Selling to buy something new vs saving

[Hellohellobye]

So AIBU...I can't see that I am at all but I'm willing to be told otherwise!

Currently on maternity leave & browsing eBay, came across a bag I've wanted for a long time to replace one I had which was damaged. I would feel guilty buying it outright while I'm off work so I decided I'd sell some of my current bags I like less than it so I could cover the cost of the bag & had timed selling my bags to ensure I had the funds in my PayPal for the day this listing ends (it's fixed price & I can see nobody else is watching it) So essentially, I'd not be paying anything. More trading bags.

I told my DH I was happy because I'd found a bag I'd been looking for & I'd managed to sell my bags to pay for it (& also knew he'd notice it so thought best to tell him I was buying it!) however, his opinion is that despite me having sold my bags specifically to pay for this new bag, I should be putting the money I've made into savings rather than spending it on another bag. I can understand his point of view but I wouldn't have sold my current bags if I wasn't buying a replacement! I still have bags so it's not like I won't have any though. I'll still have 5/6 bags but they're all black. I've sold my light coloured/neutral bags to buy this replacement. Now I feel very guilty and like I shouldn't/can't buy the new bag.

He's said if it was when I was back at work it wouldn't be an issue but while I'm on maternity leave, I shouldn't be buying handbags. I just view this as trading bags!

It's a very minor issue but it's ended up escalating into a disagreement so I'd be grateful of input on if I'm being unreasonable in which case I'll go apologise & not buy the bag in question. I'm probably feeling sorry for myself because I've got the flu so very willing to be told I'm being ridiculous!

Tell him to bog off OP. I’m on mat leave too and have also sold unwanted stuff on eBay to declutter and to build up my paypal account to treat myself to something as and when I need to without guilt or worry that I’m wasting money. Enjoy your new bag.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction no, not at all when I'm working. He'll tell me he doesn't understand why I need something that has no purpose but doesn't have any issue with how I spend my money as he says it's mine to spend, the same way as his is his. In a similar way to how I don't always understand why he needs the boy toys but would never interfere with what he wants to spend his money on while we're financially comfortable.

We both agreed it'd be good for DC to be in nursery part time and spend half the week with us. Currently I earn more (it fluctuates from time to time) so it makes financial sense for me to go part time...and I very much want to spend part of my week with DC! I'd be very jealous if he went part time rather than me so I'm not complaining at this decision at all.

We don't have any issues with finances normally, it's more just a silly dispute over a bag while I'm on maternity leave! I don't want to make him sound like he's always stopping me buying things or being funny with money when he isn't! We've been together for a very long time & this is the first time we've ever had a money related dispute! I'm a bit surprised at how stubborn I've been about a handbag...but I have sold things I otherwise wouldn't! I feel ridiculous and petty even complaining about this tiny issue that really isn't an issue at all in the grand scheme of things.

Your husband is being ridiculous, you're just trading out bags and went about it in a reasonable and responsible way. You used the selling of your own handbags to fund it doesn't affect anyone but you.

DH and I do this with bikes quite often.

Thanks for your help everyone! I definitely get the sense I'm not being so unreasonable after all. Now the question is, do I admit that I've asked strangers opinions & I'm buying the bag because I'm apparently not being unreasonable or how to proceed...if I just buy it, it'll cause another argument when it arrives

Your DH is being unreasonable. Don't see what the problem is at all and admire you for making the effort - I keep meaning to but last time got fed up of spending my lunch break trekking over to the post office and back and we were busy moving house when I was on maternity leave.

If you think he's just being a bit daft rather than controlling, can you ignore any overtures he makes towards an argument?

He's so incredibly in the wrong here.

“He'll tell me he doesn't understand why I need something that has no purpose but doesn't have any issue with how I spend my money as he says it's mine to spend, the same way as his is his” - ok, so if this is how he generally view things I would explain (trying not to roll my eyes) that the bags you sold were originally paid for by you and so you consider the proceeds from their sale “your money” and that of course if you get into dire financial straits you will sell the new handbag - after all, you have just demonstrated that handbags keep (some) value.

Buy the bag.

Just buy the bag. If he mentions it again mention that a you are replacing bags you sold with a new one and b the only reason you don't have an income at the moment is because you has HIS child!

When I was on mat leave my husband traded in a load of games and an old Xbox to buy a brand new Xbox, and he used £40 of actual money! I was impressed not annoyed as we all need the occasional treat and it didn’t put us out! I think you let DH is being unfair, as you’ve said you’ve swapped them basically. I think you just need to say to him that you’re going to get the bag and if things really get that tight you’ll consider selling it as long as he sells something too! It’s only fair!

YBANU
I was worried by you mentioning before how your DH had been good when you were off work before your maternity leave began, as you were ill with a pregnancy complication: it was as though you felt grateful for what he should have done as a matter of course.

As to the bag, as you bought the bags you have just sold at a time when you were not on maternity leave, then surely the swopped bag would essentially have been "bought" then too as you did mention there was never any problem with what you chose to buy for yourself before, when you were working.

Watch out for telling him you asked about his objection to your bag in a public forum. My guess is he wouldn't like it all.

It is a shame you had not just gone ahead and bought this.

Show the miserly contdolling joy thief this thread. You trading your posessions has absolutely nothing to do with him. You'd think he'd be kinder and more appreciative of someone who has just carried and given birth to his child. I'm afraid i do not like the sound of this man OP.

YANBU!

If your DH sold a car and bought a new one should he save the proceeds of the sale, or put it towards the new car?

Have you jointly got six months living expenses stashed to support the joint baby if someone loses a job? If so, fine.

If not, handbags and x boxes aren't the issue.

Get the bag. You're not buying you're trading. If you're in such dire straits you have to sell things to put money in the bank, what's he selling?

Why are you feeling guilty for being off sick with pregnancy complications because you were pregnant with your (plural) baby? Why are you the only one taking a financial hit when one of you has to be off work looking after your (plural) child? Now would be a good time to talk about Family Money because it sounds like some clarity is needed.

Is your OH spending any money on himself whilst you're on maternity leave? If he isn't, and is contributing more to the household expenses (not just fun stuff where he's 'treating you') then maybe he's just jumpy about your joint income dropping. However, if he's spending money on himself whilst not allowing you to do the same, then he's not valuing your contribution to the family, and is grasping onto 'his' money. Not attractive and a dangerous (for you) mindset.

As for the cleaner... that's all part of the same thing.

I can see his POV.

You say you already have bags to use aside from the ones you sold, so he is probably wondering why you can't just use those.

I don't think either of you are BU.

@specialsubject I don't see why that comes into this one. Surely then nobody would ever buy anything aside from food unless they had 6 months living expenses? However, yes we do

@GoldfishCrackers I think you've hit the nail on the head there. He's not spending on himself either, we've both been very careful. He's used to us having a large saving pot to fall back on but with my long unplanned & unpaid sick leave, the pot is not as large as it was. He's very much the kind of person to feel out of control unless he has enough saved to cover every possible eventuality. I don't agree that we need quite so much to feel secure but I understand where he's coming from & know he's trying to protect us. However, I felt as though the bag kerfuffle was different because it's "trading"

@NotSoSprightly yes I can to some degree too. His argument was that I didn't even need any bags in the first place because I have pockets 😂 I'd need pockets down to my ankles to carry all the tat I lug around!

I would tell him that you are uncomfortable being made to feel like you can’t spend money and maybe you should both consider 4 days a week so that it evens up spending equality in the future. And buy the bag.

@5amisnotmorning he will be working 4 days & I, 3 so that DC will only be in nursery 2 days a week. We don't have any issues when we're both working though so even if he was doing 5, I'd still want to do 3. It's been as much my decision as his- I'd love to continue going to the baby groups!