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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you would forgive DP for this?

19 replies

HannaPintura · 25/02/2018 11:58

A few years back now I threw DP out because he was temporarily out of work for a few weeks while the place he works from (self employed) was under going unexpected maintenance, but despite not having money coming in he was going to the pub at 12 midday and staying there til late night and not doing a thing around the house. The final straw came when we were supposed to be going out for tea, but he had a last minute invite to a friends birthday drinks instead so chose to do that. I couldn't go as it was far away and I had work early the next morning so I said I had enough of him acting like this and told him to leave. Anyway, after he came back a week later, I had found out he had been texting a family friend (well, his aunties step daughter, aged 30) about our disagreement and the details. we aren't close to this woman, but see her maybe 3 times a year at family gatherings.

So, currently I am having problems again with him and posted a few weeks back www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3164819-To-resent-DP and had lots of support. I decided to challenge him on it, and he has made life difficult refusing to change anything, refusing to talk about it but he says he's doing nothing wrong. I have finally given up and I know at the end of the joint tenancy we have we will go our separate ways.

It's going to be difficult living with him in the meantime but blah. Anyway, we have been texting each other whilst at work, me basically telling him it won't work until he implements changes and how sick I am of his attitude to me and disrespect.

I found out he has text this woman again all the messages we exchanged telling her I am batshit - ha ha! After I asked him the very firs time he did this never to text her again, I am so pissed off and any glimmer of us sorting our differences and remaining together have definitely vanished now but I was just wondering if IABU?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 25/02/2018 12:01

Oh come on. You know you aren't being unreasonable. You just wanted a rant and to update everyone.

Stop texting him.

HannaPintura · 25/02/2018 12:01

OH and he also text her lies about
Me too! I challenged him on the lies and he said he didn't know why he lied but he won't tell her it's a lie.

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Idontdowindows · 25/02/2018 12:03

How long on that tenancy? Cause you need to get out yesterday, if not sooner.

HannaPintura · 25/02/2018 12:04

Just until the summer

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Confusedbeetle · 25/02/2018 12:04

How do you know about all these texts? It is not the texts that are the problem it's your relationship. It is descending into petty squabbles

HannaPintura · 25/02/2018 12:08

I knew something was off so I checked his phone

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VaguelyAware · 25/02/2018 12:10

Start separating your stuff. Is there any way you can get out, or get him out, any sooner? Even if you have to sell non-essential bits to raise funds for a deposit. He sounds like a disrespectful idiot who doesn't give a shit about anyone else.

Idontdowindows · 25/02/2018 12:11

Can you afford storage hire? Cause I'd be moving lots of my stuff out over the next few months to make sure it's all there. I understand you already have separate finances so that's not an issue, but make sure everything you need (electric, gas, phone, insurance, telly, internet) is in your name so you can move it with you.

Take your name off of anything and everything you won't need after you've split up. Start looking for another place to live as well, it can take a while to get something suitable.

Eliza9917 · 25/02/2018 12:11

I agree with you, why is he texting her the ins and outs of your problems? Or bad mouthing you. It's disrespectful to do that. Especially as you asked him not to text her.

It's one think to talk things over with a friend but this doesn't sound like that's what he's doing. I'd think it sounds like he might be lining her up to take your place once you've split.

HannaPintura · 25/02/2018 12:15

Thank you for your replies. I think I'm going to stay in the house when he moves out. He will definately go. I've given him the option of moving earlier but he seems hesitant. I am really really looking forward to the start of my new life alone though more than being upset. Is that normal?

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Idontdowindows · 25/02/2018 12:23

Yes, that is completely normal. If you're staying, double check that everything is in your name, and that anything that requires passwords is on a password only you know (router, netflix, all that sort of piddly stuff).

Make sure you have a firm date set for him to move out and remind him of it regularly.

Please also keep yourself safe!

StaplesCorner · 25/02/2018 12:28

Can we just backtrack a bit - so you want to stay with the tenancy if he leaves - is it local authority or housing association, private etc? Why can't you apply to have the tenancy changed now? Can you afford it on your own?

BettyBaggins · 25/02/2018 12:29

Sounds normal to be excited for freedom to me, good luck!

Oldraver · 25/02/2018 12:36

Of course he seems hesitant...he needs to work on the new woman to be his skivvy

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/02/2018 12:39

Beware of the post excitement crash. Do NOT EVER take him back once you get rid of the twat.

Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2018 12:49

YADNBU.

Stop texting him. Make your plans get on with your life.

Let this vague relative 30 year old woman have him. Maybe text her and tell her he is a nightmare... No don't; she won't believe you. Just move on, life is too short.

LannieDuck · 25/02/2018 13:03

Split up with him now, live as housemates for the rest of the tenancy. Stop doing any cooking/washing etc for him. No physical relationship. See if he'd be willing to move out sooner, and if not just be very clear about your boundaries until Summer. You don't want to give mixed signals.

(...assuming you have no worries about violence of course.)

This part of your other post would have done it for me long ago:

"We both work full time, he is usually home before I am. Firstly, he does nothing around the house. Absolutely nothing."

He thinks you have to be a servant for him because you don't have a penis? He can jog on. That's not a loving, respectful relationship.

LannieDuck · 25/02/2018 13:05

Incidentally, you'll notice my post had no mention of the woman he's texting. She's pretty irrelevant. Stop worrying about what she is or isn't doing, and start concentrating on how badly this man (who supposedly loves you) treats you.

HannaPintura · 05/03/2018 08:05

Thanks for all your messages.

It's finally opening my eyes to what he's really like and since he text that woman again, I can't forgive him. I've been very short with him since then and occasionally he'll ask what's wrong and I tell him it's because he sent all our private texts to that woman, he says there is no harm done! When I tell him it harmed me and hurt me deeply that he compromised my privacy like that, he tells me I'm getting worked up over nothing.

Roll on July til the tenancy is up and he can fuck off!

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