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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with Dh?

69 replies

NameAndNappyChanger · 23/02/2018 09:15

He's just quit his fucking job.
Without saying a word to me - because he's been offered another one. But this one is a 50% paycut (less hours, too, which I empathise with, I know he's overworked) but now it's going to be bloody tight to get everything done. If he'd talked to me we could've prepared at least by saving and paying off a few bills in bulk rather than month to month, or I could've helped him find something that wasn't so much of a salary drop... but we don't have those options now.
I'm really upset he didn't talk to me. Aibu?

OP posts:

Greenster · 23/02/2018 10:29

I wonder if you’ve really been open with him about the implications of having a fourth child when he hates his job and feels stressed as it is?

If I were him I’d feel a bit railroaded into working forever. Especially as you’re going to be unable to help out for years and only then on a very casual (therefore low) salary. I might be completely wrong and he may have been completely on board for a big family. But did you really talk through what it would mean for him. If not, he might not have felt so minded to talk it through with you. To what extent are you the driver of family decisions?

StormTreader · 23/02/2018 10:30

His new job is part-time then? What is he planning on doing with the other 4 days where hes not working?

HeartCurrent · 23/02/2018 10:33

I'd be fuming. You can't just drop a job without discussing it with your partner first, yanbu if you have responsibilities and bills together and he's just quit without a word to you then you have every right to be angry and upset.

JaneEyre70 · 23/02/2018 10:33

So basically he's gone from a full time job to a part time one, with a wife and 4 kids to support including a very young baby. I'd be absolutely furious to have not discussed it together, and I would hand him the finances over and let him stretch the money for a while and see how it goes. Whether he was stressed or not is irrelevant - he's made a massive decision on his own, and that would trouble me.

PieAndPumpkins · 23/02/2018 10:34

Errrr yes I'd be fucking irate! That is enormously irresponsible... does he KNOW you can live in his wages only working 3 days a week?? Maybe you need to sit down with him and lay out all the bills so that he can see how tight this would make you. Unless it doesn't and he earns really well, in which case... I guess he earned it. He still should have discussed it with you though, that was really disrespectful.

notapizzaeater · 23/02/2018 10:35

How much will he earn with the overtime ? Will it close the gap ?

notacooldad · 23/02/2018 10:37

My first question would be to be to myself and wondering if everything was ok or had I missed , dismissed or unwittingly ignored something DP was trying to tell me.

I can't imagine many people with a reasonable income and a family to support would gladly reduce their hours and pay unless they were really unhappy with their work.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2018 10:38

I wonder if you’ve really been open with him about the implications of having a fourth child when he hates his job and feels stressed as it is?

Um. He couldn't have worked that out for himself?

MichaelBendfaster · 23/02/2018 10:46

to his credit he doesn't ''make' work for me, is generally pretty clean and will help out without being told to.

That's not to his credit It's what you'd expect from anyone over the age of about twelve, let alone a competent adult who's your partner. And it's not 'help', FFS.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/02/2018 10:52

It's the fact that he took this decision without even mentioning it that is worrying. Either his MH is pretty poor (and there are quite a few men who would not discuss the fact that they are on the verge of a breakdown, because they think that would be unmanly, so they make stupid choices instead) or he just expects you to suck up whatever he does because he is The Man. You know him better than we do - has he previously been inclined towards selfishness or irresponsibility or thoughtlessness?

Greenster · 23/02/2018 11:04

Nanny Ogg, I guess I meant open to hearing how he felt about it. The OP may be completely empathic and willing to talk through all family decisions, taking into account both people’s perspectives. Or perhaps she isn’t. Sometimes asking yourself these questions is more important/useful than just having your own point of view validated.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2018 11:07

Perhaps OP didn't bully him into having 5 kids whilst she sat around doing nothing all day except all the childcare, cleaning, cooking, finances, organising etc

DaphneduM · 23/02/2018 11:09

Your husband must have been very stressed to take this extreme course of action without consulting you. Whilst I appreciate you do everything regarding the house, children and finances, he has the pressure of being the main breadwinner to a large family. I would sit down with him when the children are in bed and have a wide ranging, non judgmental and open discussion about not just your finances, but the whole modus operandi of your family and the future. What he has done is a massive red flag and I think you need to tread very gently and carefully to find out what lies behind it all and how you can help him feel less pressured.

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/02/2018 11:11

“I’d think lots of people would go from "comfortable" to "things will be quite tight but doable" if you were to take away half of their income.”

No, most people would fall on their arses and not be able to survive. So if he’s still supporting you all then I think he’s doing what he needs to do, you can hardly moan that he’s not making enough because you want more extras?

Get a job yourself and share childcare? Might even scare him into going full time again.

OliviaBenson · 23/02/2018 11:14

I'd be livid. I think you need to hand over the finances to him and get him to figure out how it's going to work....

MichaelBendfaster · 23/02/2018 11:19

I'd be livid. I think you need to hand over the finances to him and get him to figure out how it's going to work....

I agree. He's been completely irresponsible. He needs to realise the consequences.

cygnet12 · 23/02/2018 20:20

Can understand why he did it but def should have let you know he was doing it

Girlfrommars77 · 23/02/2018 22:46

Really empathise with you OP and you need to kindly tell him how tough this is.

I agree with pp that this is not a sign that your partner had good mental health in the job he’s quit. So other things may improve

Desperate should come in the form of a conversation first, desperate doesn’t come out of the blue. It’s a planning thing with an end in sight and major planning to take a drop in money.

No, desperate doesn’t always come out the blue. But sometimes it’s hard/impossible to talk to someone who you love and care for, and are providing for when you feel utterly desperate. Desperation and depression are mind numbingly horrific.

I feel for the op and her dh

Clem7 · 23/02/2018 23:14

I’m not saying he did what was right, but working 48 hours/6 days a week must have been awful. I’d probably snap too.

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