/2018 08:49

100% Speak to the school today.

How does he have the power to remove her from a whole year WhatsApp group?

HuskyMcClusky · 26/02/2018 08:53

He’s a bullying, misogynistic little prick in the making.

I’d be up to the school like a bullet (and I’m not usually the type). He’s picking on a younger girl with SEN and low self-esteem. Fuck him. Stick up for your daughter.

Original poster
Beehivesandhoney · 26/02/2018 08:53

I don't know how he has removed her. I keep an eye out for stuff on WhatsApp but don't know how it works.
I think the kids rather than school set up the group (there's a parents one too) but not sure if anyone can add or remove.
I know he is very good at computers.

OP posts:
ElectricWhale · 26/02/2018 08:56

The WhatsApp group is owned by someone... I think? The owner is only one who can remove members. Either Bolshy Boy owns the group or he pressured the owner into removal. Not On.

Their mutual acquaintences need to convince him them both to be civilised tolerating each other. They don't have to talk to each other at all.

Buxbaum · 26/02/2018 09:07

Bully will be the owner or an admin of the WhatsApp group.

Please talk to the school, OP. He sounds utterly vile. Was his conduct towards DD's female friend reported at the time? It might be worth discussing with her and with her parents, too.

WinnieFosterTether · 26/02/2018 09:14

I'd tell the school. If you can't get DD to support you in that then tell the school you are reporting it as a parent and want them to make sure your DD isn't being isolated in school.
They could also have an assembly about social media, bullying, etc. Our school had a similar situation with a social media group being used for bullying. They emailed all the parents and told them to speak to their DCs, as well as having an assembly about it.

rocketgirl22 · 26/02/2018 09:18

I would be teaching her how to shut him out, completely blank him. It is a life skill and this is a good opportunity.
She tells him that she does not want to talk to him anymore that he is to stop talking to her calmly but firmly. Then no communication, no shouting back (although I too am very pleased she stood up for herself)

She can set up her own whatsapp group minus the vile boy.

No point for her to be in the whatsapp group if he is there. Friend should be encouraged to leave too, and others. Shut him out completely.

I would quietly report it to the school, and tell them the level of abuse directed at them, and the worrying stalking tendencies. They need to know to protect your dd and the other girls.

Affirming your daughter's strength, intelligence and beauty to counter the vile abuse he is levelling at her.

Keep a close eye on this.

Original poster
Beehivesandhoney · 26/02/2018 09:20

I'm not sure if the girl reported his behaviour at the time. From what dd said he really was quite full on at the time. I suspect she brushed it off more than anything as she is very confident and of the fuck you kind of attitude.

OP posts:
nocampinghere · 26/02/2018 09:21

with many of my dc's whatsapp groups, everyone is an admin and can add/remove members.

Her friends should be sticking up for her.
But yes alert the school. you have to. he sounds like a right piece of work.

Original poster
Beehivesandhoney · 26/02/2018 09:23

Thanks Rocket.

'I would be teaching her how to shut him out, completely blank him. It is a life skill and this is a good opportunity'

Yes this is what I meant, I'm really glad she stuck up for herself which is massive progress but at the same time her standing and shouting nasty stuff back won't help anything and it's then viewed as a tit for tat situation. When it isn't.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 26/02/2018 09:25

The group is 'owned' by the person who set it up so yes he can add or remove anyone!

He's a bully and your DD has done nothing wrong. Teachers will be aware of her lack of social skills and can help calm the situation down.

If she won't speak up you need to have a quiet word with school and ask them to step in - they can be quite good at 'I've heard ...... ' rather than 'your mums been in saying .....'

taffett · 26/02/2018 09:27

How awful, your poor ddSad
Please contact the school, even though it's against her wishes, this needs to be sorted by adult intervention before it has the chance to escalate any further!

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