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Original poster

Is this relative slagging me off? What would you have done?

72 replies

IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 21:30

So I live in a different country and my cousin from the USA messaged me on Facebook asking what I am currently doing in my life. I have no children. It's just me and my husband here. She asked me if I am working.

I told her I'm still studying (she knew I was studying) and that I am not working. She goes, "so you're a housewife? You have a very very nice life then!" I told her again I am studying and left it at that.

I did some other things in the past few years (I actually finished my masters, but am starting another one that will hopefully pave the way for the career I want to have, I interned in a topnotch lab, co-authored papers, etc) but I don't want to share my life too much. We come from a country wherein relatives or even people you aren't even related to feel they're entitled to judge your life. And they don't have qualms about asking questions that sound like you need to justify your life choices to them.

For context, my relative is a very very successful career woman, and 17 years older than me. I was originally supposed to move to the US to practice the same profession as hers, but that didn't push through and life took me in another direction.

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Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:05

Oh and my cousin spent years telling anyone that would listen that my dad was paying my rent/mortgage (as appropriate) for me and that I was properly cossetted. He wasn't, and I wasn't.

Actually, the niece said this too! Apparently she was under the impression that I was given an allowance after school (back home) the whole time I was already on my own and was working and paying my own bills, etc. I corrected her.

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Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:15

do not respond to questions about your private life... ever again... do what she does... ask questions...

I tried to change the topic several times! This reminded me not to answer Facebook messages quickly.

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Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:17

she thinks you need to up your game and do a PhD maybe

She does not even have a post grad degree. My family doesn't understand a world other than healthcare because everyone is in healthcare.

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FlippingFoal · 23/02/2018 22:24

To be honest you all sound as bad as each other. You sound very snobby about them when the crux of the matter is you still haven't sorted your career out. 5 years in one career and then a change into another and 3 degrees later makes you sound quite flaky...

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:25

Don't worry about it op - time will tell.

Thank you. Yes, if I succeed in what I envision, it will be worth it. :)

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Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:26

5 years in one career and then a change into another and 3 degrees later makes you sound quite flaky...

I migrated to a country and my previous qualification wasn't recognized here. What was I to do?

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Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:28

You sound very snobby about them

How? I said she's a very successful career woman. She does not have a postgrad degree, yes, but that's my answer to the PP saying maybe she thinks I should do a PhD.

I can't be snobby about her - she is very, very successful in her career! Like top management successful.

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YellowMakesMeSmile · 23/02/2018 22:32

That said, I would secretly think that an eternal student might, just might, be avoiding the Work place

5 years in one career and then a change into another and 3 degrees later makes you sound quite flaky

I think most people would come to that conclusion including employers.

UserSnoozer · 23/02/2018 22:35

If anything it's your niece slagging you off, not your cousin

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:35

I think most people would come to that conclusion including employers.

I agree.

But we need to consider the context - I moved to a new country. When I arrived, my qualification was assessed as not comparable, and I was told to study again.

So I did.

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Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 23/02/2018 22:41

Sorry, but what FlippingFoal said....with bells on. I understand the predicament you're in, but yes, employers will view you as extremely flaky

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:46

I understand the predicament you're in, but yes, employers will view you as extremely flaky

So a person moves to another country, gets told she needed to study again because her qualifications are not comparable, so she studies again, gets an opportunity to intern in a lab that's working on the intersection of her previous qualification and a new field, receives a scholarship offer to go into a niche field, takes the scholarship....that's considered extremely flaky?

What should she have done after she got told her qualifications were not comparable and she needed to go back to school then?

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SandAndSea · 23/02/2018 22:51

I really hate all this judgement. People need to mind their own business. Keep living your life your way, OP.

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:51

Also, the niche field is a field wherein the previous qual/experience will greatly contribute to.

I actually thought I was going after amazing opportunities, but I guess some people consider it as being flaky.

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Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/02/2018 22:53

I really hate all this judgement. People need to mind their own business. Keep living your life your way, OP.

Thank you.

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HermionesRightHook · 23/02/2018 23:03

I don't see how anyone can say you're being flaky without seeing your CV - in some fields it would be fairly clear to any employer used to deal with international staff (science in general, academia) that you needed to requalify or choose something else.

There's a whole thing these days that people with professional type jobs should expect to have four or five careers in a lifetime - sounds like you're on number two to me.

And just answer your relatives with totally positive non-commital answers from now on. "Oh yes, uni and my work -placement- have been really full on, how is your daughter/husband/goldfish/ornamental crochet obsession?" If they don't answer the question, don't answer them - monologue about how successful and lovely they are and how nice it must be for them.

Mybrows · 23/02/2018 23:16

Does she perhaps feel disapproving of you living on your husband's salary (as I assume you are - apologies if family money etc)? A lot of career women would look down on that and perhaps even feel a bit disappointed in their relative (I confess I would a bit, just because I feel women should never rely on a man).

At the same time, though, who cares what they think? Put it from your mind and get on with living your best life for you.

redexpat · 23/02/2018 23:21

I moved to another country, my degree wasnt recognised, so I learned the language, did another degree and 10.5 yrs after I moved here I had my first day of paid employment today Smile

Another way to stall them is to say why do you ask, why do you want to know?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 23/02/2018 23:24

Er, why are you explaining this to us? Message it all back to her. Say, no, I am doing xxx, yyy, zzz, etc because www, ggg etc.

Is she single without kids and you’re married with kids so she assumes you’re a housewife? If so stick the boot on the other foot. Ask her if she’s finally found anybody dumb enough to knock her up before her ovaries atrophy.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 23/02/2018 23:40

No OP, according to most posters you should have given up on your dreams and settled for an admin job or something similar that you are over qualified for Hmm ....

Ignore all the negativity; you know the truth - that’s what matters! Best of luck x

Pasithea · 24/02/2018 00:10

Due to my disability I have no kids, no college or uni qualifications , I have a cleaner and don’t work. You should hear what my family say about me.

MrsSkeletor · 24/02/2018 00:48

I'm with you OP - you are taking an adventurous path, moving countries, requalifying as needed, exciting internships. Sounds like a full and exciting career. But I'm a flaky academic, so what do I know?

Italiangreyhound · 24/02/2018 00:54

Just ignore her @IsThisMeToo it's none of her business. Thanks

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 24/02/2018 01:14

Is she single without kids and you’re married with kids so she assumes you’re a housewife?

No, she's married with two kids who are grown up (in their 20s).

I have no kids and married.

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Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 24/02/2018 01:15

I moved to another country, my degree wasnt recognised, so I learned the language, did another degree and 10.5 yrs after I moved here I had my first day of paid employment today.

Yay for you!!! Congratulations!!! :)

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