Neighbour texted to tell us we are noisy - AIBU?

[forevergrateful]

Yesterday around 5:30pm I was playing Land, Air and Sea with my daughter. She was playing, I was conducting (Ok, ok, i showed her how to do the jumping jacks - just one time, maybe two). About 6pm we got a text from my neighbour asking if we were doing any DIY in the house and if we could make sure it is not done too late. I had actually forgotten about the game and asked what time they heard noise as I could figure out what was going on. I thought it might be the kids jumping on the bed around bed time. My neighbours are 3 girls in their early to mid-twenties. She replied back saying it was different times of the day and it felt like it was coming through their wall and that they had heard it just before she texted me. At that point I was a bit miffed because at the risk of outing myself as the worst mum ever, I have to admit that my kids (DD 7 and DS 2) nearly always watch TV (I work from home and apart from school and activities, I can't to engage with them before 6pm) and I have to literally wage war to get them to do anything physical. Only recently had I started to get my daughter to do the moves to just dance and sometime my DS joins in. And that doesn’t last past 30 minutes anyway. DS is two and we have had some tantrums and throwing things on the floor but I am not going to be able to fix that overnight either. So basically what I am saying is that we are mostly ‘yellers’ not ‘bangers’ and the neighbor definitely said ‘banging’. I replied back to her saying that since we only hear them when they have friends over at the weekends I didn’t realize that our noise travelled on a daily basis and that we would keep it down. To which she replied that she was sorry we could hear them and that they would try not to be loud. But of course, after a night’s sleep I have had time to reflect but still at a loss as to how to proceed.

We live in a semi with wooden floors. Carpets, perhaps? Should I reserve Land, Air, Sea for Boxing Day? Can I play floor is lava today or should I just suck it and grow couch potatoes? What do you y'all do? I know the park is great for letting steam off but I hate the cold weather and I am not about to let the kids play in the street on their own like we did 20 years ago. Besides its too dark at 6pm. Are your kids all sitting down to play? No jumping except on special occasions? Is 30 mins a day too much?

jkl0311 I can't see anywhere that you take them to the park to play after 6pm?

The sound will amplify so sound louder next door.
I live in a terrace and the noise from your neighbours can really stress you out, especially when it's constant and you can hear it in every room. I have had some awful neighbours and one set made me quite depressed. I had to get Environmental Health involved in the end, and I was then subjected to a "punishment hour" from 10pm to 11pm everyday. Thankfully they moved shortly after, possibly as they'd pissed most of the street off with their parking.

Maybe you could still play these games with your children, but when they are out at work.

No but when your dc gets out of school at 3 go then, that wfh arrangement you have is not fair on your kids and I can well imagine stressing you all out that you are a noisy household. Can you remember your mum raising you with your eyes glued to a tv whilst she worked on her laptop ?

You don’t have to whisper to each other and tiptoe around the house but at the same time jumping on wooden floors and regularly shouting at each other isn’t really on when your neighbour is attached.

I think you need to practice your ‘inside voice’ OP.

Maybe you could still play these games with your children, but when they are out at work

She is working until 6 herself.

An hour or so of kids playing in the evening is not excessive noise.

Jumping jacks on a wooden floor is going to be pretty noisy - poor neighbours, sounds like they sent quite a nice message. Mitigating steps like mats would be good (appreciate why you haven't gone for carpets), Good for you though for encouraging exercise, even thought it's turned a bit rambunctious (if that's the right word) and noisy

Oh you sound a nightmare neighbour
I bet they hear you yelling and just didn't like to say
Why are you yelling anyway?! Poor DC.

I know the allergy thing can be an issue but rubber matting might help
I hate the cold too but the DC need to be out
I've no objection to TV because they also need to wind down

But generally they need to go a green space to play and it is only fair to keep the noisy games there.

An hour or so of kids playing in the evening is not excessive noise.

Agreed but three hours of kids jumping on hard wood floors and shouting is likely to be stressful for neighbours and it seems that there's an easy solution (rugs or kids play mats on surfaces that are likely to be jumped on). Surely that's just basic consideration for your neighbours since you know it's bothering them.

You aren't "yellers", you've taught your children to be load.

My DD is a gob on legs and wonders why her eldest DD is so loud, yet she knows about mirroring good behaviour.

As said, get them out and be aware of how load you shout. I've noticed that people who are loud, get louder and lose a sense of perspective about their noise level.

You need to be a bit more considerate of the noise you and your family make and how it affects your neighbours.

I have texted my neighbour in the past to get him to get his dog to shut up.

The chances are, if they've got to the point of texting you at 6pm, you make a lot more noise than you're aware of or it carries in a way that is extremely invasive for your neighbours.
My neighbours work from home and have kids and the noise is constant. Shouting, screaming, singing, music, banging, knocking, running etc. They rarely take their kids to play outside.
Sometimes we can't even sit in our living room.
It's not good enough to say that they have to put up with it because they live next door to a family. If you're attached you have to be considerate. You can get carpets and stop shouting, it's not that hard.

jkl0311 Are you suggesting i wfo and return at 7.30pm every day? My employers already let me wfh so i can get back to my kids at 6. I don't think they are about to give me a break between 3-4 to go to the park. I am doing the best for my kids. I knew I was going to get flak for yelling at my kids now and then or letting them watch tv too much (I could have said that they play lego or nap or read while i work but that would just be a big fat lie in the context of this discussion which would take away any validity of the advice i would receive) and i take on board the advice to use my inside voice all the time.

When i was young we played outside and lets not forget its different times we live in now. My parents hardly played with us. We climbed trees or had friends over every day to play with or went to others houses. We didn't live in these time when we have to beg other parents for play dates albeit worrying if someone in their house might be on the offenders register. We don't all have family living nearby.

My question specifically was this. Are your children doing active play during the day and if they did was it rare or frequent and does it lead to neighbor discord? I was miffed because they told me this when they have house parties up until 1am Saturday nights. But I have always considered this young people noise and not once brought it up. As one OP said we are all different in the levels of noise we can tolerate. So I assume they can hear us louder than we can hear them, plus the wooden floors. We will be careful in the future naturally but its a pain.

And is it just me? I thought all mums yelled at one time or another? I insist, my kids don’t shout. I certainly don't want them to mirror my behaviour so I will be working on that too in the future.

I would stop the yelling if you can. I wouldn’t get carpets if they aren’t suitable for your daughter but maybe a rug would help or a plastic mat when you are playing these games. We make quite a lot of noise when playing family games but the kids are in bed by 7 every night so no noise after that as me and DH just watch tv, there is no noise during the day as it’s just me here and we never have people round or play loud music. My ndn still complains but that’s tough, their baby cries for hours at night and during the day and we have never once said anything because that’s what babies do. Being noisy sometimes is what kids do. It’s give a take. Try to be respectful but you still need to live your life! But the yelling needs to stop for your children’s sake mor me than the neighbours.

For your neighbour to feel they need to text, the noise must be pretty bad or has got to the point where it's driving them mad. I've been there myself, left it and left it till I thought I was going to go potty so had to say something even though I really didn't want to as didn't want to ruin the friendliness with neighbour or cause more issues.

I think them texting was a good idea as it gives you a chance to take in what they're saying rather than being confronted with it on your doorstep which could have caused embarrassment, it's also given you a chance to tell them about weekend noise (which they've apologised for too).

Ok but for what about when OP doesn’t say anything to their loud house parties? It has to work both ways

Your neighbours have asked you to be quieter, and it does sound like you were being rowdy. But that said, they can not expect a family with children to be silent. I hear our neighbours children in their garden all summer and there is three gardens between them and us.
On the plus side for you, they (your neighbours) jhave set the noise standards now, so you are quite entitled to ask them to pipe down should they ever make any sound.

I live in a semi with very loud neighbours, they have lots of boisterous play and never talk when shouting will do. To top it off they bought a dog which cries and barks when left alone.
It absolutely drives me mad.
However I do recognise that I probably like a quieter calmer house than others and invariably let them carry on, unless things get really annoying.
I do think active games indoors are a bit off when you live in a smaller house with wooden floors though, I don’t do anything particularly active with my dd indoors because I assume that playing at school and extracurricular activities are enough through winter. Once the nights are lighter she’s out playing as long as possible.
So yeah, I’m afraid I think YABU and inconsiderate.

LuckyAmy1986 - I will work on it, promise.

Hmm, we have all laminate/wooden floors which were here when we move in but we're quite quiet - when I'm at home alone (most of the time) I don't have the tv or music on and I can hear everything from next door, even their cutlery on the plate when they are eating. I have super sensitive hearing though.

Maybe we should get carpets, we only have them in the bedrooms.

Is there a reason why your work has to be carried out in core hours? Meetings etc? Or if your employers are already willing to let you work from home would they accommodate a change in hours to 9-3 then 7-10 rather than 9-6? Or could you shorten your hours or look into after school or Nursery childcare? I agree that children need to be active and 6pm is too late to be taking them out to the park, especially in winter but expecting them to play quietly at home without your involvement for 3 hours a night until you finish work sounds pretty stressful all round.

We used to play games like that at Brownies and I remember them being hugely noisy games (yes obviously a pack of brownies make more noise, but a few kids on wooden floors will still make a racket. It's more of an outdoor game. Carpets or foam mats would help a bit, but it's still a pretty noisy game to inflict on neighbours! Could you not find a compromise, something that uses energy still but makes less noise? Could they join a club so they play games out of the house with other kids?

I'm actually suggesting this as a solution as it all sounds pretty stressful for yourself and the kids? Maybe look at breakfast club and start earlier? Or for a couple years cut work back? Or at least do it when they are asleep, how many hours does your OH work? Try and schedule stuff in better. Hand on heart I don't raise my voice to kids unless they are in immediate danger, yelling rarely works at any age. I'm just suggesting balance work and family and the rest may come hand in hand. For the sake of a few last thousand there's so many ways to balance up than be stressing and finishing at 6 to then start tea, you won't be putting your best self forward. I know I've been there and your trying your best but doing a half job of it all. I trimmed my hours slightly and my gosh what a difference it made to my well being and made slight changes to our budgets and we are no worse off.