Pretty sure IABU...hen night

[WhyDoesItAlways]

I have a friend who asked me to be her maid of honour when she got engaged about 8 years ago. Since then our lives have gone in different directions and I maybe see her twice a year. I don't see ourselves as that good friends anymore. There have been a few instances of irritating behaviour but nothing major has happened between us, we have just grown apart.

Last year she finally booked her wedding and wanted to meet up to start sorting hen do etc... It's now late Feb and we still haven't found a mutually convenient time to meet up to discuss any wedding stuff. I have politely told her that I wouldn't be offended if she wanted to choose a new MoH who she sees more often but she said she definitely wanted me to do it.

Due to our clashing calendars she has now arranged her own hen night, gone dress shopping, ordered the bridesmaid dresses etc by herself.

Here's the AIBU - I really don't want to go on the hen do. It's really not my thing. So far the cost is £250 before we even get into spending money territory. I have a young son, have just returned to work after maternity part time with a pay cut thanks to budget cuts and a massive childcare bill so this is now a lot of money for me to spend doing something I don't want to do. And will be sharing a room with groom's mother!

So AIBU to be really selfish and tell her that I'm not going. I would obvs fully expect to be sacked from my role and/or be uninvited to the wedding. I hate weddings anyway and had to endure 6 of them last year so would be secretly relieved.

I'm a b**ch aren't I?

I think you need to tell her now before things get booked overwise it’s not fair to the bride and hens to cover the costs if you already agreed to attend. When organising my hen we were booking the hotels which were no refundable at the time. I gave everyone plenty of opportunity for those who wanted to come and if they couldn’t come the hotel wasn’t refundable or they could book at a later date and it would most likely cost more. A couple didn’t come one being my moh as something came up meaning she couldn’t come which was fine but she lost the cost of the hotel. So I would let it be known you don’t wish to attend sooner than later.

Just tell her. No pussyfooting around. Your life has changed and you can’t be MoH and you can’t attend the hen do. You would still love to be part of her wedding but want her to have a MoH that will do justice to the role.

What a bloody performance getting married seems to have turned into.

It depends to some extent on whether you had a big hen party which she attended.

If she came to yours, YABU not to go due to the fact you've moved onto the next life stage.

If you didn't have one or she didn't come, YA a bit less U. I really think you should have said something to her earlier, but that ship has sailed.

I think you should explain you can't afford it, try to work out a way you could come to part of it maybe as a compromise? I don't think you should stop being M of H at this point, that would be unkind.

Thank you guys. I know I should have said something sooner. I know she hasn't paid out anything financially for me, the dresses and flowers haven't been paid for and we are providing our own shoes, hair and makeup. The hen do is through one of those companies that arrange everything so me not going doesn't affect anyone else. There are at least two if not three other bridesmaids so I know there are others who could fill my gap.

That being said I totally understand that I have probably left this all a bit too late. Hen is in July, wedding in October. So I have time to save - just being a bit selfish and don't want to be putting money aside every month for it which is could be putting to better use. I think on this occasion I have left it too late and will just have to suck it up and learn my lesson for next time that I shouldn't go along with something or feel obliged to do things that I don't want to.

For the PP who asked I am not married so the bride has not attended a similar hen/wedding for me. I'm engaged and have made it very clear that there will be no hen and it will be a beach holiday somewhere very hot with no one invited as I absolutely hate weddings so don't want to be at the centre of one or cause anyone else to have to endure or pay out for it too .

I'm not a big fan of big hen parties really, but it is a bit unfair on the last one to get married if no-one wants to go to hers!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

8 years?!! I’d feel sooooooo resentful spending cash on a ridiculous hen do that could be spent on an extra few days unpaid leave with my baby.
It’s definitely NOT too late to bail, she changed the goalposts by not marrying in a timely period after asking you to be MOH. Life goes on and now you have a child and money’s tight.
If she’d got wed 7 years ago then i’m Sure it would’ve been brilliant and straightforward to stick to your commitment of being MOH. 8 fucking years though? Nah.

I had a similar thing happen to me about 10yrs ago. The whole situation was very strange, but I just ploughed on as the bride didn't have many friends. At the wedding I didn't talk to any of her family (nor them to me) as I was just some stranger to them, so I didn't really feel part of the wedding party. I didn't go on her hen night as , I feel really guilty saying this, I just didn't want to (meal out in town I would have coped with, but it was a night out in a town 200miles away). Lots of other reasons too, but I still do feel bad about it. But that's not to make you feel bad, OP. I think the money aspect alone is a good enough reason not to go.

I think that’s the right decision. It is too late and now you need to suck it up and get stuck in. Do not be half hearted! It’ll be fine. Unless it’s sky diving or something!