Can I ask a really horrible question, for those of you with teenage girls

[blackgarden]

If you were dying, and you had a teenage daughter, would you want to spend time with her?

It’s nearly 20 years since I lost my mother and I don’t know, I suppose the older I get the stranger I find it that my parents just banded together and shut me out entirely.

Oh, Storm

My dad isn’t around, no ... he died a few years ago but we really grew apart after my mum died.

Storm you sound amazing.

Not quite the same, but my DGM had very invasive cancer removal surgery when my DM was 15. My DGF and older Uncle knew, but they decided to keep it from DM as she was doing her O Levels and was very chirpy. My DGM liked how upbeat she was.

DM found out once the surgery was done. She was devastated no one told her.

When I was 11, DF became very unwell. He shut DM and us kids out "to protect us" and almost destroyed their marriage in the process.

Interestingly, when DM had a cancer scare herself, she opted to tell me first and I took her to the GP and got her referred etc. Ok, I was 30+ but part of her reason was that my DF was never honest with her about his health so she didn't want to involve him until she knew for sure.

I think her whole experience with her DM as a teen has messed her up a bit.

I have major health issues and have had lots of hospital appointments, stays and operations since my DS was 3. I can't be anything but honest with him as he misses nothing. When your 5/6 year old asks you if you're going to die it's heartbreaking. Luckily I've not got anything life threatening, but if I did I'd tell my DS as I'd want him to be prepared. I know a few families who've experienced sudden loss of a parent in their teens because they weren't told of their illness and they're very messed up.

Sorry you went through this OP.

@storm you sound like a wonderful Mum, all these years they’ve had you, that will shape them and still make them into the people they are going to become. And they’ll carry you in their hearts always ❤️

@blackgarden I’m so sorry they dealt with this by shutting you out. If I were dying I would want to spend every minute I could with DD, so that she had as many memories as possible of me to sustain her through the years I wouldn’t be around. I’m sorry your mum didn’t feel that way, but don’t take it as a reflection on you. I’m sure she loved you very much and probably thought they were helping to keep your life as normal as possible. Are there any family friends you could speak to about it? Who knew your parents and could shed some light.

I should add I'm holding my own just now with treatment, might have a few years and hoping that is the case. Thanks for kind comments, don't want to hijack - I'm so sorry you went through this OP.

No ... I’d probably just get told similar to here, really, that they were trying to keep things normal. It does hurt, though.

OP my mum died when I was 12. She had been diagnosed with terminal cancer about 9 months earlier and then never said a word to anyone. No one knew she was dying until the night she was taken into hospital and then died within hours.

I can only imagine she couldn’t face telling us and wanted us all to live as normal a life as possible. It’s left me screwed up I now know. I try to control everything and I suffer huge anxiety.

If she’d have told us we could have built memories, had proper conversations, shared in the heartache and prepared for the inevitable. If I was in her position today I would talk and share and just love my child.

storminateapot Cancer is a bastard 😡 ((Hug)).

blackgarden. I’m so sorry you lost your Mum so young, and I’m so sorry & sad that you went through that alone. No child should have to do that 💐. None of us know if your parents did that thinking it was best for you or if they were simply thoughtless or unkind. I’m guessing the latter given you don’t feel that whilst you still disagree with what they did, you know they were doing it out of love. My parents did things/made decisions that I still don’t agree with, but I know they did it with the best of intentions, believing was in my best interest.

Do you have any older relatives you could talk to about it?

My h was doing exams when his mum was diagnosed with cancer and they never told him until right near the very end. He felt very excluded as a result and I don’t think he has ever really recovered. I feel sure his parents thought they were doing the best thing for him but he isn’t convinced they were right.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. Until quite recently, people believed that it was best for children to carry on as normal in this sort of situation. It's awful that you didn't get to spend much time with your mother, and that your distress wasn't acknowledged, but she was almost certainly trying to do what she thought was best.

DH lost his father when he was 14. That was back in the 70's, when there weren't many choices for cancer, especially as it was throughout his body when found. His parents spent every moment they could together, actually sent DH off to camp so they could have alone time and sort things. DH was kind of bewildered by it all and didn't know it was terminal, or how short time was. His DM came home from the hospital and told him when DF was gone. All these years later, while he understands his parents needing to be together to say goodbye, he still wishes they had told him what was going on, so he would have had that time for memory making, too.

"If I were dying I would want to spend every minute I could with DD, so that she had as many memories as possible of me to sustain her through the years I wouldn’t be around"

When my DH was dying, we (myself and three children) were at the hospital constantly. Then i realised that I was making memories around what would be his death bed. It wasn't adding anything positive to my children. my DH had a picture of them that he kissed every night before going to sleep. We were lucky to have the time to get the balance right.

The morning he died our eldest, still in her teen years went to work. I don't think that he wanted to go with us around him. The younger children didn't see him a few days before he died.

You should have been given the support to grieve afterwards, though. Previous generations had the attitude that children should be kept out of the whole process and would bounce back, if a 'fuss' wasn't made, they may have thought of it in those terms.

You should go to Counselling.

birds so sorry for your loss. It does sound like the right balance and you have a remarkable family.

Storm. I am so sorry for the situation you have been dealt. Heartbreaking

The strength you have in being able to give that quality time will pay dividends for them. You are a great Mum. God bless you and your family x

I am so sorry for what happened OP.
It used to be thought with children and terminal illness that it was best to keep things as normal as possible for children and not to let them see the impact of terminal illness. It was wrong, but not an uncommon belief. Now parents have access to much better advice and support for their children.
My DP was not allowed to go to his grandfathers funeral at 12 as it was thought he was too young for this. His dad worked long hours and his grandparents lived with them, so his grandfather was really like another dad. He is still upset about this but understands this was how people used to think.

I think that, unless there is evidence to the contrary, it’s best to assume that they did the best they could with what they knew at the time, and were well intentioned, even if they were wrong.

Can I recommend a podcast- for some reason I can’t link to it- it’s called Griefcast. Caridad Lloyd talking to comedians about death and the grieving process. Sounds unpromising, but it’s so good. Give it a try.

I can imagine not wanting to spend that time with my teenage dd. A couple of reasons. One is that being with your child while knowing that you are about to lose her is excruciatingly painful and difficult to cope with in a controlled manner. Plus, a teenage girl is likely to continue with everyday teenage concerns and priorities and behaviour, which would be very difficult for a terminally ill mum to cope with. And I would also want to protect her and to leave her with the good memories.
I think that you are being too hard on your mum.

OP, whatever good intentions your late DM had, I will come out and say it was categorically wrong. Your parents shutting you out and sending you on a school trip FFS is emotionally tone deaf. If they had the strength (and your DM probably did not), she should have considered your feelings too, whatever the prevailing wisdom of the day. You are still stuck and trying to move on 20 years later.

It seems harsh as an adult now but it really isn't so long ago that children were sent away to avoid any sort of medical event. A friend of mine (mid 40s) was sent away at the sniff of a hospital admission. It was seen as protecting children.
I have a progressive illness and I finally decided to talk to my oldest at 10. It turned out she had picked up on minor things and constructed a scenario that was far worse than the truth.
Storm I hope things go as well as they can and your dc remember the love always.

Bertrand, I hadn’t heard of that podcast before, thank you for that.

I have had to tell both of my children that their fathers had died. Both times were sudden, one more traumatic than the other. Both times I remember wanting to never tell my children, knowing that their lives would never be the same. Because of this I can understand how some people can truly believe they are doing the “best thing” for the children by what they perceive as protection.

However, those situations feel very different to yours where the level of exclusion must have felt bewildering and terribly sad for you. I am sorry you went through that.

storm May you see many, many more sunrises.

Xena and others with such tales of heartbreak

OP. As folk have said, it was considered that kids should be kept away from death and illness and carrying on as normal was best for them. ( think of Prince William and Harry being sent to usual church service the morning after their Mum died) I remember reading this when my mil and much loved grandma to my young daughter died 30 years ago. I think it said something like “children live in the present so shouldn’t be involved in the process. They should be given a clear age appropriate explanation that the person has died but don’t be surprised if they are out playing 5 minutes later.
I realise the advice for teens may have been a bit different but I think the attitude about it was the same.

My late DH backed off a bit from family life (the children) when he was dying. I think he thought that was the best thing to do for them. In some ways I think it was for all of them. My DC were quite little though.

I have a son but of course I would want to spend time with him, maybe not if I was looking so ill and in pain though. I think maybe you need to give more context. Am so sorry though, it sounds like you are in pain.

Seconding what @BertrandRussell has said.

Sorry you went through all this. What is your life like now? How has the fallout impacted you?, If you don't mind me asking.

I think it depends on how the person is doing/coping tbh. I also think there needs to be a balance between spending time with the person and keeping in touch with everyday life.

My mother died when I was 12. She was dying for around a year (she'd had treatment before that, but she was properly 'ill' for around 12 months) and spent a lot of that time either in bed at home or in bed in hospital/hospice.

We were there pretty much every day and it was horrific. My father was determined that we would all make memories with her while we could which meant going out to play, or going swimming, or to Brownie camp was seriously frowned upon so mostly we didn't go anywhere except to visit her.

Our school were very good and often in a bad spell gave us work to take to the hospital with us so we didn't have to go into school. By the time she died the majority of memories I have of her were in bed, beign sick, being in pain or us all sat around desperately trying to find something to talk about, which was difficult because we were all together all of the time so no-one had any stories.

Also afterward it ended up being very isolating because kids friendships move on so quickly when someone isn't around. We missed out on a lot. I think my parents did what they thought was right, but they got it wrong, we needed to live a bit as well as we ended up forgetting how too for a long while.