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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with Dh?

69 replies

NameAndNappyChanger · 23/02/2018 09:15

He's just quit his fucking job.
Without saying a word to me - because he's been offered another one. But this one is a 50% paycut (less hours, too, which I empathise with, I know he's overworked) but now it's going to be bloody tight to get everything done. If he'd talked to me we could've prepared at least by saving and paying off a few bills in bulk rather than month to month, or I could've helped him find something that wasn't so much of a salary drop... but we don't have those options now.
I'm really upset he didn't talk to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 23/02/2018 09:57

Massive drip feed there, you're cross at him for bringing in less of a salary whilst you don't help at all financially? Not everyone with children waits until they are at school before working but then again not everybody keeps on having more children when finances are so precarious.

You would be working around his hours or even swapping roles for a while whilst he needs a life change.

Whilst I have sympathy for him with four children and the two of you now having just twenty five hours work between you it's waning fast.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2018 10:02

it's hard to tell if he was being unreasonable, if he can still meet his share of the financial obligations etcwell assuming it was a mutual decision to have 3 kids and OP provide the vast majority of childcare, his share is not just 50%

you don't help at all financially? yes, she looks after the kids which means they don't have trip find that money elsewhere.
Not everyone with children waits until they are at school before working but then again not everybody keeps on having more children when finances are so precarious not everyone does but meant people make s cost judgement to bout return and their finances WEREN'T precarious, he was earning a good salary

MirandaWest · 23/02/2018 10:03

The OP does have an 8 week old baby which would make working harder.

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/02/2018 10:06

Maybe get a job and he can look after the kids for awhile so he can recuperate?
He may have been desperate and overworked. A conversation should have happened but if he was about to have a breakdown then he may not have known how to word it at all.
I’d be angry personally, but that’s because I know the situation with DPs nob, if your DP was otherwise happy then it’s super weird but he may have been made redundant and not told you

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/02/2018 10:06

Job not nob* Grin

SleepySheepy · 23/02/2018 10:07

I'd be upset, he could have at least spoken to you about it first. It obviously wasn't a 'heat of the moment' thing if he's got another one lined up. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a discussion on things that impact you both so much.

Married3Children · 23/02/2018 10:07

Sorry but the fact the OP isnt working isn’t here nor there.
The issue is the not communicating to the OP, accepting a HUGE wage drop which leave the WHOLE FAMILY, incl his 4 dcs, in the shit financially.
Esp as the OP not working has presumably being a choice that they made TOGETHER and he was therefore happy with that choice. I wouod also assume that he was also in board with having 4 dcs knowing full well that it also implies one of them NOT working whilst the other was RESPONSIBLE to bring the money in. (Due to the cost of childcare)
No point having a go at the OP for being a SAHM when they BOTH took that decision in the first place!!

If one way to solve the issue is for the OP to work, then he should have talked about it and see if there was a way to make it work.
Tbh, I would have seen a situation where the OP was working at weekends for example whilst he was looking after all 4 dcs in his own, cleaning the house and doing all the washing etc that needs doing as a really good solution.

But putting people in the spot like this isn’t on.

I wouod be furious

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2018 10:08

Not sure swapping to 4 kids inc a fairly new one, ask the budgeting, meal planning etc and possibly breastfeeding is going to be less stressful...

CougheeBean · 23/02/2018 10:08

DP did something like this once, I told him that I wouldn't be subsidising his poor choices and still expected him to contribute the same amount, so he just had far less spending/personal money. Had we spoken about it, we would have come to an agreement on a "fair" split like we have many times before, but it's not OK to be dropped into a stressful situation because someone has selfishly not given warning. I would never, ever, ever do something like that to him - I doubt you would either if you're the one in charge of finances. Let him fix it. If he's capable of making this decision alone he's capable of figuring out how to make it work.

JugglingMummyof2 · 23/02/2018 10:08

The OP has 4 children I believe not 3?
Op YANBU - If my DH did this I am not sure our marriage would survive. In a marriage/LTR neither should make such a major decision without consulting the other.

user1492958275 · 23/02/2018 10:09

If he has gone down to 25 hours over 3 days I would second the others that say it's worth while you getting a part time job on the days he isn't working then there is no childcare involved.

I've been there with the stress of work and it got so bad I can't explain the places I went to in my head. I crashed my car on one very tired day and handed in my notice the next!

No amount of money is worth mental health suffering.

Now you could both potentionally work a job and childcare together as a couple.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/02/2018 10:11

I don’t know. I would be cross that he hasn’t told me because it’s a huge thing he hasn’t talked to you about.

However, he’s the sole breadwinner, no doubt under huge pressure with a wife and four kids to feed ans house. I don’t think it’s your right to dictate what job he does to fund you all. Especially as it seems you will cope with the lesser salary.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2018 10:11

He works 6 days a week, I'm not convinced he's going to be so willing to take on a practically newborn plus 3 other kids and cooking and cleaning when OP has clearly been doing the lion and the lioness' share of childcare.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/02/2018 10:12

YANBU

He’s a father of 4 young children, it’s irresponsible.

He was only doing 48 hours, less than most people who work full time and certainly not long hours at all.

Well, I’d say he has two choices now, he finds a way of making up the lost wages or he takes full responsibility for the children and the housework/laundry/meals on his non working days and you find a job. Frankly, that’s the option I’d plump for because I’d no longer trust him to pull his weight & do what’s right for the family. I’d want to get back to work to have some security, even though I’d be furious about having been out in that position having expected to be a SAHM for my children.

I think though, the lying is what would ultimately make me think very hard about my marriage though. He planned all of this behind your back.

...and his ‘what’s done is done’ & ‘it’ll work out’ wouldn’t be tolerated At All. He needs to see what he has done is totally unacceptable and the consequences of it will have to be discussed. He’s a grown man, with 4 kids, not a teenager living at home. FFS.

MammaTJ · 23/02/2018 10:12

My first husband kept leaving jobs, mainly with nothing to go to. The final time he rang me at work, told me he couldn't stand his (rather cushy) job any longer and was leaving, I told him if he left then I would leave him.

He left, so I left.

Your situation is not ideal but it does sound as though, with planned cutbacks, you will manage.

When my DC were little, I worked nights in care homes. Maybe that could work for you. I started with 2 nights a week separated by a night to sleep! I napped when the children napped.

annawoolfworries · 23/02/2018 10:12

She has an 8 week old baby. Why should she sort out the mess her dh has made. I was still in lots of pain at 8 weeks post birth. Honestly people on here think sahp should go back to work after a day

TittyGolightly · 23/02/2018 10:16

He was only doing 48 hours, less than most people who work full time and certainly not long hours at all.

Erm, what now?!

TotHappy · 23/02/2018 10:17

Is he expecting you to get a job as well on the other two days while he does the childcare? I'm guessing not since he hasn't discussed it with you. And i wouldn't be going back to work with an 8 week baby. Poor you. Of course he should've spoken to you

Cheby · 23/02/2018 10:19

He’s gone part time?! Lazy fucker. I’d be considering leaving him over this. No communication about the change and thinks it’s ok for him to only work part time while his wife looks after 4 kids, including an 8 week old baby with all the night feeds that go with that, as well as manages all the finances and the household?

I would consider work a break from all that!

Original poster
NameAndNappyChanger · 23/02/2018 10:19

I do all childcare, cooking, money management; carry all of the "mental load" but to his credit he doesn't ''make' work for me, is generally pretty clean and will help out without being told to.
Childcare would cost above $400 more than I'd earn per week, presuming full time work.
Part time of 20hrs would cost about $150 more than id earn, per week. So with mutual agreement I'm staying home till the kids are at school (2 are, 1 will be very soon and 1 is 8wks old) working around him isn't realistic as his days will vary so he may do Monday to Wednesday on week one then do Monday Thursday and Friday on week two and so on. It's the nature of his job. But as school is of course set hours I can at least work around that some of the time.
Our finances weren't precarious at all thank you very much, but I'd think lots of people would go from "comfortable" to "things will be quite tight but doable" if you were to take away half of their income.
In any case I wasn't looking to have the situation ripped apart I just wanted to know if I was U on one aspect, I have that answer. Thanks to those who've tried to help and a big middle finger to the knobheads treating me like I'm a freeloading scrounger...

OP posts:
Makingworkwork · 23/02/2018 10:21

As your partner has more time and he has created this situation without speaking to your first I think he should take over budgeting and meal planning.

Allthewaves · 23/02/2018 10:22

Assuming he's not an arse it really does sound like something is up with him.

How was he mentally coping with his job?
Could he have been bullied?

It does sound like he's jumped and as iv said unless he's an arse there's something going on with him

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 23/02/2018 10:25

I think the ‘is he generally an arse?’ factor is quite important here.

diddl · 23/02/2018 10:26

Annoying that he didn't discuss it first, I agree, but if it's "tight but doable"-he's still managing to support everyone?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2018 10:27

Tbh OP I assume he was in a pretty good wage previously as if DH's salary halved we'd be moving in with his parents and selling his comics...

I would def expect him to help around the house more OP irrespective of whether you get a job around him. He is 25 hours, you are full time. Time he shared that work load