...to think that men changing their surname to their wife's after marriage shouldn't be so controversial?

[ArcheryAnnie]

OK, first off, I am entirely supportive of any woman who changes her name to anything for any reason, serious or frivolous, whatever they want. It's your name, so your choice.

HOWEVER.

I am a bit tired of women who, after changing their name to their husband's after marriage, get very defensive and say something like "it was my choice entirely, I wasn't pressured into it either by society or by family. You are denying my agency to say that it was!!!"

None of us are an island. We are all shaped, for good or for ill, by the norms and societal pressures around us. And we all deal with that in different ways. None of us is free from that, it just comes out differently in each of us, on different things. Women are routinely expected to change their name after marriage, and it's seen in plenty of quarters as a deliberate feminist stand when women do keep their own name, a brave/disgraceful (delete as appropriate) snub to tradition.

This was all brought into my mind again by this article, which goes into what happened when a couple of men changed their names, on marriage, to their wife's names. (Spoiler: it upset the apple cart.)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-42961568

do you know lots of double-barrelled couples where the woman's surname is the last one?

I actually live in a country that people don't change their names when they get married.

UK based friends that have double barrelled seem to go with whichever way sounds best.

A man at my previous work changed his name to his wife’s on marriage and there were lots of sniggers from men behind his back (“under the thumb” etc). No women made anything but positive comments

I regrettably took my exh name so when I marry my fiancé I will be taking his name as it will get rid of my exes! My fiancé has said he would be willing to double barrel my maiden name and his last name. Each to their own! I wish I had kept my own name!

fantasmasgoria1 You made the mistake once, don't do it again! Just change back to your maiden name or choose a new one, for you.

When I tell people I wasn't forced into changing my name or swayed by pressure blah blah blah, I'm not being "defensive" I'm simply answering the ridiculous question of why women change their names and how un-feminist is that.

Mr foo couldn't have given a shit if I changed my name or not. My and his families probably wouldn't have cared either and as for the rest of society, they can fuck off.

I don't see why you feel it necessary to first state you have no problem with it, and then decide you are going to judge people on their reasons for doing it.

People can change their names for whatever reason they like. Nice use of the BBC story to give yourself an excuse to write a lovely "not judging but judging" post.

If this was really the case, we'd have much more of an equal split between men taking a woman's surname and women taking a man's. But we don't

That's bollocks too. The lack of men changing their name has absolutely no relation to how easy it is to change your name. There isn't an equal split because historically it wasn't the done thing. Only someone with a ridiculously narrow view of women's issues decides a woman CHOOSING to change her name is a misogynistic pact, pressured on women by society to keep women trampled down.

It is more likely the reason it hasn't swung to 50/50 is because in the scheme of things it actually makes no difference which partner's name you choose so why get so hung up about it generally being the bloke's. We really do have better things to be fighting for than wittering on about names. I would still be pissed off about earning 20p in the £ less than my male colleagues if Mr Foo had taken my incredibly dull and boring surname.

fantasmasgoria1 said she regretted it before.

Completely disingenuous to say that there's no pressure for a woman to change her name. Of course there is because it's still seen as the societal norm.

For lots of women there is direct pressure from inlaws and husbands. Someone has even said that their inlaws fell out with them over it.

You can say it doesn't matter, but you could say that about a lot of things.

I mean who really cares about a bit of salary disparity when there are people starving around the world.

Of course people can choose to change their names, but of course it is in tne context of a huge society pressure.

And some people will have been affected by that more than others. Fair enough, Foo you made an active choice that happens to align with ‘the norm’. But we can’t pretend that the great ‘tradition ‘ isn’t out there.

You see it all the time on MN. Thousands of posters who assume in all sorts of situations that a woman will change her name on marriage, and even more assumption that a baby will have the father’s name. Many posters assert that their partner would not consider changing his name, the PIL’s would go mad etc.,,

I did not change my name, kids double-barrelled. My aunts all send me cheques in DH’ name. Same for my sister: she isn’t even married, lived with DP for 25 years, they address her by DP ‘s name.

Fine, say you made an active choice, and why shouldn’t you? This thread is about people who deny that there is any pressure or expectation.

Foo: in tne scheme of things it OUGHT not to make a difference who has what name.

So how do you account for people who cut off contact with a grandchild that has it’s mother’s name? And countless less extreme but hostile reactions ?

My DH changed his surname to mine when we married. He's never been given grief about it.

Glad to hear it, SuperBeagle.

DH is a forward thinking chap, but his parents would have gone ape had he changed his name. Not cut him off, just refused to use the new name. As they refuse to use my name for me or my part of the DC’s double-barrelled name . They seem to think they are using the correct legal names, while we use our own names as a sort of nick name.

I don't see why you feel it necessary to first state you have no problem with it, and then decide you are going to judge people on their reasons for doing it.

Originalfoogirl I don't have a problem with you changing your name to whatever the hell you like, for whatever reasons you like. I do have a problem with you saying that it was an entirely free decision completely uninfluenced by the societal norms around you. That isn't how humans work. You can believe your reasons are entirely your own, entirely uninfluenced by society, if you want to - I can't stop you - but I don't believe it for a second.

it actually makes no difference which partner's name you choose so why get so hung up about it generally being the bloke's

It's just amazing, isn't it, about how so many things that simply don't matter at all still tend towards taking "male" as the default, isn't it? I wonder why that is?