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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop taking ExH to DDs appointments?

41 replies

MrsSaxobeat · 22/02/2018 09:52

ExH and I split last year. We're still married but he lives with his parents and I'm still in the rented house with our DD, whose nearly 3.

DD has a number of medical conditions and has a number of appointments. At least 2 a month but sometimes more often. ExH doesn't drive but I do. He mostly gets to the appointments off his own back and if it's his contact day he takes DD on the bus with him and I will drive to meet him/them there. On my contact days he gets the bus and DD comes with me in the car.

Apart from one particular centre which we need to go to once a month. It's not on a public transport route so it would take either a train and 2 buses or 3 buses to get to, all different companies run the buses so it's expensive for ExH to get there. Up to now I've been saving him money and taking him with me in the car, this was partially so that when DDs older she knows I've tried to be reasonable.

But I'm starting to resent taking him. After the appointment I can't just pop to the supermarket or to the gym/soft play on the way home as I need to get ExH home.

He had the chance to learn to drive when we were together but kept putting off hoping me/his dad would take him out without him having been with an instructor first.

These appointments only require one parent to be there and are usually during ExHs contact time, but I like to be at every appointment so I'd still be taking her in the car or meeting him there anyway.

So WIBU to stop taking him? Or do I need to suck it up for the sake of DD and carry on taking him?

OP posts:

Ellendegeneres · 22/02/2018 10:28

Ok two things- if it’s his day, let him take her. He can feed back info.
If he can’t be trusted to do this, that’s different.
I’d also probably say I’ll give you a lift there, but I have plans after so you need to make your own way back- if it’s still his time with dd, then she’ll just have to go with him too.
To be honest it sounds like he thinks there’s still a chance of you reconciling with you wanting to be at all appointments with him

RedHelenB · 22/02/2018 10:30

YABU you're both the child's parents and he does get to appointments under his own steam usually. We're talking once a month!

Justanotherzombie · 22/02/2018 10:32

Well I guess I would be trying to think about it all as whether you're doing these lifts for him or for your DD. How old is she? I'm sure you can handle appointments on your own if you feel no value in his attendence for support for yourself but is there value in him attending for your DD? If he was rude or difficult I'd stop the lifts anyway but if not, and if I felt my DD was benefiting from his presence, I'd keep doing it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/02/2018 10:36

I think that if he is a decent parent (and it sounds like he is) then it is mean to let him struggle when you could easily help. It's once a month and it is in your child's best interests to see both parents being amicable. To stop the lifts will cost you in future good will - much better to work together. You never know when you will need a favour in the future.

Original poster

MrsSaxobeat · 22/02/2018 10:36

Not necessarily rude or difficult but he has come to expect the lifts saying he'll be outside his parents house at x time so I can get him (I have to drive past his to get to this medical centre anyway).

The appointment only really needs one parent and while I'd happily feedback to him, I don't think he'd do the same for me. Also not sure he'd go as it would be expensive if I didn't take him.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/02/2018 10:38

I can see why his attitude would he annoying but I'd do it for as long as he wasn't rude or nasty. It is for your child, not a favour for him as such.

titchy · 22/02/2018 10:44

Be the better person. He doesn't sound like a crap dad. You drive past his anyway so it's not a big deal to pick him up. And it's once a month. For your child's benefit.

No appointments NEED both, or indeed any, parents there. But it's important that your child sees both of you there with her.

crunchymint · 22/02/2018 10:52

Honestly its once a month. No point being petty about this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2018 10:53

If you want to go to soft play, the supermarket or whatever, can’t you drop him at the train station on the way home or explain to him you will take him but he needs to make his own way home? In fact, why not start doing this systematically? That way you’re not compromising what you want to do after but also meeting your dds needs and involving her dad.

DancesWithOtters · 22/02/2018 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabsAlot · 22/02/2018 10:56

yourfe not taking him out for a jolly its for your childs medical appt ffs-unless theres abuse involved i think yabu

cheriseb · 22/02/2018 11:03

It's once a month! Stop being petty

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 22/02/2018 11:04

As much as it's annoying you, I'd suck it up and keep giving him a lift. It's for your DD at the end of the day and it is good for him to be involved in her medical care.

Neolibera · 22/02/2018 11:05

It seriously can’t be that inconvenient if it’s once a month.

Get over yourself and just take him to the appointment with you. You’re doing it for your child, not for him.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2018 11:06

I wouldn’t bother but I don’t have much time for grown men who can’t drive. Does he really need to go? His regular contact time with DD is more important.

rocketgirl22 · 22/02/2018 11:07

I would find it a little annoying too, but I think I would do it anyway. It is for your dd's benefit, and at some point you may need his support.

Gaining goodwill by being nice means your dd is growing up in a really good and positive environment. If you see it as doing it for her, not for him and essentially you are, as she is getting the support and love from both parents. I would carry on.

You are doing such a great job managing your split so well, I wouldn't ruin it.

frazmum · 22/02/2018 11:08

I think Mummyoflittledragon has the best approach. You’re being reasonable but it’s a reminder you’re not a taxi service.

MsHomeSlice · 22/02/2018 11:10

Dropping him off afterwards at the bus/train station/town is an excellent idea. Make it clear you have things to do after that do not include him, and then he can decide if he wants to come.

If you are driving by his place to get to the appointment it really is beyond petty not to pick him up, but allowing him to interfere with the rest of the day is vexing.

crunchymint · 22/02/2018 11:17

But you say these appointments are usually during his contact time, so you would have to leave your DD with your ex to get multiple buses/trains home. So you wouldn't be popping to soft play anyway.

Branleuse · 22/02/2018 11:22

i would continue to take him but maybe say that he will need to get back by himself afterwards

crunchymint · 22/02/2018 11:27

Which means getting back by himself with DD

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2018 11:28

crunchymint
I was a bit confused by that as well.

WitchesHatRim · 22/02/2018 11:31

or to the gym/soft play on the way home

You say these are mostly on his contact days so you wouldn't be doing this any way.

Tidy2018 · 22/02/2018 11:39

Stick with the present arrangement. It provides continuity for both of you and your child, and for the professionals, who may like feedback from parents who see the child in different environments. Also, if there is ever a time when you are unable to attend appointments, child's dad is already familiar with procedure.

If the monthlyclinic is his contact day, can you drive them to soft play, leave them fir after-clinic downtime, and go your messages on your own? Then pick them up and drive him to station?

Jux · 22/02/2018 11:39

You drive past the house anyway. You would be horribly UR if you didn't give him a lift there, but you don't have to take him all the way home, drop him at a better bus stop/station, and dd with him if it's his day - children, ime, love getting on trains and buses, it's a change from sitting in the back of the car. You don't need to take him home at all, when it comes to it.

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