When you're a single parent INSIDE a relationship

[Glitterzzz]

Sorry if this becomes long but I have to vent it all out..

I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years and we share a child together who is nearly 2. I also have a elder son who’s 10 with SEN.

My partner works as a self employed taxi driver ( although you would think he was the prime minister the way he behaves )

Ever since our son was born this has been how it is. I care alone for our child with no breaks except a Tuesday for around 4-6 hours. The time of this break happens when he gets up from working his night shift. This means I get a hour alone before I have to collect my other son from school and typically will do something with him until we return home.

Other than the once a week my partner does nothing. He leaves around 2.30pm returning around 4am when we are all sleeping. He will sleep on the sofa ( even though I’ve brough up to him I don’t mind if he comes to bed ) and when I bring the children down in the morning he will go up to bed. When he gets up our child is having his nap and he will not see his father who will typically leave the house within 30 mins to a hour of waking.

On a Sunday we do take our child out together for around 2 hours for a coffee or a bite to eat. This is the only time he sees his father. This is the only time I see my ‘ partner ‘.

I sleep alone, I wake alone, I eat alone, I conduct my days and my evenings alone. I take care of all household things from cleaning to bill paying to appointments to activities and holidays with the kids. I don’t invite him as I know he wouldn’t want to come. He takes one day a week off... but that’s on the Tuesday so I’m out the house and when I come back typically he will fall asleep on the sofa.
Even our sex life is around him and his working hours as like I said I go to bed alone every night.

I don’t feel connected to him at all. We don’t share anything apart from our child and he isn’t around for him. My son can go 2/3 days not seeing his father due to nap times and his work despite living in the same home.

Don’t think I haven’t brough this all up to him a hundred times but nothing ever changes. This last week I have had a rotten cold and not once as he helped me in any extra way.

For example the other day we had run out of milk and gas and I was battling my cold and our son was now coming down and miserable with it. Despite having his own car and being out and about he left the house with a see you later leaving me to do the school run and get what we needed.

Father’s Day, our child’s first birthday, valentines... all was him asleep due to working the previous night and then not being Awake or around to participate in any of it . I know so many men and women who despite working night shift still help their family / are hands on with their children / get up for a few hours before leaving for work.

He does none of this.

I’ve spent years with this person and I’m realising I’m basically alone. 90% of all communication is done through text once he has left the house.

His attitude is ‘ you knew what you was getting yourself in for with me becoming a taxi driver ‘ no actually what he should have said is once I start this job then forget ever seeing me .

There are so many more examples I could give but basically I’m coming to the conclusion that I may as well be alone.

Me and my son don’t benefit from his working hours. I’m not a supported housewife. I’m his partner and our money is Seperate but yes he contributes to the household and expenses for our child.

I am becoming envious of even people laughing. I forget the sound. 😪 how can anything grow between us when we share nothing but a son he hardly Sees.

I never get help with our son. It’s all down to me on top of everything else I do and my older son who I care for.

I don’t see any point to hang on.

We had a bitter row where I told him I didn’t see us as a family due to me providing the family home, running it, giving birth to our son, but him not giving himself to his family our our home life. He told me he has never seen me or our child as ‘ family ‘ either 😵😵😵

I’m not selfish to split this family up am I ?

I can’t live like this anymore

The ‘no’ text tells you all you need to know.

I’d ask him to leave.

What if he never gets his own taxi plate? What if, even once he's got one, he decides he still needs to work as many hours to earn money?

He doesn't want to change. He wants you to do what his mum did, put up and shut up.

I would also ask him to leave (if he was ever there to ask).

Glitterzzz I was in a relationship a bit like yours. My ex hardly ever saw DS, and when he was at home, he was asleep. Honestly, I was so exhausted all the time (working and doing ALL the care of DS, and doing all the home stuff too) that it used to give me the absolute rage watching him sleep.

There were other factors involved, but this was a significant factor when I threw him out when DS was about 4. DS did not notice at all when he left - ex being out of the house made absolutely no difference to his life at all.

I found being an actual single parent easier (although still bloody hard) than being a de facto single parent with a useless partner. I didn't have useless partner's stuff all over the flat, I didn't want to smother useless partner as he slept (while I was exhausted from lack of sleep), I did not have to clean up after useless partner.

Best bit was that I was able to acknowledge that I was a single parent, and I could plan weekends and stuff without waiting around for useless partner and a happy home life that would never happen in reality. I'd take DS places, meet friends, get on with life instead of dying slowly alone at home.

DS is now much older and has a good relationship with his dad, as do I. (His dad has matured a bit and has accepted some responsibility.) I don't think this good relationship would have been possible if we'd tried to stay together.

Well, that's it then. He's told you he's not even willing to make a small change. It's all about him and his wants, you and your (joint) son, are not worth his consideration. So can you just shut up about it and be nice to him!

Time to give him the boot. You'll feel so much better. Like others who have posted, I've been there too, I remember telling my friends I felt like a single parent, working, raising children, doing all the housework. It's much better actually being on your own.

He said this "He told me he has never seen me or our child as ‘ family ‘ either" and the way he acts reflects it. You've told him you don't accept the way things are and have said he isn't willing to change.

All you can do now is control your own actions. It sounds like you'd be happier single.

Well, he has now told you repeatedly he has no interest in you or his child and isnt willing to spend any time with either of you at the expense of his work / gym / sleep. He has repeatedly told you this is it. If you dont like it, tough.

If you are happy to have him in the house and continue to behave like this, you need to fill your life with friends and find your happiness and connections elsewhere.

Or you tell him to leave. I am going to guess and say you will be chasing him for maintenance and he wont be wanting to have the child in any sort or regular pattern. His terms Or Not at all. Because that is who he is.

It is down to you to decide what you want.

How you feeling Op

Oh yeah I had one of these...The type of man that thinks parenting is optional.

Yes he has funny shifts but really he needs to find more family friendly hours. I'm looking for a job now after maternity leave and it HAS to fit in with my son.

He sounds like my ex unfortunately he wants to have his cake an eat it .

Where is the care, the love and respect ? After I asked myself that question everything seemed pretty clear.
I'm sorry you are going through This, it sucks

What are his goals and plans? Is he working so much to benefit all of your lives in the long run? Saving enough to buy a house or retire early?

The long term goal is for him to get the money for
His own plate ( about £30,000) so that he will no longer be paying rent for a taxi and that money will be in his own pocket / he can rent the taxi out to another driver when he’s not using it ...

Today he gets up and I can’t believe I’m actually writing this.... tells me despite the fact he normally takes a night off a week and bearing in mind all the drama and conversations we have had that... sorry but I’m not taking any nights off this week... but that I could still get my 6 hours to muself tomorrow. I kind of just sat there in shock really and got a bit upset as he was going out the door ( 35 mins after waking ) and he asked me what’s wrong... FFS

Am I dealing with a brick wall.

I have been in exactly this situation and would say I am two years ahead of you.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to get through to him. He knows what he is doing but is actively choosing not to engage. It's like a safe zone.

The more you tear your hair out and ask him to help the more he'll go the other way. I would imagine he already thinks you get a 'break' with the 1/2 day he 'allows'.

My ex is also a workaholic, unable to connect emotionally or to step up and take responsibility. He just didn't want the trappings of fatherhood and still tries to part-time parent.

I wouldn't assume your DH will see more of your child if you split mind you. My ex sees my son for one weekend (one overnight stay) per month and calls him once a week. He is also self employed and the line is always that if he say him more often he wouldn't be able to give us any money.

Life is hard, I have no parents and no support but I feel less lonely, less injustice and less emotionally drained.

You gotta do what you gotta do - you will come out freeer and living life more on your own terms.

baddit - sorry to hear you have been through something similar. I have asked myself if I can just shut up and put up but it’s nit really who I am and I’ve done that for a couple years now until I reach the boiling point... and then we have this situation but nothing changes.

I can’t really think of anything that he gives to me or can offer me that makes this okay for me. This is my happiness at the end of the day and my life. I’m just so angry because I think had he be willing to make small changes / or hasn’t been in this job then maybe we would have been able to be a family for the long term

He's working 81 hours a week. (I think?) that's a lot and double a full time role. He seems to have a reason he's doing it, unless I've read wrong. He doesn't really have time to do much stuff atm. It doesn't seem much fun for either of you.

From another perspective, I grew up with a DF a lot like this. Other than a few hours on Saturday afternoon, I was basically raised by DM while he worked insane hours or did one of his many hobbies. My mum was often stressed and resentful, and a lot of childhood memories were spoiled because of his absence. I do wonder whether I’d been better off if they’d split.

You sound very sad and defeated. I think he said he still feels connected to you because you're still having sex with him. Meaningless to you really. I would get rid. You'll be fine without him and not feel constant let down.

OP, leave him alone. It is what he wants.

Move on and enjoy your very short, one and only precious precious life.

Is he even legally allowed to work that much as he's driving? I know lorry drivers have restrictions on the number of hours they can work.

He's just very selfish. I doubt he actually heard anything you said, because your views/wants/needs don't mean anything to him. He has his aims and goals in life, and nothing else matters (even his kid).

His parents seem to have taught him that the man goes off and has a job, and everything else is secondary. The woman's job is to facilitate the man. He wants someone to look after his kid, have sex, and do the chores. Oh, and smile.

Break the cycle, OP. You don't want your kid learning the same thing.

Am I dealing with a brick wall.

Yes, I'm really sorry, you are. Take it from one who has been there - it's actually a lot less lonely after you've got rid.

You’re right Motoko. Apparently 10 hours a day is the limit. Scary to think he’s breaching that amount.

Hmm, maybe after dumping his arse, a little chat with the DVLA or the council who license him would be in order.

It's for reasons of safety that there are restrictions on how many hours drivers can work. Imagine being a passenger near the end of his shift, if he falls asleep at the wheel.