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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't want to move..

30 replies

Kdee52 · 22/02/2018 22:46

Hi everyone,

I've been married for 3 years, and initially agreed with hubby that we would live in an area close to his family. After 3 long years I am fed up with being so close to his family. Within a 2 minute walk from us there are no less than 6 of his immediate relatives homes. Uncles/ aunties/ Parents all live on the same main road, and his sister lives opposite us.

My main problem is that his sister tries to one up everything we do while belittling all the hard work we have put into our own home. I have bitten my tongue for so long and not said anything to her, but I am fed up with the constant keeping up with the Jones' charade. I worry about us trying to start a family with so many people wanting to be involved in every decision we make.

Me and hubby have been very responsible and worked hard to pay off the mortgage on our 3 bed terraced house. We now own it outright.

I want to put the house on the market and look for another property, but husband is completely ignoring my pleas to move. I understand that he feels we are safe in this house, able to afford a little luxury now the mortgage has been paid, but I dont want the luxury. We have one car between us, and I walk to work to save money. I just want to move and as soon as humanly possible. I'm becoming desperate without wanting to rock the boat with hubby. Ivf coming up soon, and hoping for the best.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 22/02/2018 23:10

It seems like he was very clear about the sort of life he wanted, and he's got it. I don't think you're going to get him to move without risking splitting up with him.

littlemissrain · 23/02/2018 00:06

He's got the life he always wanted and you agreed to. Why would he change?

I think you would be unreasonable to give up a house with no mortgage just to get away from relatives. You simply need to get better at establishing boundaries.

GreenTulips · 23/02/2018 00:09

Get some estate agents leaflets and get the house valued

you then have some facts - example the difference in price - mortgage costs etc

Then you can see if you get anything better value for money

Bigger garden garage man shed loft room (Xbox /cinema/ swimming pool!) and sell him the facts

Peekaboo3 · 23/02/2018 00:11

Have to admit, that would drive me batshit, living within pissing distance of family. 3-4 miles yeah ... but in the same street? Fuck that.

If your DH doesn't wanna move there isn't much you can do really.... Sad

ineedaholidaynow · 23/02/2018 00:14

When you agreed to live in the same area as his family, did you specify how big the area could be? I would find living on the same street as family (either mine or DH's) really hard, and I get on with most of them.

Could you move to a different part of the town, so still quite close but would be able to have some privacy from them?

newcarsmell · 23/02/2018 00:26

Well if you decide to move and say you want half the house he's not going to have much choice is he? I'm not saying LTB, but I think he is forgetting that the house is as much yours as his and you can't be forced to live there.
There is not a chance in hell I'd have a baby with that many of his family members in such close proximity. They will be living out of your pockets.
I would probably speak to him about putting ivf on hold until the living situation has been sorted.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/02/2018 00:40

How far away would you want to move? Huge Difference between relocating from say Bristol to London, than say Bristol to Perth.

frasier · 23/02/2018 00:52

I don't know how you stand it.
Get the house valued, no harm in that. Start looking on rightmove or wherever.As GreenTulips says, sell it to him.

Schools! Research schools and sell him a great catchment area, park, playgroups.

What are his hobbies? What would his ideal house have? Big garden? Double garage? Park or gym down the road?

NualaCassia · 23/02/2018 01:02

I don’t see why he should agree to move since you’re the one who has changed the goalposts however I understand how draining it can be living somewhere you really don’t want to be so I would go with the PP’s suggestion of finding a house and really selling in to him, you can still be close to his family without having to live in each other’s pockets.

frasier · 23/02/2018 01:11

But life moves on and goalposts do move. I don't think it's unreasonable after living there for three years to want to move. OP, it's your turn to choose!

Original poster
Kdee52 · 23/02/2018 08:03

Thank you for your responses, most of which I have reasoned with In my head for months now. I do feel that I have a good relationship with his family, I just don't want to get to stage where I feel so stifled that I can't deal with it any more. Dinner with them all is once a week (and come rain or shine we must attend -traditional Indian family) , and weekly updates are had on all things to do with our lives. I also work from home as part of my job, Whereas Dh works away a lot, so I am the one they see everyday walking to and from work. He's not very chatty with his family but that's just how he is, so when they want to know stuff they ask me! As for hubbies hobbies!!! He loves a run in the park daily in spring/summer months and the park and river is at the end of our street. Ideal location, its just not where i want to be. I have been looking at houses and have found one I want dh to go and see in a different area, but he is very reluctant and I don't want to fight when we are a generally happy/functional couple.

I also feel that I may need some help from my mum when we do have a baby, and she lives across town. The drive across town drives me crazy due to the traffic problems getting out of where we currently live.

I don't feel it's unreasonable to want to move, and yes I do own half the house as we bought the house together and paid the mortgage together. We both work, and both manage house finances together.

On the flip side hubby keeps telling me we can save for a few years and then move to a bigger place. The thought of being here 3 more years makes me want to pack a bag.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sarsparella · 23/02/2018 08:10

That would drive me insane - I wouldn’t live that close to my family, let alone his

If you’ve paid off the Mortgage there’s no need to save up to move! He’s stalling, you could easily move using the equity in your house

newcarsmell · 23/02/2018 08:14

Yanbu. However you're not a functional couple if you can't talk about this. He doesn't get to make all the decisions and you just go along with it to avoid a fight.
Speak to him. Tell him you are serious.

Original poster
Kdee52 · 23/02/2018 08:19

Spoken to my parents about this and they have told me to be patient, that when a baby comes things change. But going through IVF which such intrusive people on my doorstep- and not wanting them to know a thing is going to be difficult.

OP posts:
LyndaLaHughes · 23/02/2018 08:23

Have you tried it from the angle of being close to your mum? I think that will be a huge help when you have a baby. That is how I would be pushing it.

Peanutbuttercheese · 23/02/2018 08:35

The thing that really changes when you have a baby's is you have less time as a couple and depending on baby sleeps you may also end up with a lot less sleep.

Now is the time to sort this out, chucking a baby in to your life however wanted and loved does just make it harder.

The problem is you agreed to something and now you have tried it you don't like it. You really need to talk about this and delay baby plans until you are both satisfied with some sort of genuine mutual agreement.

Original poster
Kdee52 · 23/02/2018 13:18

I keep telling myself people move house all the time. It's not a big deal. I really need to learn to be more assertive and say what I really want.

Wish me luck.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 23/02/2018 13:25

The mistake you are making is dragging his family into your he arguement

You need to explain - YOU want to change homes, you want to be nearer your parents, you are home alone more often and want to be closer to shops/nursery/schools/your sisters, or you'd like an extra room or larger garden/garage/

Do not say negatives about his family because this will get his back up!

Then drop him some leaflets - I like the look of this house, can we just go and have a look? I'm going anyway so it would be nice if you to join me. He may well like the house!

Good luck

FizzyGreenWater · 23/02/2018 13:31

'I don't intend to start a family until we have a little more distance, because I don't want to fall out with your family. They are lovely, and I am glad that we are close, but at the moment we are too physically close and that has to change before I'm willing to have IVF. If we have a baby while we are here, I will feel stifled and they will interfere. I want to have a good relationship with them and that is going to have to mean enough physical distance so that we can live our own lives without having to tell them to back off - that would hurt them. So - in the interests of FAMILY HARMONY, no to IVF/ttc until we move. Sorry.'

Bluelady · 23/02/2018 13:37

Oh God, this sounds horrific. I'd be seriously considering telling him he can agree to move and take on another smaller mortgage or he can kiss me and half the house goodbye.

Original poster
Kdee52 · 23/02/2018 13:45

I haven't ever said anything bad about his family to him, just having a spill out on here that this is how I feel. I don't want any animosity with the family, if we have a baby I want my child to see both sets of grandparents regularly. Just not every day. It's a bit much.

I know he isn't silly and he probably knows how I feel, but aside from me giving lots of hints that I want to move house I'm at a loss.

I don't want to force the issue by going behind his back and start booking viewings or getting our house valued, because that's not me and it would hurt him.

I want to maintain some level of trust in our marriage, I think you guys are right in that I need to sit down and have a proper talk with him about how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kdee52 · 23/02/2018 13:47

FIZZYGREENWATER you got exactly how I feel down in words. Though I'm not sure I could say it, it's the harsh reality of the situation.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/02/2018 14:26

Ultimatum time I think OP.

NotEnglish · 23/02/2018 14:30

"DH, I know You are happy here but I AM NOT. I want to move to a differnet are/house. So how do you think we should proceed now?"

Really, stop "giving hints" and tell him outright that you are unhappy and have been for a while.
If he then doesnT start to work on a solution togeter with you, I'd strongly advise to LTB. ;-)

GreenTulips · 23/02/2018 14:41

Looking at houses isn't breaking trust - it's window shopping!

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