Can I ask a really horrible question, for those of you with teenage girls

[blackgarden]

If you were dying, and you had a teenage daughter, would you want to spend time with her?

It’s nearly 20 years since I lost my mother and I don’t know, I suppose the older I get the stranger I find it that my parents just banded together and shut me out entirely.

I could imagine not being able to tolerate seeing my daughter grieving for me. Seeing the pain I had caused her might be overwhelming. I don't like talking about emotions & having to deal with other people's emotions can be exhausting. Right when you're feeling lousy & ill yourself...

I might feel like shutting DD out was going to hurt us both less in the long run. Like it protected her more.

DD would never forgive me if I shut her out, mind. Because she's tougher than me. I could see it being a very difficult call for a family that was lousy dealing with emotions.

Please visit the stately homes on the Relationship board

The thing is, if I thought that they were doing what they did for me, even if it was not the best choice, I could understand that, totally understand it.

But I don’t think it was. I think they just wanted to be together and I was in the way. And now obviously I’m much older and it puzzles me.

I’m not in my teens. My mum died when I was in my 30s. My mum and Dad did this when my mum was dying. Because their primary relationship was with each other and we two kids were on the outside of that. Hurts like a fucking bugger.

I'd recommend the stately homes thread too.

Were you an only child? And was it a bit like this before hand e.g. they spent a lot of time together? My friend always felt like she was intruding on her parents relationship.

My dad was ill throughout my teenage and young adult years and I only felt excluded once and that was with the best of intentions. I understand how difficult it feels.

I was not an only child, I have a sister but she was away at university when my mum was dying so I was the only one at home.

It’s hard to say I suppose, I can’t get inside their motives, but I do think it was very much about the two of them and not me at all. Even after she died everyone stopped to say how awful it was for my dad rather than me or my sister.

When I got the call one evening to say my mum had taken a turn for the worse in hospital my children were with ex-dh . I did not take them as I guess I did not think she would die. Their father offered to bring them in the morning but there was no time. I feel guilty they were the only family not there but pleased their memories will not be of how thin and ill she looked when she died. Good luck Storm

My dm died when I was seventeen, there were 6 of us,the oldest 25 and the youngest eleven. Dad told the oldest three (I was third oldest) when Mum received her diagnosis but after that nothing else was said and we carried on as normal. Only it wasn't normal as we witnessed her dying a slow and agonising death in the bed in the living room.
Dm withdrew and df worked and nursed her along with our grandparents. I, all but dropped out of school as I was carer, cook, cleaner and stand in mum to the younger three as the eldest two had left home.
I have no idea what is the right way to help your child come to terms with their mother dying but I know that how it happened for us screwed each and every one of us up as adults.
For myself I have anxiety and have to be in control probably because it was such a frightening time and I have PTSD as a result. I ave teen and adult dc myself now and I realise I have no idea how to be a mum to adults and probably do far too much for them all (well that's what exh says) because my experience of being parented stopped at sixteen.

But to answer your original question, I have a teenage dd and an almost teenage ds. If something happened to me my priority would be them and making sure my dh was ok in himself and with them.
My dh is periodically quite seriously ill (blue light to hospital etc) and my priority is both making sure he is OK and the children are OK. We've always been honest with them.

Can you get some help to process how you are feeling?

So sorry this happened to you. It sounds devastating. Sorry I have to run out the door so I can't rtft now (I will later) I think sometimes parents can be over overprotective and just get it horribly wrong.

They probably thought that sending you away to a school trip would keep some "normality' in your life and keep you away from the pain of seeing your DM ill.

My parents went a similar way with me. I'm the youngest with the older siblings being much older. They kept a lot from me thinking they were protecting me. I hated them both for all of my teenage years and most of my twenties.

It took me years to forgive them but now I just see them as flawed humans who made a lot of mistakes.

DDad genuinely thought he were doing the best for me. DM was a narc so her motives were different but again I just see her as a human who made a lot of mistakes (her mother was a narc too).

The thing is, if I thought that they were doing what they did for me, even if it was not the best choice, I could understand that, totally understand it.

But I don’t think it was. I think they just wanted to be together and I was in the way. And now obviously I’m much older and it puzzles me

And that, obviously, is the nub of your problem isn't it, that your, instinct, about their actions is that they did what they wanted, what worked best for them, rather than what worked best for you.... well maybe they did, they were living their lives as husband and wife as well as being parents, maybe their feelings for each other at such a hard time did overwhelm them and they chose to put each other first.

It's not wrong it's just not what you would do and I still don't have the feeling it was it any way deliberately malicious, thoughtless maybe.

Honestly? There isn't a right way to do this. It was an intolerable situation that nobody should ever have to deal with. We don't get training or plan in advance how we're going to manage dying while our children are young. And we can't know what would be best for one child in those circumstances- what works for one will not work for another. And we only get one shot at it. I can see how the school trip hurts-but I can also see why they did it. They were probably trying to give you as much normality as they could. Give them the benefit of the doubt, forgive and move on.

@blackgarden offers handhold. I have a similar experience although i got some answers via my mum as it was my dad who died when i was 7, he was ill at home with "flu and then pnuenomia" and would be better soon, he was walking around till the day before he died (less that 12 hours before) although very breathless,

i came home from school that day, immediately a neighbour arrived as she was taking her son fishing and thought i had never been (i hadnt) so she took me too, (i wasnt to know i was being kept out of the way) so was taken to her house for my tea as we didnt have school dinners and off to the lake, it was late that night when she brought me home and i had no time for homework my mum said she would write the teacher a note for me as i was half asleep and i was put into bed beside my older brother who was told to hold me if i woke, (he is 7 years older and knew the bigger picture), i was back from neighbours very late for my age as was nearly 11pm, I was being kept out of the way altogether.

My dad died at 2.45am the next morning and i felt awful for years that i didnt see him or give him his good night kiss, he didnt want me to see the very end and had left me a letter explaining that to be given to me when i was older, It was lung cancer. The last hours he really struggled and i remember the good times, not the end,

In contrast my mum who passed about 10 years ago, with the grandchildren as i dont have kids i insisted my brother fill them in on what was happening as we knew we wouldnt be leaving the hospital and were on a short timescale and there would be a lot of people coming and going and from a child point of view that can be very scary,

They didnt get the full details but the fluffy version was enough for them to understand (8,4, 18 months at the time) that granny was very sick and wouldnt look like she normally did, and she going to be an angel soon but would have to stay in hospital till her place in heaven was ready for her and no jumping on the bed as that would hurt her but moving in gently for a cuddle would be fine.

The older 2 also knew they were going to say bye byes as each time they saw her they knew they might not see her alive again, heart breaking to see but kids are resilient and they came with pictures to cheer her up and covered her in kisses to make her all better, told her loads of jokes, Now they are older they say that they definitely appreciated that they had an idea of what was happening and werent in the protective bubble completely and shocked,

Ive been ill over the years the last number accuiring more and more physical and neurological chronic illnesses however ive had serious mental illness since i was a teenage and spent several years with most of the years in hospital, i broke my mums heart completly back in 1999 when a week after being released from hospital after being sectioned i decided to move out to live on my own, she was really against this for various reasons and esp cos i was just off a 28 day section

I explained my reason for striking on my own as i had been thinking about her and how she was always there for me and concerned for me, however if something was to happen her tomorrow in that case that gave her a short timescale in life, her biggest worry would be me and what would happen to me so i was determined to take that out of the equation while i could do it with some help and support from her.

Yes i broke her heart at the time but when she was on her death bed in 2007 she said she never thought she would say it but i did the right thing and she was delighted to see me settled down, living in a nice place, independent (even tho a psych had told her years before at best i might manage a sheltered workshop and accommodation) so she had a weight lifted off her,

in fact in the 5 mins before she died i gave her a speech as if was holding on for us (my brother and myself) she didnt have to, her work was done, we were grown up and she had done a great job, go and get free from pain, we love you and if you need permission, this is it, she was gone in a matter of minutes from that.

@Storminateapot virtual handhold

There is no right or wrong way, everyone is different