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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pretty sure IABU...hen night

33 replies

WhyDoesItAlways · 25/02/2018 08:17

I have a friend who asked me to be her maid of honour when she got engaged about 8 years ago. Since then our lives have gone in different directions and I maybe see her twice a year. I don't see ourselves as that good friends anymore. There have been a few instances of irritating behaviour but nothing major has happened between us, we have just grown apart.

Last year she finally booked her wedding and wanted to meet up to start sorting hen do etc... It's now late Feb and we still haven't found a mutually convenient time to meet up to discuss any wedding stuff. I have politely told her that I wouldn't be offended if she wanted to choose a new MoH who she sees more often but she said she definitely wanted me to do it.

Due to our clashing calendars she has now arranged her own hen night, gone dress shopping, ordered the bridesmaid dresses etc by herself.

Here's the AIBU - I really don't want to go on the hen do. It's really not my thing. So far the cost is £250 before we even get into spending money territory. I have a young son, have just returned to work after maternity part time with a pay cut thanks to budget cuts and a massive childcare bill so this is now a lot of money for me to spend doing something I don't want to do. And will be sharing a room with groom's mother!

So AIBU to be really selfish and tell her that I'm not going. I would obvs fully expect to be sacked from my role and/or be uninvited to the wedding. I hate weddings anyway and had to endure 6 of them last year so would be secretly relieved.

I'm a b**ch aren't I?

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 25/02/2018 08:20

I don't think you are, asking 8 years ago was ridiculous, I don't think anyone would expect that to still stand. That said though you need to pick up the phone and talk to her so as not to mess her around either

shakeyourcaboose · 25/02/2018 08:21

God no! Who is bride sharing with? I'm thinking juvenile-y here, but at MOH should it not be you? (i.e is it a deal thing and your going brings costs down?)

EnterFunnyNameHere · 25/02/2018 08:22

I don't necessarily think you're a bitch - your circumstances regarding available money and that from your perspective you have drifted are not unreasonable!

That said, given you offered to step down and the bride didn't take it, might suggest she doesn't feel the drift as much as you do? So I think you need to try your best to be as kind about it as possible! You might think you've drifted but she might still view you as a close/her closest friend if you see what I mean.

Bluntness100 · 25/02/2018 08:24

I think you should have been up front with her when she booked the wedding and said you could no longer do it. Agreeing to do it at that stage and then dropping out of the hen night is not nice, no.

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 25/02/2018 08:27

Some people are very traditional at weddings - they want old friends who have known them the longest. Or maybe she doesn’t have any close friends to ask. It becomes harder as you get older. Whatever, she wants you and you haven’t said no. If you are in hen do territory then I suspect the wedding is quite close so you’ll have to go through with that part. I’d say you cannot afford the hen do if that is genuinely the case (otherwise as MOH it isn’t very kind, just not your thing is selfish) therefore cannot go - nothing else for that really is there, if you don’t have the money then you don’t have it. BUT offer to take her for a local afternoon tea or something or go to part of the hen. And then get on with MOH duties with enthusiasm, the time to not want to be part of this has past.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/02/2018 08:28

Just tell her that you're not up to being MoH and that you can't afford her hen do. It will be awkward but you'll have to accept that bit.

GrannyGrissle · 25/02/2018 08:31

What is unreasonable is expecting ex friends to stump up £250 and the rest for a hen do. The more people who refuse to indulge this self worshipping self absorbed bollocks the better. But be straight with her (Some clever non-sleep deprived Mumsnetter will come up with a polite but to the point speech for you).
Posts like this make me glad to be a friendless antisoocial herrrmit who can save money as i'm not condtantly being bled dry by wedding leeches

Hellywelly10 · 25/02/2018 08:33

Sharing a room with somewone of font know sounds hellish. I don't think your being unreasonable dropping out. But it may sour relationship with the bride? Can you live with that?

WeAllHaveWings · 25/02/2018 08:37

In hindsight you should have told her as soon as she booked the wedding you couldn’t do it. When is the hen do? You need to speak up now before this gets even more out of hand. There is a good chance your relationship will be impacted but thats probably unavoidable now.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 25/02/2018 08:43

Do you know her mum well, is she fun? Is there a good reason you got put in 1 room?

I think it would be hurtful/mean to drop out now, but a £250 weekend is such a big ask! Why do people do this?!

Argh, fell that unfortunately you can't win here OP, but also a bit sad for your friend if her MoH drops out ...

demirose87 · 25/02/2018 08:52

Tell her you're not doing it, the sooner the better. What do you really stand to lose, a friend you see twice a year and not that fussed about? I wouldn't hesitate in dropping out.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 25/02/2018 08:52

I don’t get why it’s such a big thing if someone doesn’t go to a hen night/weeekend. Neither of my bridesmaids came to mine and it didn’t bother me at all (it was only a meal at Prezzo so I don’t really count it as a hen night and neither of them could make it).

I’ve never been to a hen night/weekend and never will - I’m not prepared to spend a fortune on something I don’t want to do and I still seem to have friends!

GruffaIo · 25/02/2018 08:55

The only thing that would make me hesitant is not knowing how many more good friends she now has.... perhaps you're still one of her best friends, and she wouldn't have anyone else to take over the role? I know you don't see her much, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's got lots of new friends who she's really close to.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2018 08:56

Just tell her you can't do MOH! Is it that hard? Then decline the hen do and wedding.

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 25/02/2018 08:58

The hen do being "not your thing" isn't relevent really as it's not about you, it's about the person getting married. But YANBU to resent stumping up £250 plus spends and I doubt you'll be the only one. Hen do's have gotten completely out of control generally IMO.

It's perfectly fine to say you can't afford to go on the hen, but it does sound as though that's not the real issue and you're actually hoping to cause a rift that will get you sacked from MOH duties and uninvited to the wedding because you see the whole thing as a hassle and don't particularly value the friendship. If that's the case then I think you should just bite the bullet and tell her you don't want to be MoH.
Otherwise if you may find she changes the plan for the hen to something cheaper instead (especially if others drop out for the same reason which they almost certainly will, once one drops out others tend to follow suit) and then you'll have no excuse.

Maryann1975 · 25/02/2018 09:01

Yanbu to decline to spend £250 on her hen do. That’s a lot of money to spend when you don’t really want to go, have drifted apart from the bride and presumably don’t really know anyone else going. The conversation needs to be had ASAP though. Has the bride already spent out money on the weekend? If so, Yabu for not having the conversation earlier. But do speak to her. Does she not have many friends, but wants a big perfect wedding and hen do, more for show, so is getting friends from years ago to make up the numbers?

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/02/2018 09:07

She's been engaged for 8 YEARS? Blimey.

During those 8 years did neither of you discuss the arrangements? Or weren't they made until relatively recently? So was it an 'we're ENGAGED! Be my MOH' all those years ago and then not mentioned until the last year when you'd drifted apart, or was it occasionally discussed in the intervening years but now you don't feel you can do it?

HSMMaCM · 25/02/2018 09:10

Just say you're sorry, but you don't have money for the hen do. Hope you have a lovely time.

Smellylittleorange · 25/02/2018 09:15

The thing with expensive hen weekends is you dont have to go ....was this organised without any indication of costs etc ? Were you just told? If so yanbu and can drop out. If you are in position of agreeing having paid a deposit etc then i feel you need to suck it up..mainly because you made a financial commitment and it usually impacts others. You can pay up but you dont have to go !

Smellylittleorange · 25/02/2018 09:16

Guess you also need to have a crank and honest conversation with bride about your friendship...

KC225 · 25/02/2018 09:22

YANBU but you have being unreasonable by not addressing this sooner rather than hoping it will go away. You need to let her know. Your reasons are valid. You are now in a very different place from eight years ago with different responsibilities. You know the bride better than us, its impossible to say how she will take but as the later above said - it's only a hen night.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/02/2018 09:23

IMO it's perfectly reasonable to say sorry, but in the circs money is very tight and you just can't afford it.

If she sulks or throws a wobbly, so be it. Sounds as if you'd be better off without such a friend anyway, and you'd get out of attending another presumably expensive wedding you don't want to go to anyway.

cansu · 25/02/2018 09:44

I think you would be better off being completely honest and say that you are not able to come and that you don't ant to be involved in the wedding, which it basically comes down to. You are not that arsed about being friends with her. This will of course hurt her feelings but I think you have probably already done that by not being involved in any of the stuff associated with the wedding anyway. I would however think carefully. I often think that people ditch old friends when everything is going well in their lives as they feel they don't need those people and they don't fit in with new friends or circumstances. Ten years down the line when life isn't so rosy they start to look around at their friends and sometimes regret being quite so blase at the time.

lovescentedcandles · 25/02/2018 09:46

I think YABU if she has already paid for your MOH dress, accessories, shoes and bouquet (this cost me £300 alone per bridesmaid before hair, makeup and other costs!).

If you didn't want to be MOH you should have let her know more firmly. Hen dos are expensive these days and knowing your friend, you probably had a suspicion that it wouldn't be a cheap one.

Countingsheeeep · 25/02/2018 09:49

Yanbu for not wanting to go to the hen do, I cannot STAND hen dos...a bunch of drunk women you don't know drinking through penis shaped straws and taking their bras off for dares...no thank you!

Make up an excuse, and if you get invited from the wedding so be it. It sounds as though this friendship has run it's course, so there's no harm really

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