MIL.....Grrr! I know IANBU but need allies!

[Gaaahhh]

I know I'm not but how much should I stand up to MIL?

DH is a rather spoilt man-child who has very old fashioned views of M/F roles. I knew this when I married him and was OK with me doing the home stuff as he would be busy doing DIY, cars etc. However, over time he has taken up a couple of quite physical, time consuming hobbies, one of which he has grown into a self employed business. He does make some money at it but has had to hugely remortgage - it will eventually be a worthwhile financial investment but in the interim 25 years or so we see far less of him than we would if he did a normal job. I would prefer he worked 9-5 for his previous employer and had less debt. He then spends two nights a week out and most of Sunday on his other hobbies. He does get tired and I accept that, but it came to a head last Sun when he came home at lunchtime (half cut as usual) and then spent the whole afternoon in front of the TV saying 'sunday is a day of rest'.

I said 'great, I wish I knew that - I won't cook from now on then'. He thought I was joking until he came home this lunchtime and found the sunday roast waiting for him to cook with a list of instructions. (well he sort of knew as he and the kids got the veg ready last night, but I think he thought I would cave in). I picked up his elderly MIL who always comes for lunch and she was clearly horrified, but I kept smiling (had a lovely morning doing stuff with DD instead of slaving over the kitchen).

However, she had a face on all through lunch (which was mostly OK as I had left him a detailed list of exactly what to do and when, and had already cooked the meat and done the apple sauce etc) and then started muttering about how her darling boy was so tired and shouldn't have to do this etc etc!! I'm ashamed to say I did get rather cross and did raise my voice somewhat saying that things have moved on from her days and men are expected to pull their weight in the house, and if he's tired he should pick golf instead as a hobby. She had the nerve to argue and say in her day they looked after their men (!), so I pointed out that I am looking after the kids as well as working part time and doing all DH's books, which she never did - but she doesn't get it. Anyway I left the room and heard her muttering that she wouldn't come to lunch any more - and she later left with DH without replying to my cheery goodbye. (DD also told me that she was complaining to DH earlier that I shouldn't have left DS (8) home alone for the ten minutes it took to pick her up. I've done this for a while, during the day, for short trips and he's quite happy). Grrrr!

So - I'm sure I will calm down and be civil again next time we meet, but AIBU?? I know it's all a bit petty but feeding the family is my worst chore! I absolutely hate having to plan meals and drop everything night after night just to feed people, and doing Sunday lunch makes it literally a non-day for me from about 10 a.m. to 3pm or so, week in week out! While DH plays and then relaxes!

Am I within my rights to stand up for myself to MIL, or should I bite my tongue? Also, DD didn't like us arguing so I explained that things were different in MIL's time but she (DD) should never accept a man who didn't help with the chores - which she totally gets. But should I gloss over it and say MIL is lovely full stop, or am I ok to say MIL is lovely but has old fashioned views and you can ignore those when she gets on her high horse? I hate putting people down to other people (except on mumsnet ) but equally I do feel I'm justified in having my opinion on this.

BTW, MIL is usually fine, just very old fashioned and can be opinionated.

fruitbat I know I must be doing it wrong. But we do roast potatoes so they need parboiling then roasting, ditto parsnips. DH likes mashed swede with beef and that takes hours. Sometimes I do roasted beetroot. Also boiled spuds for DD. Stuffing if it's chicken or pork, yorkshires for all joints (DS loves them) although I do use Aunt Bessies but the homebake ones not the 'ready' ones. Two or three veg (we use frozen peas a lot so I do try and have carrots, sprouts and broccoli or similar). So really I'm faffing about for a couple of hours before we eat.

Bun you are so right and I will be working on that. I did the roast thing growing up and I do like family meals. I just don't like the fact that I do them all and DH has a day of rest! And I would prefer steak or a pie or something sometimes, but he seems to think it's a Rule .

If you cook, someone else lays the table and someone else washes up.

Equally if you cook, you decide the menu. Your DS may love yorkshires but he might love them more if they were an occasional treat. Same with the mashed swede thing - do something different and quicker Also parsnips do not need parboiling.

Your DH is a lazy arse. But somehow your kids are learning to treat you like a doormat too.

I refuse to do a big meal Sunday lunchtime. Bacon sandwiches are the usual lunch _ cooked in the oven.

You handled that brilliantly OP. My Mother is paranoid about being the 'MIL' with my DW and if I was ever that cheeky it would be me getting the stick for not supporting my DW.

Good for you: don't bite your tongue - that was my mistake with in laws and they attempted to walk all over me. I think as long as you're not simply rude for the sake of it, there's no harm in telling it how it is. My MIL isn't so bad when it comes to DH and what he has to do around the house, but my DM has made my DF an entitled useless arse.

Thanks all - glad IANBU! I will sort things with DH but am not sure about MIL. I think I'll just let her stew and see if she says anything when I next see her (an apology would be nice but I won't hold my breath ).

My ex mil was a nightmare. At first she seemed lovely but soon showed her true colours. I called the police when her son beat me and it apparently was all my fault and other similar stuff. I think without being rude you do have to stick up for yourself.

I am another one at a loss as to why making a sunday lunch takes so long. If you put the meat in at 10 (and I am veggie so pretty clueless) and you eat at 1, surely you have the best part of 2 hours after putting the meat in before you need to start anything else?

If you are cooking and he says he can't cook - why can't he at least wash up?

Could you do something quicker like sausage and mash for a change? It is like a roast really - what we call a 'gravy dinner'. You can still do it with veg and yorkshires and the whole cooking process would take less than an hour.

Could you all go out once a month to a carvery?

Just ideas..

Basically, you need to get on the same page as your DH. Then you can tackle your MIL between you. She may be old fashioned and set in her ways and feels sorry for him (especially if he is having a moan). Lots of people wouldn't leave an 8 yo but similarly lots would and that is non of her business.

If your DH is drinking every weekend at lunchtime which renders him sleepy and useless for the rest of the day, that isn't on. Again though something you need to tackle with him.

All in all, I think you handled it well. Stick up for yourself, it's fine to disagree with her. Keep it polite and don't turn it into an argument. Good job OP.

Division of labour is often a problem when one partner doesn't have paid employment. If I understand rightly, your husband works full time and in his spare time runs an additional business. Your children are school age and you don't work in a paid capacity.
Get a job and your husband will have to take on his share of domestic tasks.
You do sound a bit of a martyr.

Can’t believe this is still an issue these days. Why would anyone be with a man who doesn’t automatically do his share ? I just don’t get it . Stop being a doormat, you’re setting a horrible example to your children.

I really wouldn't want to spend 5 hours in the kitchen for him. He wants roasts, he cooks them.

And tell him to take his own mother shopping and to please her himself with this cooking!

He needs to do more but equally - DON'T ROAST THINGS! If you don't particularly want it then don't spend the bulk of your day making it. Do something else - a home made pie made in advance ready to cook, potato and a veg is enough of a main meal and gives you back your day. Also if you cook it you should never ever have to clean up after it! That is one of the most important marrital rules!

I just cannot get my head around young people still!! cooking a Sunday lunch, 40 years ago when I married and said nada to a Sunday Roast I thought I was being a bit unusual, but now when you all work so hard why the heck are you still chained to the sink cooker?

@mrsmuddlepies did you miss the bit where OP works part-time and does the books for her husbands business?

mrsmuddlepies

You seem to have really not read the first post.

Roasts are nice... For some people... (me for example...),

Entitled arses that like them should take a hand/take their turn in making them...

I don't think it's the actual cooking thar t takes the time... It's the veg prep (of you're cooking for several people) and all the tidying/cleaning up (when all the saucepans /kitchen stuff has been used...)

2 ex partners became less keen on the Sunday Roast Rules... When they had to do it... (rather than lounge around scratching themselves /waiting on it!)