To ask what you would do about this boy?

[Beehivesandhoney]

Have name changed.

Dd is almost 15 and in year ten. Last year she had some lessons with the year above who are now year eleven and in this class was a boy who she was friends with.

The boy fancied dds friend and it wasn't reciprocated. He pushed and pushed trying to use dd to try and get this girl on side but she wasn't interested so he turned nasty.

He made some really horrible comments including saying he wanted to 'piss on her' if he didn't get his own way with her.

Dd has sen and was upset about this, she is very 'right and wrong' and so she reported the comments back to her female friend. She then against my advice told the boy she had told her. Her social skills are rubbish and tbh the last year or so is the first time she has had friends rather than bumbled round on her own, her self esteem is pretty poor at times and she has previously been bullied.

Telling the friend has obviously caused a shit fire.

The boy is now targeting dd and being quite horrid. Telling her
Everyone hates you they just pretend to like you.
You are ugly
No one will ever want you
You are going to always be alone
Etc etc.
He knows she has been bullied in the past. He has removed dd from the group they all use to talk on and tried to exclude her in general.

Dd is getting quite upset about this but won't tell a member of staff and doesn't want me to.

She isn't entirely innocent in all this and has starting shouting back at him which again I've advised against. She has told him that no wonder he is a longer if he treats people like that and no doubt shouted back more at him.

So I'm a bit stuck as she is definitely fueling the fire but he is still out of order!

Your dd is 14, she does not necessarily know what's best for her - it's up to you as her parent to protect her.
Tell the school!!!

So I'm a bit stuck as she is definitely fueling the fire

She is not fuelling the fire. She is standing up for herself. Good on her.
The boy’s ego is hurt, which is a major issue for some men to deal with, so I don’t see this problem going away by itself. Get the school involved.

'they can be quite good at 'I've heard ...... ' rather than 'your mums been in saying .....'

Yes I don't want to break her trust and her to stop telling me when things happen so this is a good idea thank you.

Why doesn’t she want to tell a teacher?
Maybe a chat around that might be helpful?

Well doesn't he sound like a bullying rapist in the making?

I'd have to give her the "blank him out you are amazing" talk, but would also have to speak to the school and tell her why it is necessary and the right thing to do.

The viscous bit of me would also want to collar his mother and tell her he likes to threaten to piss on girls who won't be with him to see if she knows.

Silverdale - that's not vicious, I'd be making sure his mother knew what kind of things he's getting up to. I'd be horrified and ashamed and very angry if that was my son doing that.

Shedmice she has always had issues with telling the teacher if someone has been nasty to her. It's been like this since primary as her experience is that it's always made it worse not better.
I. E when she was physically assaulted at primary school by the 'class bully' resulting in a hospital visit during a dinner lady organised whole class game on the playground she was blamed for going near her, (dinner lady said that the girl ran at her)
When she complained the same bully was stealing her things while dd was in sen sessions she was told it was because the bully was jealous she had nice pens.
When the bully slammed dds hand in the door intentionally she was told that she sees things differently to others.

So she doesn't have the trust that they will sort it or it won't her worse.

I don't know Mum but I do know that he comes from a very very strict religious upbringing where Mum wouldn't allow him to have girlfriends anyway. When dd was friends with him before he started becoming like this his Mum was furious he was texting a girl even though they were just friend.

So she doesn't have the trust that they will sort it or it won't her worse.

You are spot on here! Happens so much in juniors school.

High schools are much better equipped at dealing with issues.

Would it Help if you tell her that she isn't doing this for herself.

She's doing it for his next target. And the one after that. And the one after that. If he is pulled up NoW for being a bully he's got more chance to reform to be a nicer person & not make other people suffer. Think of all those creepy men who started small & escalated to all sorts of abuse against women. If they had been confronted early on they might have reformed their ways. At least she can walk away with clean conscience that she isn't one of the people who let him get away with this crap.

If she can find some bravery, She can do a lot of good for a lot of future women.

Telling a teacher, particularly with SN’s is always difficult. Particularly when you don’t feel listened to or believed. We have been there too.

Maybe you could talk to her and explain why it’s important that this kind of behaviour should not be tolerated? And that you will support her, ensuring it is dealt with and stopped. Make an appointment with HT for you both?