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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selling to buy something new vs saving

46 replies

Hellohellobye · 25/02/2018 16:08

So AIBU...I can't see that I am at all but I'm willing to be told otherwise!

Currently on maternity leave & browsing eBay, came across a bag I've wanted for a long time to replace one I had which was damaged. I would feel guilty buying it outright while I'm off work so I decided I'd sell some of my current bags I like less than it so I could cover the cost of the bag & had timed selling my bags to ensure I had the funds in my PayPal for the day this listing ends (it's fixed price & I can see nobody else is watching it) So essentially, I'd not be paying anything. More trading bags.

I told my DH I was happy because I'd found a bag I'd been looking for & I'd managed to sell my bags to pay for it (& also knew he'd notice it so thought best to tell him I was buying it!) however, his opinion is that despite me having sold my bags specifically to pay for this new bag, I should be putting the money I've made into savings rather than spending it on another bag. I can understand his point of view but I wouldn't have sold my current bags if I wasn't buying a replacement! I still have bags so it's not like I won't have any though. I'll still have 5/6 bags but they're all black. I've sold my light coloured/neutral bags to buy this replacement. Now I feel very guilty and like I shouldn't/can't buy the new bag.

He's said if it was when I was back at work it wouldn't be an issue but while I'm on maternity leave, I shouldn't be buying handbags. I just view this as trading bags!

It's a very minor issue but it's ended up escalating into a disagreement so I'd be grateful of input on if I'm being unreasonable in which case I'll go apologise & not buy the bag in question. I'm probably feeling sorry for myself because I've got the flu so very willing to be told I'm being ridiculous!

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 25/02/2018 16:10

YANBU. You sold your own possessions - the money is yours to do with as you wish.

DownInFraggleRock · 25/02/2018 16:11

So what is he selling to put money into savings? Buy the bag- what you’ve done is good for your wallet, your happiness and more environmentally friendly than throwing bags out!

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 25/02/2018 16:12

How much of his stuff has he sold to put into savings?

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 16:13

Your DH is being ridiculous. You are swapping bags.

UpstartCrow · 25/02/2018 16:13

Yanbu, we call it trading up. Does he have a problem with you not earning wages while on maternity?

Shutupanddance1 · 25/02/2018 16:17

I’d say it’s trading up - I sold two of my tatty older bags recently and popped the money away in my savings.. not quite sure what I’m saving for yet but I will be buying something nice with it!

I’m also pregnant and feel zero guilt about not putting money towards baby things. You have got to look after yourself sometimes!

user1498927651 · 25/02/2018 16:19

YANBU, unless money is particularly tight and the cash could help with food or bills. Though, in that case it would be fair for you both to sell possessions, assuming you have a similar amount of stuff of course.

Notamorningperson84 · 25/02/2018 16:19

Your husband is being a prick. Buy the bag.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 25/02/2018 16:24

Your husband sounds like an arse who's stuck in the fucking 1950's Hmm
Buy the bag.

ChishandFips33 · 25/02/2018 16:26

Erm...YANBU!
You've been VR in selling your* things to fund this.
*You haven't been a drain on your finances.
*You are looking after your 'joint' child, without financial reward and no doubt doing the house stuff too

Remind him that it was contribution of his sperm that has resulted in you being unable to earn your full wage....and as others have said, ask him what he's selling to pop in to the savings pot!

ChishandFips33 · 25/02/2018 16:27

Oh and buy the bag!

FranticallyPeaceful · 25/02/2018 16:27

Buy the bag and sell some of his stuff to put the money into savings

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 16:29

Buy the fucking bag.

SavageBeauty73 · 25/02/2018 16:29

He sounds a tight misery.

Buy the bag.

Original poster
Hellohellobye · 25/02/2018 16:33

He helped by covering everything when I was off work on unpaid sick leave for quite a few months before starting maternity (in hospital with maternity complications). However, my maternity has been paid for the first half & because our bills are a lot smaller than my pay, I've been able to save up enough to live off for the second half of it including paying my half of all the bills & generally I pay for all DC's clothes/baby groups which we do 4 days a week because I'm the one around during the week to do so. However, he has paid for things like days out/dinners out etc because I'm not really earning during this time although I could do so without much of an issue. We don't usually keep track of who buys what, although we have separate accounts, we look at the overall amount as what "we" have and whoever happens to be nearest the till pays for whatever it is we're buying.

We aren't short of money- when we're both earning, our bills are a very small proportion of our joint income. Although I am now applying to work part time which won't automatically be granted & in that instance, would have to find a new job so could be unemployed for a few months. Because of this, I'm being very careful & not buying things unless completely necessary although thought I'd be a bit frivolous when I saw this bag & sold some of my own things to fund it.
I know I don't "need" it but we definitely aren't so short of money that we need to sell our belongings!

I'm especially grumpy because he was playing with the baby as I have the flu & just want to lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself as I've got no family nearby so I'll have to muster up the energy to amuse DC tomorrow & the rest of the week but following our disagreement, he's gone off to watch shows on his computer & left me with the baby. Angry

OP posts:
Thedogsmells · 25/02/2018 16:35

Fuck that, buy the bag. What is his logic bar, "you're not working therefore no spending"? You're on maternity leave, with his child...not dossing.

Lovingtyrells · 25/02/2018 16:38

If you earn way more than bills why would you need any savings anyway ?! He sounds like a control freak. If he can afford dinners out etc with a young baby things obviously aren’t tight. Ignore and buy the bag, and maybe another one too!

Trills · 25/02/2018 16:38

You need to sort out your joint finances so that you each have an equal amount of "spending money" to do as you like with, and agree not to criticise each other's use of their spending money.

The money to buy handbags would of course come out of your own personal pot of spending money. The money you get from selling handbags would go back into that pot. That pot has nothing to do with him.

Original poster
Hellohellobye · 25/02/2018 16:40

@ChishandFips33 yes, I do all the household things. We had a cleaner for a few weeks when the baby was small & I couldn't keep up with it but DH felt "we" could do it ourselves to save money. The cleaner ended up closing her company so we didn't find someone else & I started doing it in the evenings when he takes DC but in fairness the baby is much easier now & I can do bits during the day in the same room as whatever room I've set up a play area in so I can hoover and clean downstairs each day so it is partly my choice to not get another. I definitely didn't agree at the start though!

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 25/02/2018 16:47

You swapped bags for bags. I'm not seeing the problem here. He's being silly.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 25/02/2018 16:54

Does he not see that your family is a joint venture and his working outside the home is equal effort and contribution to your working to care for your baby?

What's the rationale for you not going back full-time?
What will happen to ensure your pension contributions are kept to the same standard as his?

Original poster
Hellohellobye · 25/02/2018 16:57

@Trills it's not usually an issue when we're both working. I'm very grateful for our jobs which mean we can both generally buy what we need, do nice things with DC and put a chunk into savings. Although I don't always tell DH what I spend my money on because I know he'd disagree and think I don't "need" items even though I can afford to buy them myself. Its only an issue because usually I bring in a high income & never "ask" before I buy things but at the minute I'm not being paid following unpaid sick leave so feel in an odd situation where I should.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I've not bought anything for myself in over a year except clothes (none of my clothing fits after having the baby. Same weight but have totally changed shape Angry) but have decluttered my wardrobe and used money from that to make myself a new staple one and I thought I was doing a good job of being resourceful & still feeling like I've got nice things while I'm not being paid! So thought I'd continue the effort with a new bag! Im very grateful to have nice things from when I was working so I sell things I won't use, then buy new things so I rarely go into my bank account, I use my PayPal as my allocated "spending" money. But apparently DH doesn't see my plan as resourceful!

OP posts:
Trills · 25/02/2018 16:59

Even when you were both working, it wouldn't hurt to have your spending money budgeted. IMO it reduces stress because you know that this is for you to do exactly as you please with, and there's no need to even consider for a moment whether the other person would approve or not.

Bobbybobbins · 25/02/2018 17:02

Yanbu and think this is a great idea. I had 2 longish maternity leaves within 3 years so totally get that money is very tight and we were struggling by the end but this is not an extravagance by any stretch!

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 25/02/2018 17:02

Do you feel he's watching and questioning what you spend money on?

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