AIBU re date for burial of ashes?

[Familyfallout]

Really want to know if IABU as think I have lost all perspective. DGM died 3 years ago and a cremation was held a month later followed by a wake in her home town about 4 hours away. My cousin was executor of will (retired solicitor). It took several years to sort out the estate. My cousin emailed me then to say she was ill so could I sort out burial of the ashes. I liaised with the funeral directors and stonemason to get the family headstone lifted and engraved. I then arranged childcare via my mum for my youngest DD and confirmed a date with the funeral director nearly 4 weeks away. I then posted the date on family whatsapp saying any input in the burial was welcome. My DB came back within a few hours to leave the family chat and then sent me a separate private chat message calling me a first class c* and insulting my religion, and that I was burying his DGM without him.

WIBU? On reflection it obviously upset him deeply, and in order to avoid his reaction I would have been better to consult him before setting a date, but WIBU in not thinking it would be a big deal and the actual cremation shortly after she died was the more significant occasion?

With regards to your counselling, I wonder if it's worth exploring the issue of family rituals more widely?

It sounds as if there is no 'blueprint' for you, hence confusion over what the expectation is.

Yes I think you are right. I will discuss family rituals as now you've said it there is a theme which I hadn't connected - in the past I felt upset when not invited to DB wedding whereas my DM (also not invited as he only had 2 friends there) wasn't upset and thought it odd that I was. Thanks for making the link.

I agree with PP you were both in the wrong. You for not considering anyone what arrangements anyone else would have to make to be there (I can't imagine not asking my close family if they could make it before booking) and him for reacting the wrong way.
I would say though that the real issue is your relationship with your DB- going NC over one little argument with him is very sad. I would consider reaching out and just being the bigger person. You've lost something way more important than your argument here.
Oh and check with the funeral director. It was in no way your DB's responsibility to sort it just because you sent him one petty angry email! That responsibility was an important one and it was yours alone. He was angry too there's a good chance he ignored you.

I did also tell my cousin so think she will most likely have stepped in as her health was improved and all the prep work was done (plus she lives locally with no DC).

You're right about going NC over one message is sad. I feel backed into a corner as felt so terrible seeing the message he sent me calling me a c* that I couldn't really apologise. Obviously if it had been more civil of course I would have said sorry immediately and rearranged. It just left me with no place to go and still doesn't really after nearly a year.

Any thoughts on the specifics of reaching out to him - what do you actually think might be appropriate in this context?

Canvassing for dates would have been a nightmare. It’s unlikely that there would have been a date where everyone could have managed.

Perhaps you should have checked the date was ok before booking, but it’s unlikely you’d have pleased everyone.

Your DB seems to be overreacting. Is there a reason for this? Is he upset you were chosen over him to make the arrangements? Was he very close to his DGM?

I think these things vary between families. I have no idea where any of my grandparents are. I wish I did know. The omission feels more important as I get older - as young person I didn't really think about it, but now it feels like I'm missing an important point of reference.

How many people were coming to the burial of your DGM’s ashes, ie how many people needed consulted on the date? I’d say 5 then it may have been an idea to agree a date but if it was 10 then perhaps a consensus was not possible. When my mum died I was executor of her will (along with my eldest brother) I have 3 brothers and have never got on with them. I was closest to Mum, I cared for her and she told me what her wishes were in terms of funeral arrangements, ashes, wake etc. My 2 eldest brothers overuled many of these wishes, to the point where I and my remaining brother were hardly acknowledged in her eulogy (the other 2 took centre stage) I also cleared my mum’s house with no help, they did turn up wanting family photos and medals. I understand the conflict a family death can cause and as a result I have no contact with my brothers. I couldn’t maintain a relationship with anyone who had spoken the way your brother did and I would perhaps use the counselling to explore what positives you get from having a relationship with your brother. Maybe you could establish contact with his ex so you stay in touch with the kids? Also, you don’t need to do anything, you could just leave things alone and see what happens. Good luck

In answer to the points above - DB and I were both close to DGM and there were 7 relatives invited in total.

I don't know what I would want out of a relationship with DB in future now this has happened.

Hi Familyfallout,

It sounds like you still really care about this lack of contact with you brother (I would too!) so maybe send your brother a brief message (or letter if he won't respond to an email/whatsapp) and say that you miss him and are sorry for not including anyone else (incl. him) in the decision making when it was important to him. You could also say that you had been told by your cousin to deal with it but that you would like to stay in contact. You could also say that you did cancel the original booking once you realised that it was a problematic date.

His response sounds irrational and he hasn't spoken to you for a year so I wouldn't necessarily expect a reply but at least you won't need to regret anything in the future as you'll have tried your best to stay in contact.

So you picked a date that worked for you and orgnanised everything, and didn't consult anyone else?
Of course he was pissed off with you.

Honestly I would tell him you feel hurt by what happened between you and that you want him and his family in your life. That you're willing to let it be water under the bridge. You don't have to grovel to him if you don't want to. Saying sorry isn't the main thing I don't thing. Then if he can't see it that way then it's his loss and you will at least feel like you tried. If he is petty enough to turn you down when you reach out then you might be well shot of him.

Is it just me who can’t believe the poor woman’s ashes are probably sat in a cupboard at the funeral directors after all this time?

I’m a bit baffled as to why everyone thinks the OP was BU. The funeral happened years ago. This was just to place the ashes - I’m not even clear whether there was any ceremony planned. The OP inherited the task from her cousin, she did the best she could. DB had four weeks notice of the date, he could have raised his objections in a civil manner but he chose to be abusive.

Whatever the issues between the OP and her DB, it isn’t to do with these ashes.

Can't see why you would be baffled. The OP thought it was enough of a big thing that she needed to be there, but didn't care whether anyone else could be there. Asking for input after deciding everything to suit yourself is just rude.

The ashes being interred was quite a big thing for us.

Both my MIL & FIL had quite large cremation services with the wake etc.

The interment of their ashes was kept just for us, immediate family. Our private goodbyes.

I hadn't a clue what sort of service or ceremony to plan as never been invited to this type of event before. I was literally googling . On reflection I am sure that my cousin would have buried the ashes after I couldn't continue the process. She is very reliable.

If I hadn't of had to be there as I was organising it, I would have felt no sentimental attachment to the process of burial of the ashes. In my mind I had said goodbye and honoured my DGM at her actual cremation and wake - I did 2 readings mine and my cousins when she couldn't read hers. If someone else arranged the burial of ashes on a day I couldn't come it wouldn't have bothered me - I would have done my own thing with my DH and DC. But I agree lots of you think IWBU and will go with the majority.

Not sure how to proceed - some good ideas - Thanks- but I still feel so insulted by his language to me I can't get past that. Also have felt a lot of relief since haven't seen him tbh as was often unpleasant with lots of put downs to me, DH and DC. Nice not to have the stress, just miss a relationship with his DC.