To not allow food in "adult" son's bedroom

[mselastic]

He is 20, not paying a penny towards keep as he isn't working and has brought his girlfriend home who is staying over. I wasn't asked she was just here.

I don't allow food in bedrooms- I have had mice and don't clean his bedroom.

I am struggling with this really- setting boundaries, wanting to be part of their adult lives but not be a mug!

I find this stage strange, he thinks he is an adult but is still sooo selfish. I have lent him far too much money- but that is my mistake and I amnot lending hin anymore.

I agree with the suggestion of £20/£30 per week. Having it all is a bit too Victorian. But make it clear this is a CONTRIBUTION to the costs of the household. Not rent. Show him your bills and how much your single person discount amounts to on your council tax. Take him food shopping and only have cash on you. There is nothing more sobering than not having enough money at the till and having to take something out, especially if there’s a queue behind you.

And if you are brave enough, show him how much your income is and how you budget for your essentials. I think the attitude of all money is private is not helpful in teaching our kids financial management.

Well I have spoken to them.

I said I felt taken for granted and disrespected that i wasn't asked she if she could stay. She was lovely and apologised- even though I said it was my son!

I spoke to him about money and he didnt say anything

They have left now- she came and said bye, My son just walked out.

I am crying

They must pull their weight and stick to the rules or get out. TNS about it.

Chin up. x

It's not fair on anyone, even him, to never say anything. He needs to learn his actions have an effect on you.

Your house your rules. What you says goes. He can't sit about doing nowt, for both of your sakes. He needs to contribute and be part of the household or move out. Don't get upset about it, you're not doing anything wrong. If you allow him to have it his own he will keep doing it so stand your ground. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Don't cry. Why are you crying? He's a grown man, and should be standing on his own two feet, unless there are exceptional circumstances. He probably left without saying goodbye because he was embarrassed. Stand your ground. What would he have done if you weren't around? My 90 year old MIL is STILL providing handouts for her 60 year old daughter, SIL has never learned how to look after herself or take responsibility. It's a parent's role to guide them into adulthood and then with a little nudge - set them off on their own path. Don't cry.

Thank you.

I am estrnaged from my family, partly due to being controlled so I find it diffiicult saying my house my rules. I know I was right to say it, but deep down, I have a real fear that my son will be estrnaged from me. I have no evidence for it- but setting boundaries is tough.

My parents allowed us to stay under their roof without paying rent as long as we were doing something ie studying or working. When we were working, they were still happy with no rent on the basis that more than 60% of our income was being saved for our future property deposit so we knew from the beginning that our monthly salary was not all available to do as we please. I hope to do the same with my children when they grow up. However, they could comfortably afford this, I would insist on rent if I needed it to run the house.

In terms of rules, they were explicitly clear that while we lived under their house, we lived by their rules. That included no food in bedrooms (and still does if we go and stay with spouses and children) and we weren't allowed to have partners to stay before we were engaged (even as adults). They made it clear that if we didn't like it, we were welcome to move out at any point.

Don't feel at all guilty about imposing your rules while he lives with you - it's your house to run as you wish.

You can get housing benefit if you're under 25 as I claim and am under that age, however you can't if you live with a close relative. Tell him to get a job or move out! It might scare him enough to want to pay his way

If you don't he will be walking all over you all your life. I have a friend whose brother has been living at home for over 50 years and is finally paying rent!

One month later- slight progress:

They no longer eat in the bedroom
I only allow the girlfriend to sleep on the weekend- he asks first
He buys the girlfriend and himself their own food and prepare it themselves

I still feel taken for granted- I gave him money for his 21st - he hasnt said thank you. He barely speaks to me-

He will be a student in September- local university- but maybe he will move out then

Good update, your boundaries have helped them grow a little. And great for her to see you as a role model who will not be put upon. I’m sorry he does not interact much with you, perhpas he will mature. If he is actively rude or ignores you, you could say its not on.

Well done. He'll forgive you. You made the right move.

I did not ask my children for any rent/ money towards house costs. I was not offered any. They did no housework and kept their rooms like tips. I do not think this was the wisest thing to do. I have realised that now and I would not advise any other Mums to be the same as me.

At 20, he needs to be working and contributing, even if only in a part time job to fit around his studies. Have you had a serious discussion with h8m about why he’s being so rude to you currently? This can’t go until September or beyond!

My parents were and are really soft on us but my really sweet hearted dad always said no food in bedroom due to mice/ants (London!) too. Don't be afraid, it's part of life and a good rule to have!

Thank you x

I think I have been so terrified of losing him- I have been estranged from my family for many years now- that I am scared we will be estranged. Silly really - I left home age 18 and never returned, I couldn't wait to leave! So we have different childhood experiences, but that fear I have is there in me. I have no evidence/reason for it - except my experience.

The parent who leaves an abusive family or relationship, and strives to protect and care for their children, is often the one the children criticise/belittle/undervalue/argue with, but it is because you are there and you provide safe boundaries. Make sure one day he knows about your experiences and your choice to go no contact. As an adult he may gain insight.