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Original poster

...to think that men changing their surname to their wife's after marriage shouldn't be so controversial?

39 replies

ArcheryAnnie · 22/02/2018 12:11

OK, first off, I am entirely supportive of any woman who changes her name to anything for any reason, serious or frivolous, whatever they want. It's your name, so your choice.

HOWEVER.

I am a bit tired of women who, after changing their name to their husband's after marriage, get very defensive and say something like "it was my choice entirely, I wasn't pressured into it either by society or by family. You are denying my agency to say that it was!!!"

None of us are an island. We are all shaped, for good or for ill, by the norms and societal pressures around us. And we all deal with that in different ways. None of us is free from that, it just comes out differently in each of us, on different things. Women are routinely expected to change their name after marriage, and it's seen in plenty of quarters as a deliberate feminist stand when women do keep their own name, a brave/disgraceful (delete as appropriate) snub to tradition.

This was all brought into my mind again by this article, which goes into what happened when a couple of men changed their names, on marriage, to their wife's names. (Spoiler: it upset the apple cart.)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-42961568

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 22/02/2018 12:13

Why is it controversial? DH changed his and we've been married 12 years this year.

A few older relatives muttered but we don't gaf...

Original poster
ArcheryAnnie · 22/02/2018 12:15

Did you read the article, Bishop? One man had his boss outright refusing to use his new name.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 22/02/2018 12:17

That's really not on, tbh.
Nobody official even batted an eyelid - the lady in the bank laughed at the novelty but there weren't any problems.

Original poster
ArcheryAnnie · 22/02/2018 12:19

I'm glad you had a good experience, although, alas, it's clearly not universal!

OP posts:
FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes · 22/02/2018 12:20

i have a friend who did this - his wife was last of her line so he changed to hers to carry on the name with their DC

another set of friends double barrelled for both of them.

neither have had an issue.

media can always find someone who has had a drama over small things that most people dont have an issue with.

GaraMedouar · 22/02/2018 12:23

I agree totally. Up to individuals if they change their name but would be nice to see the norm that a couple just think oh which name shall we be , ok that one, and it’s roughly 50/50 split between spouse.

Original poster
ArcheryAnnie · 22/02/2018 12:29

small things that most people dont have an issue with

If this was really the case, we'd have much more of an equal split between men taking a woman's surname and women taking a man's. But we don't.

OP posts:
WashingMatilda · 22/02/2018 12:31

Agree 100% OP

GrumpyOldBagFace · 22/02/2018 12:32

DH didn't change his name but we gave our children my surname. His parents were very angry. Didn't talk to us for a year. Didn't even care that DS was in NICU once they found out he had my surname.

So I can imagine they would have had serious problems if DH had changed his name. It is a controversial issue to many people still.

BalloonDinosaur · 22/02/2018 12:36

Wow Grumpy that's horrendous!

My DS has DP's surname but it doesn't bother me at all. And I if we did get married, I'd be very reluctant to change my surname, (though I know DP wants me to.) but for that reason it wouldn't make sense for him to take my name.

Some friends of mine combined their names and are now known as that instead.

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes · 22/02/2018 12:41

sorry i meant most people who have changed their name don't have an issue getting it recognised.

i did change my name as DH is an only and I have many cousins so it made sense. it was my choice and DH would have respected whatever i chose. but my priority was our DC having the same name as both of us rather than my actual name. however MIL always refers to me by my maiden name - so go figure that one!!

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes · 22/02/2018 12:43

and whilst no, there isnt an equal split of men taking the womans name there is a much higher rate of each keeping their own or double barrels. it's definitely not assumed that a married couple will have the DHs name anymore so it is moving towards a freedom of choice.

Original poster
ArcheryAnnie · 22/02/2018 12:45

Bloody hell, Grumpy, that's grim, I am so sorry they did that to you all.

OP posts:
DamDuck · 22/02/2018 12:49

media can always find someone who has had a drama over small things that most people dont have an issue with.

I agree. I know 3 lots of people that changed their name to the wifes, a couple that double barrelled, a couple that merged/changed entirely (including me & DH), quite a few that neither changed their name,nobody batted an eyelid.

GrumpyOldBagFace · 22/02/2018 12:52

Ah fuck 'em! Vile people...

I posted on here about it at the time and despite most posters being supportive there were a few who sympathised with DH's parents.

Going against the traditional patriarchal naming system is still controversial.

Oh ... and I just found out that our mortgage is in my married/DH's name. No idea how it got changed or when and the bank can't explain it either. We bought the house pre-marriage, all of my other accounts are in my name but somehow this got changed! Very odd but I've just had to send in marriage certificate and passport to change it back to my name!!

Original poster
ArcheryAnnie · 22/02/2018 12:53

That's 7 couples you mention, Dam. How many can you mention in your networks where the couple took the husband's name?

OP posts:
Funnysheep · 22/02/2018 12:54

Of course yanbu op.

I didn't change my name and have had lots of raised eyebrows and rolled eyes.

DamDuck · 22/02/2018 12:59

I don't know. More than those though. I guess in my circles it's just a non issue, do what you like with your name attitude.

Actually thinking about it, SIL did have a problem with us merging our surnames. She had taken her husbands surname. When we had kids she was apparently not happy that our kids wouldn't be carrying on her fathers name, this wasn't said to us, MIL mentioned it years later. DH just said that if she wanted to carry on their fathers name she had had the choice to not change her name. End of conversation.

Babieseverywhere · 22/02/2018 13:01

My DH took my surname. As his family were numerous and I was the last of our line.

DH only had a bit of trouble with the bank, but he went in with all the certificates and pointed out if you can change the wife's name, there is no difference changing the husband's...so they did it with no further trouble.

stickygotstuck · 22/02/2018 13:05

A friend of DH's friend changed his name to his DW's on marriage.
DH's friend was scathing about it, saying he was obviously going to be under the thumb, and had he no self-respect Shock. This was about 10 years ago.

LadyLaSnack · 22/02/2018 13:08

My husband took my name. He's not had any trouble so far (we've been married 18 months).

I was on the phone to BA customer services earlier today trying to change his old surname to his new one on a flight (which I'd managed to book in his old name!!).

The response from the Indian (I think) call centre handler was - 'Wow! How lovely!'

So not all bad. I do sometimes suspect some of my friends are rolling their eyes at me behind my back though.

MerryShitmas · 22/02/2018 13:15

Yep. It's pretty controversial.
My Dh changing his name to mine sparked enough of a family fight that resulted in him going completely NC.
He's apparently
Abused (by me)
Kept under the thumb
A sissy/pussy.
Gay.
he has no self respect.. you can imagine it. But still some people say it and we've been married years.
The friends and family Dh did have prior to marriage have dwindled because they just can't let it go and Dh doesn't want to be around them. It's sad, really. It's just a name and it's a name that meant a lifetime of being singled out and bullied, not least because, ironically. His mum, who had four children by four men (no judgement here, my mum wasn't much different) named them all after their fathers (surname wise). So the first had the surname jones then the second was williams and so forth. So they were all bullied and his mum effectively drew a target on their backs for it. I think that may have effected his decision. His name specifically also had a rather nasty rhyme, so he grew up hating it and welcomed the ability to change it to mine.

bringbackfonzi · 22/02/2018 13:15

What annoys me is when women say 'I changed my name to my husband's because I wanted to have the same name as my children,' as if this was the only way of having the same name as your children! The children can have your name, and your husband can keep his. It also annoys me that, when people use double-barrelled names, it seems that most of the time the husband's name comes second. Often, the wife's name then becomes a bit like a middle name which is sometimes omitted i.e. Harriet Jones Smith is often just referred to as Harriet Smith. Happy to be corrected on this one though - do you know lots of double-barrelled couples where the woman's surname is the last one?

MerryShitmas · 22/02/2018 13:18

I do admit I find it annoying when people say their kids have DH/dp's name because of tradition.
For an unmarried mother it's never ever been tradition to name the kids their fathers name. Ever. In fact doing so pretty much guaranteed that when you took your kid to the doctors or school or whatever, they'd see you had different names and you would be judged for it. So unmarried mothers kept the child in their name only... the "tradition" however, if any, was to be married.
So you're pissing on tradition anyway by having a child outside of marriage (your call and I don't personally give a shit.)
So the claim of tradition makes no sense to me. If you want to be traditional, get married first...

ConciseandNice · 22/02/2018 13:22

My husband took my name 20’years ago! Our five kids only have my name. It was never even an issue for us. Nobody batted an eyelid. I’m my whole circle of friends and throughout my adult life I only know one woman who took her husband’s name. It just such a non-issue either way in my circle. All the women I know are academics/lawyers/doctors etc so they have already had a professional presence using their name and it would’ve been strange to change it. Maybe that’s the difference. But yes, men shouldn’t have to worry, but it appears they do, sadly. Even now!

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