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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re date for burial of ashes?

41 replies

Familyfallout · 25/02/2018 19:38

Really want to know if IABU as think I have lost all perspective. DGM died 3 years ago and a cremation was held a month later followed by a wake in her home town about 4 hours away. My cousin was executor of will (retired solicitor). It took several years to sort out the estate. My cousin emailed me then to say she was ill so could I sort out burial of the ashes. I liaised with the funeral directors and stonemason to get the family headstone lifted and engraved. I then arranged childcare via my mum for my youngest DD and confirmed a date with the funeral director nearly 4 weeks away. I then posted the date on family whatsapp saying any input in the burial was welcome. My DB came back within a few hours to leave the family chat and then sent me a separate private chat message calling me a first class c* and insulting my religion, and that I was burying his DGM without him.

WIBU? On reflection it obviously upset him deeply, and in order to avoid his reaction I would have been better to consult him before setting a date, but WIBU in not thinking it would be a big deal and the actual cremation shortly after she died was the more significant occasion?

OP posts:
steff13 · 25/02/2018 19:41

So the date you've chosen is a significant date in your/his religion?

littlemissrain · 25/02/2018 19:42

No YABVU, you should definitely have checked that everyone who wanted to could come first.

Why do you even need a set date with a funeral director? You can scatter ashes any time, almost any place.

iklboo · 25/02/2018 19:45

The ashes aren't being scattered. They're being placed in a family plot, which needs a funeral director to arrange in some places.

LivingInMidnight · 25/02/2018 19:55

You've said you arranged childcare before confirming the date. It might have been a good idea to give everyone else a chance to check their calendars too before confirming.

confusedlittleone · 25/02/2018 19:57

I agree with @LivingInMidnight

codenameduchess · 25/02/2018 20:01

DGM died 3 years ago? Is he upset it's taken so long to bury the ashes?

Original poster
Familyfallout · 25/02/2018 20:37

The date was not significant in terms of religion. It is an 8 hour round trip to my DGM home town so I wanted to be sure it was going to be a date I could get time off work and get childcare, plus that the funeral director could do. The ashes were to be buried in the plot so it did all need booking with the churchyard. They don't do it at weekends so had to be a weekday. I picked a Friday so it would be hander if people did want to travel and stay overnight. DB may well have been upset about the length of time taken to bury the ashes as was I, hence my desire, once allocated the job from my cousin, to get on with it.

OP posts:
Whydomypubeslooklikeanest · 25/02/2018 20:42

I can see why he is upset. You've arranged the date around your life, but you haven't taken his needs into account. The date should have been discussed beforehand so everyone important could be there. You say it isn't a big deal but made sure you can be there .

Is there any way to rearrange?

Original poster
Familyfallout · 25/02/2018 20:54

I ended up cancelling it and just going up for my own goodbye at the grave without the ashes and I'm not sure if they have been buried or not. I accept IWBU then as you all unanimously think I should have been canvassing for dates first. My Step mother didn't ask me if the date she picked for DF funeral was convenient for me so I didn't think think a was a thing - just like weddings, christenings etc person organising picks the date. Anyway - since DB then got nasty in the message with insults and foul language, do you think I should apologise to him? If I don't I know he won't contact me again as nearly a year has now passed since all this happened. Thanks again for you perspective - it is really helpful.

OP posts:
SimplyJaded · 25/02/2018 21:01

Sorry but how can you not know if the ashes have been buried or not? Nearly a year later?!?

FuckYouDailyMail · 25/02/2018 21:14

I'm lost here, in your op you make it sound like a current dilemma and then later say this all happened over a year ago.

ilovegin112 · 25/02/2018 21:16

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you gave everyone 4 weeks notice, if it was such a big problem for your brother he should have said nicely not been abusive,

You do need to find out whether your dgm is still at the crematorium, I don't think you need to apologise at all

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/02/2018 21:17

No, I wouldn’t apologise to him as he sounds like a nasty bastard. You could have checked dates before hand but his reaction was way ott.

ilovegin112 · 25/02/2018 21:19

sorry pressed to early

Do you think your brother would have actually of been two faced enough to have gone to the trouble of having her buried? something he had accused you of trying to do

Original poster
Familyfallout · 25/02/2018 21:21

Not a current dilemma but still on my mind a lot, and I am having counselling and these issues are coming up in that.

I do not know if the ashes have been buried - I emailed my DB with details of funeral director and said if he wanted DGM ashes I be buried then he could sort it out. He hasn't contacted me since then.

OP posts:
LIZS · 25/02/2018 21:22

Why did you abandon it rather than rearrange to suit others? Surely someone would have paid for the interment. Btw you can get often choose Saturdays by arrangement.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 25/02/2018 21:26

Funerals are different because they tend to happen within a short time of the death and people can usually drop everything, take compassionate leave etc to attend. There often isn't much choice of date because the crematorium has limited availability.

The ashes can be done any time so there isn't any excuse not to make sure the proposed date suits the people who should be there. These things are very emotive.

redexpat · 25/02/2018 21:28

You should have checked the dates, but dbs reaction was way ott. Is there backstory? Does he feel like you make decisions without consulting generally? Was he miffed that cousin asked you not him to sort it? Does he maybe feel that youre the favourite in the family? There must be some reason surely? Although grief does do funny things to people.

Original poster
Familyfallout · 25/02/2018 21:28

I am not bothered about the ashes themselves. We had the cremation with the service and the wake soon after her death so that was the real goodbye for me. I've been to other cremations, but haven't been to any ashes burials before let alone organised one. DF was buried so it was all on the one day and nobody asked me if the date was ok (step mother and DB actually arranged it although that was not in my mind when arranging this)

OP posts:
ilovegin112 · 25/02/2018 21:33

After your last message I would say he is massively pissed off he wasn't asked to do it, he didn't ask you for input into your df funeral, I personally would have told him to bugger off after that message

SharronNeedles · 25/02/2018 21:42

You don't usually check dates for funerals as explained above by a previous poster.
You hurt his feelings, he reacted badly. Grow up and move on!
Personally I would wonder where the hell my GM was since you've no idea if she was scattered/buried

Original poster
Familyfallout · 25/02/2018 21:52

LIZS I abandoned it because I was shocked by DB foul message. I did email him to take it over. Saturdays were not an option given by the funeral director.

Redexpat - yes in the counselling it has come up that DM thinks DB was jealous of me over the years - not sure how that is my fault though as it was about ordinary things like living close to DM and having DC (he has now got 2 DC though)

ADarkandStormyKnight that is a point which I hadn't considered. I would have presumed you would still get compassionate leave and gave 4 weeks notice, but I was very sad too so keen to just get it done

Ilovegin112 yes we both went no contact since then and that felt fine. I wanted to get other opinions if I had acted badly though as he is my DB and he has 2 young DC which I now don't have contact with (he left the WhatsApp group so no photos or updates and his ex wife moved quite a way away).

OP posts:
GuntyMcGee · 25/02/2018 22:00

I'm afraid I have to agree with others, yes YWBU for not consulting with others who may have wanted to be present and who also may have needed time to make arrangements.

But then your brother was a massive bellend for being so abusive about it.

Personally if it were me in this situation I'd need to know whether the ashes had actually been interred, so would contact the funeral director/crematorium/church to find out whether her ashes have been interred. It would be important to me to know that she's in her specified resting place.

A few years ago a close relative's ashes sat at the funeral director for almost 2 years because the loser next of kin couldn't be bothered to arrange collection and interment, and that was incredibly painful and took a lot of counselling to get over. So I can see where you were coming from that you just wanted to get things sorted.

It's hard to get your head around the fact that the remains of someone you love aren't in their final resting place and are probably just sat on a shelf in an office somewhere. It's a horrible thought.

So I do get that your intentions came from a good place, just that perhaps the way the planning came across to others may have seemed insensitive. But that does not give anyone an excuse to speak to you the way they did.

Original poster
Familyfallout · 25/02/2018 22:23

Thanks GuntyMcGee I really hadn't appreciated the distinction between funeral and ashes burial arrangements. I am actually now finding it weird that I wasn't even invited to DGF and DGGM ashes burial at all given the importance people are placing on it.

I still just don't feel attached to the ashes. To me they are just dust and not related to DGM - I am not keen to reopen my grief by checking if they are in the ground or not. I have made my peace with her in my own way.

Have you got any advice for if i should move forward with DB?

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 25/02/2018 22:26

I think you were both wrong.

You for arranging it without canvassing for dates and him for being such a horrible foulmouthed twerp.