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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow food in "adult" son's bedroom

43 replies

mselastic · 24/02/2018 18:32

He is 20, not paying a penny towards keep as he isn't working and has brought his girlfriend home who is staying over. I wasn't asked she was just here.

I don't allow food in bedrooms- I have had mice and don't clean his bedroom.

I am struggling with this really- setting boundaries, wanting to be part of their adult lives but not be a mug!

I find this stage strange, he thinks he is an adult but is still sooo selfish. I have lent him far too much money- but that is my mistake and I amnot lending hin anymore.

OP posts:
hannahintheworks · 24/02/2018 18:35

If he isn’t working surely he should be claiming jobseekers so he can contribute. This will also hurry him into finding a job. Otherwise - what’s the incentive? Has he been actively looking for a job?

nocake · 24/02/2018 18:36

Your house, your rules. If he doesn't like it he is old enough to move out.

hannahintheworks · 24/02/2018 18:36

Sorry that sounded a little harsh - I’m sure as his Mum you want to lend him money (I know my mum did me) but at 20 he should really have financial responsibility, even if it’s to you and not his own landlord. It must be tough on you too Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 24/02/2018 18:36

He gets to be treated like an adult when he behaves like one.

Paying his way.
Helping out with mundane chores.
Accepting a sensible rule in view of the mice.
Having the courtesy to mention his girlfriend staying.
Being pleasant company.

If he can’t do the above he needs to find alternative arrangements and accept the costs of living independently from is parent.

hannahintheworks · 24/02/2018 18:37

Oh, and if he wants to eat food in his room so badly he will have to get a job, move out and then do whatever he likes in his room!!

DPotter · 24/02/2018 18:39

Food in the bedroom is a small part of your problem.
He and his girlfriend should be paying their way, both in cash and in ways to support the household, eg washing up, cooking occasional meal, hoovering, doing their own washing.

Get mean, deliver some tough love mselastic. As from tomorrow they muck in or no food at all, let alone in the bedroom!

MachineBee · 24/02/2018 18:40

I understand your feelings OP. I struggled with my own DDs when they returned from uni. They were used to a lot of freedom and thought they could continue to behave as they had done in student digs. I made it very clear this was my house, my rules.

I’d sit down with your DS and make it very clear what your house rules are.

Do you live alone or with DSs DF?

EffingJeffer · 24/02/2018 18:45

My 27 yr old DB is being like this with DM at the mo. She whinges to me about it but wont actually say anything to him. Mates round all the time, eating/drinking/smoking in his room, eating her out of house and home, using all the hot water, never pays his way, lending money off her bug never pays it back.

She's afraid if she puts her foot down it'll cause a rift. But it's making her miserable. I'd happily boot him up the arse myself but she's forbid me from interfering. Personally I know my DB knows how to manipulate DM and us just taking the piss for as long as he can get away with it for.

Does your DS know how you feel and what you expect from him? Or are you bottling up your feelings while he lives a life of Riley?

Fairylea · 24/02/2018 18:47

Your house, your rules especially when he isn’t paying rent. If he wants to live like it’s his own place he needs to contribute financially and help with chores etc.

Original poster
mselastic · 24/02/2018 18:48

Thank you x

I will ask him for money as I have lost my single person council tax discount. I am a mug aren't I? But I am his only family (I'm a widow from an abusive family) so have been a bit too nice

He does jobs around the house- but financail responsibilty is important for his own good.

What shall I do for hsi 21st?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 24/02/2018 18:48

You need to have a proper talk with him. Tell him you know he's not a child and don't want to treat him like one. However, even if he were a lodger who wasn't related to you, there would still be some house rules. And then establish what those are.

Original poster
mselastic · 24/02/2018 18:50

Effingjeffer, I couldn't cope for another 7 years of this.

You have been so helpful.

It is times like this I wish I had someone to back me up

OP posts:
Original poster
mselastic · 24/02/2018 18:52

what are some good house rules;

£20 per week keep from £50 benefit
no food in bedroom
keep bedroom tidy

what do i do if he refuses?

OP posts:
EffingJeffer · 24/02/2018 18:57

"what do i do if he refuses?"

You tell him to stand on his own two adult feet, support himself and house himself. Give him an eviction date!

Slartybartfast · 24/02/2018 19:00

how could he move out?
there is no housing benefit for under 25s
why doesnt he work?

SluttyButty · 24/02/2018 19:02

Food in bedrooms isn’t a problem for me and my adult dd but having respect for the bill paying adults and contributing if not in full time education is. He should be claiming jobseekers and learning responsibility. You spent years raising him, feeding him and he should now have the gumption to pay his way, if he doesn’t then he needs a swift kick!

TheJoyOfSox · 24/02/2018 19:04

@slartybartfast. I worked in a supermarket and had my first mortgage at 21.

He can move out, he needs to get a job and pay his own rent if he doesn’t want to follow ops house rules. They seem very fair rules.

Original poster
mselastic · 24/02/2018 19:11

His sponsorship has ended- but he has decided he doesnt want to go back in that route as it involved being away for 6 months at a time.

He has a uni place for september- but that is months away

OP posts:
Original poster
mselastic · 24/02/2018 19:14

I'm aware that there is no housing benefit for under 25s. but it may be useful for him to look as bedsits are grim

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 24/02/2018 19:16

Why doesn't he have a job? A part time or zero hours one is better than nothing esp since he will be off to Uni in September.

winglesspegasus · 24/02/2018 19:18

for his 21st hand him an aplication for housing/renting
and a bill for cleaning and room and board.
do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life
anyone remember when you couldnt wait to be out on your own(at 18) and free from parents no matter how funky the living conditions and wouldnt dream of taking advantage of parents.

Snowysky20009 · 24/02/2018 19:18

My son is 18 and off to uni in September. He earns £78 per week working part time, whilst in school doing 4 A-Levels and Welsh bacc. I couldn't imagine asking him for money. I'm on ESA am doing PIP. He earns his keep by working hard, keeping up with school work, helping with the dishwasher and washing, keeping his room clean and putting the hoover over in between the cleaner.

Mamia15 · 24/02/2018 19:25

My DC had a gap year and spent it working and travelling - by the time he started Uni he had built up some savings. There is no way I would have allowed him to doss around not working or doing the chores.

eurochick · 24/02/2018 19:47

A bedsit is more than many 20 year olds can expect. I was in a room in a shared student house at that point. A bedsit would have felt like luxury!

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 24/02/2018 19:54

I didn't even have to read past 'not paying a penny towards keep'. Your house, absolutely your rules. We also don't allow food upstairs, that goes for everyone. Me and dh sometimes will have a brew in the bedroom and the children will have water in theirs but that's it. I think its unhygienic.

You need to be strong and never lend him money. He also should be giving you 30 pounds of that 50...I'm assuming your buying his food and paying all the bills, quite frankly he should give you the whole 50 pounds. There's no excuse for him to have no job, he could get one tomorrow if he really wanted one. I'm guessing he doesn't really want to though. Most pubs, cafes, restaurants have jobs pop up often. Same with fast food places and supermarkets.