To stop taking ExH to DDs appointments?

[MrsSaxobeat]

ExH and I split last year. We're still married but he lives with his parents and I'm still in the rented house with our DD, whose nearly 3.

DD has a number of medical conditions and has a number of appointments. At least 2 a month but sometimes more often. ExH doesn't drive but I do. He mostly gets to the appointments off his own back and if it's his contact day he takes DD on the bus with him and I will drive to meet him/them there. On my contact days he gets the bus and DD comes with me in the car.

Apart from one particular centre which we need to go to once a month. It's not on a public transport route so it would take either a train and 2 buses or 3 buses to get to, all different companies run the buses so it's expensive for ExH to get there. Up to now I've been saving him money and taking him with me in the car, this was partially so that when DDs older she knows I've tried to be reasonable.

But I'm starting to resent taking him. After the appointment I can't just pop to the supermarket or to the gym/soft play on the way home as I need to get ExH home.

He had the chance to learn to drive when we were together but kept putting off hoping me/his dad would take him out without him having been with an instructor first.

These appointments only require one parent to be there and are usually during ExHs contact time, but I like to be at every appointment so I'd still be taking her in the car or meeting him there anyway.

So WIBU to stop taking him? Or do I need to suck it up for the sake of DD and carry on taking him?

Oh, and resentful? Understandable, but you're actually doing dd a favour by helping her attend the appt with both her parents. Think of it like that.

If the appts are generally in his contact time why are you taking your DD to soft play afterwards? Also, whilst inconvenient, if it’s in his contact time and you didn’t give them a lift home it would mean your DD getting home with her dad on public transport while you go to gym/shopping etc. Nothing wrong with that but I’d probably want to make things as easy as possible for my child which means taking the dad along for the ride if it’s his contact day.

It sounds a little like you are punishing him for not learning to drive when you told him to. For one day a month, surely its better to give him a lift there, and then drop him at a train station for him to go home if you need to do something. Do you REALLY need to do something though, or are you annoyed that he is stopping you doing something IF you decided you wanted to?

I think you've been doing the right thing by taking him once a month because by doing that you're putting your daughter first. I don't think that you should stop taking him BUT if you want to stop at soft play or the supermarket then either he has to do something close by to one of those places whilst you do what you want to do OR he has to make his own way back from somewhere along the route.

It's good that you have a reasonably amicable relationship and can both attend the appointments together. I don't think you need to drive out of your way to drop him off though, just tell him which way you're driving home and agree a drop off point. I would never expect anyone to drive out of their way for me just because I hadn't got around to getting my driving licence.

I think he dos need to learn to drive and I would encourage him to do so. When dd is older she may be staying with him but going out and needing to be picked up etc. So he needs to think long term here.

I think do what suits you best. If you are able to give him a lift there each time, great, but if it is your day with dd and you want to go to a soft play place tell him he will need to get the bus home.

I'm not sure why people are saying it is only once a month. Your opening post clearly says "At least 2 a month..."

So picking him up, no problem, great, but if you want to sometimes delay your return tell him, in advance and then he might find things to do in town or he may arrange someone else to collect him. If this is sufficiently inconvenient he may learn to drive.

Personally, I'd say don't give up going to the appointments, even if it is on his time, because you know he may well not feed back to you. And don't discourage him from going because it is good he wants to be involved with his dd.

Do encourage him to learn to drive, in the long run it will be better for him and your dd. It would not be your business if he was able to get around easily without your help, but costs and time factors mean it is not easy for him to get around without your help.

People are saying once a month as she mentioned that appt is at a different location that's harder to get to on public transport

Normally someone would post a thread saying dh will not attended dc's appointment, and here you have a dad willing to attend all. Yet you aren't happy.

You are happy to take her alone, but not him go alone- right? Why?

You also say they normally fall during his contact. So he'd have to make his way back with dd, (so making it more difficult for her), and you wouldn't be attending soft play etc anyway- correct?

Personally I think you are being petty.
Me and exdp have always attended everything together and he normally drives as he has the bigger car. I always assumed that was part of co-parenting?

I'm not sure why people are saying it is only once a month. Your opening post clearly says "At least 2 a month..."

From the OP:
Apart from one particular centre which we need to go to once a month

If her appointment falls on his contact day you are the one making the decision to attend the “only one parent needed” appointment anyway.

You’ve said you have to drive past his home to get to the medical centre so it’s hardly you going out of your way to get him?

Also, I’m a little confused why you have your DD if it’s his contact day? Surely he would have her and you would essentially be picking them both up for the appointment?

You do sound rather petty about this, sorry. So many ex's on here wouldn't be arsed about being at the appointments. He is and he's being a good dad. You even drive past the house so it's no big inconvenience. There are also a gazillion mums on here who are scuppered in many ways because they can't drive and no one dares tell them that 'a grown woman should learn to drive'. Course it would be good if he does, but I don't think you should punish him for not doing just to go to a softplay on the rare occasion it's not in his contact time. Keep thing amicable for your dd's sake.

@DoJo must polish up my reading skills!

@Desmondo2016 yes sorry I need to read better!

If it's localish and on your contact day and you are going to soft play or the supermarket just tell him that and drop him at the bus/train station. If it's on his contact day then it's not him you are giving a lift too really, it's your DD.

The further away one I think is just once a month, and it going to beneficial to your DD long term to have both parents who are fully involved in her care.

Also if you both care for her sepeartly then where possible you both being at apointments will mean your both in the best position to ensure continuity of care and meeting needs.

It’s not about you but about making sure your daughters needs are being met

It's once a month. He's her parent too - he should go, take her, and feedback.

If you really need to be there, arrange it on your contact time - he can decide if he needs to attend too.